I got another indignant comment yesterday on my (admittedly searing) reaction to A Bankruptcy Story… Redux. (As a pure aside, I continue to be amazed at the number of people who scold me for being judgmental, then make judgments about me.)
Anyway, the comment. It reminded me that I had intended to write another (don’t worry — nicer) post about Emily’s decisions. As she explains her rebuttal, she understood that buying a second store was not a good bet. But she loved her headstrong husband and married him for better or for worse.
To me, this resonated, and I began to wonder what I would do in the same situation.
It’s hard to imagine, honestly. Tim tends to trust me on big-scale things. He might make his own arguments in some cases, but he’s generally pretty happy to let me take the reins on things like retirement or paying down debt. I’m reasonably sure he wouldn’t fight me on something as big as a second store.
But what if he did?
Emily chose to stand by her husband’s decision, in the face of many indicators that this was beyond risky. She loves her husband, and she recognizes that marriage is a partnership. If I were being completely honest, I would have to say I’m still working on that last part. (Stop nodding, Tim!)
The thing is, I love Tim. I have faith that he can do just about anything he sets his mind to. But I also have a paralyzing fear of debt — and risk in general.
I’d love to say that, in Emily’s situation, I would take his hand and make the jump with him. But my stomach (literally) clenches at the thought. I feel sick at even the most remote conception of that much risk.
Again, this is probably influenced by knowing that the situation wouldn’t come up. So it’s all theoretical. But shouldn’t that make it easy to say that I’d risk it all for him?
Or maybe I’m just done with risk. Tim and I have been through so much debt — $20,000 in defaulted student loans, $8,000 in oral surgery bills, thousands in medical costs each year — that maybe I’m just can’t handle the idea of risking the financial stability we’re nearing.
That explanation certainly sounds better than the alternative. But I’ve never been good with risk. I’ve always been driven (and not in a healthy way) to get out of debt as quickly as possible. Hell, it took him over two years just to convince me to buy a $200 punching bag/stand while were in debt!
So the truth is, I don’t know what I’d do in Emily’s position. I hope I never have to find out.
What would you do? Is my fear rational or selfish?
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Seeing how my mom did the same as Emily for my dad, and how *that* turned out, I have the same reactions as you. I know I'll love my partner every bit as much as my biological family but that love doesn't mean that I'll shut my eyes to the level of risk-taking and just go along with it without either mitigating the risk or making sure there's an exit plan. After all, no business plan is complete without an exit plan.
Then, too, the kind of risk we're talking about makes a difference. It's not always clear what will result from certain kinds of risk but in other situations, the loss involved isn't quantifiable. It's almost easier to accept the latter kind.
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Abigail Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
Hmmm, I suppose personal experience would definitely color things. I don't have any immediate family that took risks like the ones you or Emily describe. If anything, my parents were far too conservative with money. So I don't really know of any situations where taking a risk worked out so badly — or well, for that matter.
You have a good point on the amount of risk, though. Something like a business is always risky. But I don't think I could bring myself to expand while things were going poorly. Then again, look at all the people who swooped in when housing prices were low and will prosper for years to come. It's all relative…
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Abigail Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
Hmmm, I suppose personal experience would definitely color things. I don't have any immediate family that took risks like the ones you or Emily describe. If anything, my parents were far too conservative with money. So I don't really know of any situations where taking a risk worked out so badly — or well, for that matter.
You have a good point on the amount of risk, though. Something like a business is always risky. But I don't think I could bring myself to expand while things were going poorly. Then again, look at all the people who swooped in when housing prices were low and will prosper for years to come. It's all relative…
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I'm thankful that this is a situation my husband and I may never find ourselves in. The key to a partnership is considering both sides needs. As I also have a "paralyzing fear"of risk/debt, I know my husband would never put me in the aforementioned position. He would weigh the emotional damage it would do to me and consider it unworthy of the risk. I would then feel like a coward, tell him he should do it, and we'd discuss that for a while. Because of the concern I know he has for me, I trust him to make the final decisions for our family (ever company has to have a CEO, right?). I don't worry about risking everything for my spouse in that sense, because he wouldn't ask me to.
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Wow…as one who has listened to a spouse that makes and has made unwise financial decisions…it is a tough place to find yourself in. I have compassion. On that note, I don't think you were being mean or judgemental.
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The thing about small business is that it is always a huge risk, for themselves and for innocent bystanders, like spouses. Small business is always a risky bet — the second store is ALWAYS a risk. This one failed, like a lot of small businesses fail.
What choice is there but to stand by him? Blame him? Rip your marraige apart because a risk didn't pay off? Small business is very hard on a marriage, I can't even imagine how badly a failing business would hurt your marriage, not to mention full-on meltdown because of a business risk. Tough.
Some people are risk-takers, some aren't. You know if you are married to one or not.
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Abigail Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 11:51 pm
Dog,
I think that's a very impassioned response. And certainly, if you agreed to go along for the ride, recrimination is not in order if the business fails.
But my question was about whether you'd take the jump in the first place — not how well the risk turns out and what effect is has on your marriage.
In re: small business, though, you're absolutely right. Tim and I have tossed around an idea for a store, but we both agreed that, if we did it, I'd want to figure out approximate costs for the first three years and make sure we had at least that much. Simply because (while a few individuals are able to buck the trend) the average small business doesn't see a profit for the first couple of years. Which is pretty scary.
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Abigail Reply:
April 18th, 2010 at 11:51 pm
Dog,
I think that's a very impassioned response. And certainly, if you agreed to go along for the ride, recrimination is not in order if the business fails.
But my question was about whether you'd take the jump in the first place — not how well the risk turns out and what effect is has on your marriage.
In re: small business, though, you're absolutely right. Tim and I have tossed around an idea for a store, but we both agreed that, if we did it, I'd want to figure out approximate costs for the first three years and make sure we had at least that much. Simply because (while a few individuals are able to buck the trend) the average small business doesn't see a profit for the first couple of years. Which is pretty scary.
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I love my husband to the end of the world and back, which is why I'd never suggest something that risks my entire family's well being to him, let alone expect he do what I say. Our partnership is equal, which means if I have a problem with something, he wouldn't expect me to go ahead with it. That goes both ways.
In the end, we all make bad decisions. I personally have the most respect for those who learn from their mistakes and make no excuses for them.
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Hmm. . .I remember reading the original bankruptcy post and something like, "my husband is a very strong-headed person." That kind of haunts me–the idea of knowing that your spouse is doing something bad for your financial survival and not quite being able to stop him. I'm glad my husband doesn't put me in that kind of a position! But I can also see how having a serious disagreement about how to go about finances could be tough in a marriage. Before I got married, one of my uncles sat me down for some fatherly advice. Did DH and I have similar financial goals and values, he asked. . .we did, but it's not always what you're thinking of when you fall in love.
As for people leaving judging comments about judging comments–I can't see why anyone would read a blog when the blogger didn't express her opinion. Then again, on the rare occasion that I get zinged out there in the blogosphere, I still stop and say "ouch!" and maybe also "What a @!#()*&$@#()%&!!"
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Personally, I love and respect my wife enough to tell her when I think an idea is too risky (or too stupid) to pursue. I believe she would say the same for me and my ideas.
I believe in trust and unity, but I also believe in hearing wise counsel, especially from my spouse. Just because an idea comes from someone we love and wish to support doesn't mean we put on blinders and allow our family to suffer due to their passion.
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I'm off to read Emily's story. But for now:
"The thing is, I love Tim. I have faith that he can do just about anything he sets his mind to. But I also have a paralyzing fear of debt — and risk in general."
Pretty much sums up my view. My partner is also pretty headstrong, has a lot of ideas and tends to throw himself into things. I'm the total opposite. I don't think I could stomach us running a business, to be honest – maybe if ONE of us had a stable income throughout, but even that I know would be difficult.
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