I tend to hold onto things — from material possessions (like clothes that will ABSOLUTELY fit once I lose a couple more pounds) to grudges. Included in that is the partial obsession (yes, that’s probably an oxymoron) with people’s actions that I don’t like/agree with/can’t control.
You know… All the little stuff.
Two recent examples:
1. I’ve been trying to be more active, and have taken a couple of walks for exercise. Tim’s mom saw me coming back into the house and said it was a shame because we could have taken the walk together.
2. She also announced recently that she’s now doing two miles a day, up from one mile a week or two ago.
I should mention that she has COPD, two replaced knees and severe arthritis in her hip. She’s very reliant on her walker. So she can’t even keep up with my normal gait. Moreover, it’s unlikely that she jacked up her walking by 100% that quickly — let alone with the same number and length of walks.
#3
When we go out to eat, she almost always gets her own plate of food. Which goes largely uneaten. She always declares that she’ll eat it as leftovers, but according to Marc, a decent amount of it stays in the fridge.
So… Why do those things matter?
Well, partially because I really need to work on letting stuff go. But there is, I believe, a more pressing issue.
I feel like my in-laws’ sense of reality is somewhat distorted, which tends to come back and bite them in le derriere. Pardon my French.
Fact is, this distortion had a large part in landing them in their current situation. Yes, so did health problems and a poor job market. But not as large a part as they would like to think. (Another distortion of reality.)
Examples of this abound but, frankly, took up too much room in this post (unless you guys wanted to read something about 1,200 words long).
So these little things worry/bother me because it makes me wonder whether anything will ever change.
We want them to have some small measure of financial stability/leeway. On a more selfish note, we’d like very much for them to get their own car within the next year. I’m a little antsy about one car supporting four peoples’ needs.
My therapist said that I need to let it go. Charge them an appropriate amount in rent and utilities. Beyond that, their money is their money.
Of course, now that hot weather is only a few months away, the issue of an air conditioner is rearing its head. The ones they’re looking at (portable, not window units) will run about $500. And they’ve already asked if we can put it on the credit card.
I told them that if they could wait at least a month — this month has the problematic taxes and Tim’s lotion and all that fun stuff on there — it would probably be feasible.
But as I write this I realize that they have 2-3 months (at least) to save up for it. And it’s a tad worrisome that this doesn’t even occur to them…
So, I’ll work on letting go, I suppose, if they will, too.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
With all due respect to your therapist, there is a difference between letting go of idiosyncrasies and your own money–even to family, and believe me, I understand completely.
Your ILs sound like my ILs except they aren't living with us but we are paying for their rent controlled apartment on the upper east side, while we slog the subways out to the very edges of brooklyn, so I feel your pain. But that rent also pays for a parking spot for a car that we aren't allowed access (well, they don't say "no" but whenever we ask, it's always "inconvenient" to their own plans…even when we try to arrange in advance). We also have an 18 year old cat (mine, pre-relationship) that needs elder care (and money put aside for for the inevitable because it's expensive–and mandatory– to cremate a cat in the city), but our vet savings paid their rent because they adopted a new (pedigreed) puppy that needed gasteobypass surgery (i have never asked whether that dog was purchased because I REALLY don't need to know, letting go 'can be' a blessing)….grrrrrrrrrrrr…..so you aren't the only one who holds grudges, either. Makes it harder when you really do love them dearly…except…eh?
Could you have a re-talk with them and say you have gone over finances (get all professional with papers spread out over the dining room table etc) and see that you can manage to add 300 towards an AC but not the full amount and do an envelope/jar type system for "shared" costs with a production of contribution to the jar….tell your MIL to 'pick up pennies' on her walks or advertise your own "hey, 50 cents for the AC jar"…make it a family project/goal.
I know it's more of a headache but I've found to get all open and enthusiastic has one of two outcomes: 1) they pick up the ball and run with it and it helps family bonding and actually surprise you with some unorthodox ways (besides personally costing you less) or 2) they get so turned-off by the coziness and openness of it all about money, so manage to come up with the funds on their own and don't bother you about similar situations in the future in order to avoid your own OCD…."no, no, it's okay honey, we'll figure it out." Their solution may not be my own but that kind, I can "let go". The only problem is you never know which attitude they'll take towards which approach and you may find them all enthusiastic when you hoped they wouldn't because it means extra work…but at least cost is kept in check.
(one thing that gets me specifically is the unavoidable evidence that unless i implement more concrete goals, that could very well be me in my man in another 20 years; and, I really don't like some of the resemblances between my MIL and me….sometimes dad finding a girl like dear old mom gives a wake-up call to the girl)
I'm very glad you share tho'…i've gotten a few ideas (and a lot of "thank goodness its not just me") already from your archives about dealing with less than frugal ILs when one is not exactly in a position to just provide willy-nilly. Your ILs do sound like very sweet people, financial sense aside.
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seattlegirluw Reply:
February 28th, 2012 at 9:12 am
Bareheadedwoman: Eesh, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I will say this for my in-laws: They don't spend money they don't have. It's just, when they do have it, they spend it and don't really save much for the future.
When they first got here, Nadine talked a lot (I think to bond with me or show me that they really were going to be responsible) about how she was frugal here, frugal there, saved this and that. After the first couple weeks of it, I said a slightly nicer version of "Okay but it's only savings if you actually save it."
She said she had had a decent sized savings account. When I asked what happened to it, she said it went to bills while Marc was out of a job and her health went bad. First of all, their finances were separate and she was only able to work part-time. So I'm not sure where she would have saved up the funds. Second, by the time her atrial fibrillation was diagnosed — maybe a year into my and Tim's relationship — they were already living pretty lean. Based on some rough math (that I can't remember now) I figured she was talking about $1,500 or less as her "pretty big" savings account.
And, hey, $1,500 is more than we have in savings right now. But she was also 57 when we met with no IRA, 401(k) or any such things to be had. We only put $100/month to our Roth IRA, but we do have $3,000 in there at this point. And I'm resolved to increase the contributions this year to be $300/month.
I love them. I do. They're sweet, sweet people and they're very giving with what they have. But if they don't start facing reality soon (in June 2010, she was still talking about "when Marc retires" while he was in training at age 58 to work in computer networking) I worry that they'll never do anything but live hand to mouth.
[Reply]
seattlegirluw Reply:
February 28th, 2012 at 9:17 am
Oh, and I did forget to tell my therapist that we're all sharing one car. So I think that might have changed his answer a bit…
[Reply]
seattlegirluw Reply:
February 28th, 2012 at 9:12 am
Bareheadedwoman: Eesh, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I will say this for my in-laws: They don't spend money they don't have. It's just, when they do have it, they spend it and don't really save much for the future.
When they first got here, Nadine talked a lot (I think to bond with me or show me that they really were going to be responsible) about how she was frugal here, frugal there, saved this and that. After the first couple weeks of it, I said a slightly nicer version of "Okay but it's only savings if you actually save it."
She said she had had a decent sized savings account. When I asked what happened to it, she said it went to bills while Marc was out of a job and her health went bad. First of all, their finances were separate and she was only able to work part-time. So I'm not sure where she would have saved up the funds. Second, by the time her atrial fibrillation was diagnosed — maybe a year into my and Tim's relationship — they were already living pretty lean. Based on some rough math (that I can't remember now) I figured she was talking about $1,500 or less as her "pretty big" savings account.
And, hey, $1,500 is more than we have in savings right now. But she was also 57 when we met with no IRA, 401(k) or any such things to be had. We only put $100/month to our Roth IRA, but we do have $3,000 in there at this point. And I'm resolved to increase the contributions this year to be $300/month.
I love them. I do. They're sweet, sweet people and they're very giving with what they have. But if they don't start facing reality soon (in June 2010, she was still talking about "when Marc retires" while he was in training at age 58 to work in computer networking) I worry that they'll never do anything but live hand to mouth.
[Reply]
seattlegirluw Reply:
February 28th, 2012 at 9:17 am
Oh, and I did forget to tell my therapist that we're all sharing one car. So I think that might have changed his answer a bit…
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Some people need a concrete goal to save towards…..so maybe saying to them "no, I'm sorry, we're not comfortable putting this on the credit card. How can we help/encourage you to start saving?" You (and they) may be pleasantly surprised!
And I disagree with the therapist too. I think you can set boundaries for you and Tim, and THEN let the little stuff go, but if you never have those boundaries to begin with, then everything is annoying!
[Reply]
seattlegirluw Reply:
February 29th, 2012 at 10:12 am
Den,
Actually, that's pretty close to what he was saying. Essentially, he was saying that I need to develop boundaries so that these little things don't nag at me so much.
[Reply]
seattlegirluw Reply:
February 29th, 2012 at 10:12 am
Den,
Actually, that's pretty close to what he was saying. Essentially, he was saying that I need to develop boundaries so that these little things don't nag at me so much.
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I also disagree with your therapist – A whole lot of small things can quickly turn into one big ball of resentment, and when they add up and add up it's incredibly hard to let that go. I'll just say this: If you can let ALL the little things go without stressing, worrying, fretting, or resenting, you'd be a better person than ANYONE I know. It's okay to get upset over the small things, but just choose a few out of the bunch.
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