A Facebook friend recently posted that she didn’t think she could go on.
Here are the unhelpful things that some of her friends said. Some paraphrased. Some (#2) not:
1. Have a little more patience and everything will get better.
2. Don’t even THINK about doing it. If you can’t live for yourself, live for your children!
3. Jesus loves you. Let him in.
4. Life is tough. There are ups and downs. You’ll get through this just fine.
5 (and my personal favorite). This is a horrible, selfish act. Your kids will never forgive you for doing this to them.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
What would be the right thing to say?
Seriously. I'm flummoxed by a remark like this (though, come to think of it, I've been known to make such remarks myself).
Two internal strategies have caused me to defer action:
1. Internal dialogue as follows: "Jump out this window and you could land on that fence there. It could break your fall and you wouldn't be killed but you could be crippled. And then life really wouldn't be worth living but you wouldn't be able to do anything about it."
2. So much depression that I couldn't even get my act together to actually do it. A long delay in taking action in fact does result in the "downs" passing. Tomorrow, thank Gawd, is another day.
But wouldn't these insights, based on experience, be just as opaque as the cliches above?
[Reply]
Abigail Reply:
September 17th, 2012 at 10:05 am
I posted a far too long response, suggesting that family & friends refrain from making her feel guilty about something that she had no control over and probably felt guilty about already. Shaming a suicidal person is not generally the best strategy overall.
My suggestion was that they tell her they love her and are there for her if she needs to talk or if there's anything they can do to help.
I did also urge her to consider seeing someone about antidepressants (the line about "it doesn't fix everything but it makes things a lot easier while you do that work yourself") or, if she's already on meds, to talk to her doctor about increasing the dosage/switching to a different one.
Then I reminded her that depression is the only disease that tricks us into feeling ashamed and believing we can/should be able to fix it ourselves. You don't try to cure pneumonia on your own, nor do you feel like a bad person for getting it. Depression is also a disease and we need to think about it in similar terms.
I will admit that guilt is what kept me from harming myself — well, that and an utter squeamish-ness about how much a knife would hurt — but generally it's a terrible way to go.
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Elizabeth Reply:
December 18th, 2012 at 7:42 pm
I agree that is important to include things you SHOULD say in this post. I found this article helpful on the "Do's and Don'ts of Suicide Prevention" http://www.psychalive.org/2010/03/the-do%E2%80%99…
[Reply]
Abigail Reply:
September 17th, 2012 at 10:05 am
I posted a far too long response, suggesting that family & friends refrain from making her feel guilty about something that she had no control over and probably felt guilty about already. Shaming a suicidal person is not generally the best strategy overall.
My suggestion was that they tell her they love her and are there for her if she needs to talk or if there's anything they can do to help.
I did also urge her to consider seeing someone about antidepressants (the line about "it doesn't fix everything but it makes things a lot easier while you do that work yourself") or, if she's already on meds, to talk to her doctor about increasing the dosage/switching to a different one.
Then I reminded her that depression is the only disease that tricks us into feeling ashamed and believing we can/should be able to fix it ourselves. You don't try to cure pneumonia on your own, nor do you feel like a bad person for getting it. Depression is also a disease and we need to think about it in similar terms.
I will admit that guilt is what kept me from harming myself — well, that and an utter squeamish-ness about how much a knife would hurt — but generally it's a terrible way to go.
[Reply]
Elizabeth Reply:
December 18th, 2012 at 7:42 pm
I agree that is important to include things you SHOULD say in this post. I found this article helpful on the "Do's and Don'ts of Suicide Prevention" http://www.psychalive.org/2010/03/the-do%E2%80%99…
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Have been in very similiar situation and it has been my experience that…. more listening and less talking is the way to go. But of course each and every person is different. We all get down from time to time but certain folks are more "vulnerable" to negative thoughts. I have also had some luck in trying to find what the "trigger" is that pushed my friend to such desperation and pain. As lame as it sounds …I try to talk about the positive …what a good friend they are and that there is help available. I do agree with FAM though…."what is the right thing to say?" Sometimes this stuff is best left to a professional in the field.
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Abigail Reply:
September 17th, 2012 at 10:08 am
Yes, I think the best message is we love you, we support you, we will be there for you — but please please please see a professional to help you.
Listening and or just the offer is generally the best way to go, from the depressives I know. You feel very alone when you're suicidal, so it's a good way to be reminded that people care about you/aren't judging you (except this person's friends apparently)/want to be there to help in any way they can.
Ultimately, though, they do need a professional's help. If they're not comfortable with that, I suggest they at least talk to a religious leader they know and trust. These days, a lot of those folks have some training in the field.
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Abigail Reply:
September 17th, 2012 at 10:08 am
Yes, I think the best message is we love you, we support you, we will be there for you — but please please please see a professional to help you.
Listening and or just the offer is generally the best way to go, from the depressives I know. You feel very alone when you're suicidal, so it's a good way to be reminded that people care about you/aren't judging you (except this person's friends apparently)/want to be there to help in any way they can.
Ultimately, though, they do need a professional's help. If they're not comfortable with that, I suggest they at least talk to a religious leader they know and trust. These days, a lot of those folks have some training in the field.
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Speaking as someone who almost always has suicide int he back of her mind, "I'm sorry that you are in so much pain" is about the only thing to say. Maybe an invite for something concrete, like coffee.
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Abigail Reply:
September 17th, 2012 at 10:10 am
Amen, sistah!
Offer to listen, offer support, and offer to drive them to any appointment they need to get to — because you know how hard it can be to get going on your own — and for the love of god (and the person herself) don't offer shame!
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Abigail Reply:
September 17th, 2012 at 11:09 am
Sorry, I am a little tired, or I'd have said in the previous reply: I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain all the time. If you ever need to talk, please use the "Contact" button at the top of the page to send me a note.
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Abigail Reply:
September 17th, 2012 at 10:10 am
Amen, sistah!
Offer to listen, offer support, and offer to drive them to any appointment they need to get to — because you know how hard it can be to get going on your own — and for the love of god (and the person herself) don't offer shame!
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Abigail Reply:
September 17th, 2012 at 11:09 am
Sorry, I am a little tired, or I'd have said in the previous reply: I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain all the time. If you ever need to talk, please use the "Contact" button at the top of the page to send me a note.
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Another not-so-helpful-thing-to-say is, "Oh, you are NOT!" That was probably the beginning of the end of that particular friendship. At the time, I was devastated but hell, we were teenagers and that was most likely the first thing that popped into her head. I finally talked to a school counselor who helped me hang on long enough to graduate high school.
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Abigail Reply:
September 18th, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Ha! What are you supposed to say to that? “Am too!”?
People are just so lovely about what they don’t understand.
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Abigail Reply:
September 18th, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Ha! What are you supposed to say to that? “Am too!”?
People are just so lovely about what they don’t understand.
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My mother-in-law committed suicide two years ago. I think #2 and #5 are particularly damaging. In her case, I think her suicide was exacerbated by living for her kids and husband and she went to her death believing her family would be ashamed of and never forgive her.
I would also like to say that I believe jokes about suicide ("Why don't you just kill yourself") are always inappropriate. I can't tell you how often I see that crap on Facebook.
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Abigail Reply:
September 23rd, 2012 at 11:32 am
Oh boy. I’m sorry to hear about your loss (even two years later) and I’m even sorrier to hear that she wasn’t able to ask for the help she needed.
I really just wanted to reach through Facebook and slap some people.
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Abigail Reply:
September 23rd, 2012 at 11:32 am
Oh boy. I’m sorry to hear about your loss (even two years later) and I’m even sorrier to hear that she wasn’t able to ask for the help she needed.
I really just wanted to reach through Facebook and slap some people.
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