Well, the test results came back. My HCG levels hadn’t dropped as of Monday. Startling but nice to hear.
HCG levels are supposed to double every two or three days, and mine rose from 4,325 very early Saturday morning to 11,000ish Monday afternoon. That’s pretty good. But the cramps come and go throughout each day. They’re light compared to my past experience with miscarriages, but they’re definitely noticeable. And the spotting is happening pretty consistently throughout the day. So I’m just not sure what to think.
I just have to make it five more days until the early ultrasound. Then we’ll find out if there’s a heartbeat. In the meantime, I’m desperately trying to tamp down the small tendrils of hope. I remember the last three times, going in anxious to see the embryo and hear the hearbeat and hearing nothing but the thrum of the ultrasound machine.
I know it won’t actually change the outcome, but part of me wishes my mom wasn’t leaving until after the ultrasound. It’s not that it would affect the outcome; it’s not even like she’d be able to do much other than what Tim has done every single time, which is keep making sure I don’t need anything and giving me both hugs and space. Really, she’d just feel powerless here instead of up there. It’s pointless, really. Just a psychological knee-jerk that equates a parent’s presence with making things easier. In fact, it won’t matter if I have one person or two in the house fretting over me, since I’ll escape into books, TV/movies and sleeping. So I guess the only difference is that the cookies, clean dishes and clean floors would continue a few days longer.
So I’ll try to keep myself occupied for the next five days. I received several books and three Professor Layton puzzle games for Christmas, so I think that will keep me going. Speaking of keeping myself busy, I’m going to catch up on work emails, then get back to showing my mom some episodes of White Collar while she’s still here.