I’m afraid there’s not much to report. The cramping is still coming and going, and the spotting is there most of the time I’m awake. I know cramping/spoting is normal to a point, but this is significantly more than two of the three prior miscarriages. And that’s only because the other one happened on its own, no D&C required.

I’m still taking the progesterone just in case. That said, I’ve got to lay off the heating pad. I’ve been using it for the cramps, not even thinking about the fact that it relaxes muscle tension. That may be what’s been keeping things at bay. If I am going to miscarry, I’d much rather it be spontaneous, so I can avoid more surgery.

I know this all sounds a little clinical on my end, but that’s just how my mind’s working. I feel like I should be feeling more, and there is sadness and anxiety. I get teary when I write these posts, especially the last one about wanting my mommy. But mainly the feelings are muted. Like I’ve been sitting on them, and they went to sleep. I suppose that’s resignation.

The good news is that my mom decided to stick around.

After writing Thursday’s post, I thought about asking her to stay. But it would mean another four days just to get to the ultrasound. And unless something happened spontaneously, it would be a couple of days to arrange a D&C, then recovery time. I know she wants to take care of me, but asking her to at least double her trip seemed a bit much.

But I guess she came to her own conclusions, probably after reading the post. Incidentally, I swear it was not a passive aggressive request, just kind of a train of thought I was following. I’m a little out of it these days, as you might imagine, so my brain has been more than happy to forge its own path randomly throughout the day. For example, yesterday I had an old song stuck in my head. After thinking for a moment, I realized it was “King of Wishful Thinking” by Fine Young Cannibals. A tad pointed, given my current situation. Apparently, my brain is both dark and dated. Who says I can’t multitask?

Anyway, Mom is now staying until January 9th. I was thrilled, but also worried about Tim feeling left and/or crowded out. He assured me that he didn’t mind and that it was clearly important for me to have her here. Multitudes of husband points. I really must make a list of valuable prizes he can trade them in for.

He also admitted that he wouldn’t mind a little backup this time through. He’s been a rock the last three times, but he was the only rock. It was hard on him, especially since he had his own feelings to deal with. For the record, he’s been great this past week too. He goes out whenever I need something, even when he doesn’t feel well himself. I need fewer things, though, when there’s someone to fix meals and snacks. So I guess he has a point about Mom being backup.

One small item of mirth: Despite doing so much for us and despite now making significantly less than us thanks to MSN cutting its writers, my mom keeps worrying about paying for things. Like when she has some pizza we ordered or her own meal when I sent Tim out for Thai food. Or at the store, when I lumped her items ($10 max) in with our groceries. I’ve started telling her to consider it terrible pay for being a maid and cook.

It’s good to (still) have her here.


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The (sorta) poor relation. | Surviving and Thriving
January 7, 2014 at 1:14 am

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