Friday night my uterus finally stepped up its game, and we were able to skip having the procedure at Planned Parenthood.
We went to Urgent Care, where things got, er, messy before they got to me. Which means I was then hurried back and taken seriously. Which is good because we were mainly there for painkillers and, without that little debacle, I was worried they’d write me off as a habitual drugseeker or something.
Instead, the doctor didn’t bat an eye. In fact, he offered a painkiller shot to get me home. I declined, though, because it was dilaudid. It’s essentially synthetic heroin, and it was my constant companion while I had Gullain-Barre. I went through withdrawal from the stuff towards the end of my stay. Then from the methadone they gave me to get off the dilaudid.
So I said no thanks… until 10 minutes later when I was doubled over with a cramp. Then it seemed like a much better option. After all, it’d been over 15 years. I was sure my body could handle it.
Not so much. I spent around 45 minutes on our deliciously cool bathroom tile floor, willing the world to stop spinning and trying to convince my body that it didn’t actually need to throw up. I lost that argument, by the way. And the episode still didn’t cure the nausea or dizziness, which persisted for the next three hours.
Nor did the drug actually touch the pain. And I didn’t want to take the percocet until the shot had worn off. By the time that happened, the bleeding levels had me on track to the ER, where I figured they wouldn’t appreciate my dosing right before my visit.
Turns out they would have been fine with it. It was just that kind of night. Speaking of which, the cramps mostly subsided about 30 minutes into the ER visit, as though my uterus were a car making a funny noise and the ER was the mechanic.
In reality, my body had probably just expelled the vast majority of what it needed to expel, so the violent cramps weren’t as necessary. That’s all well and good, but I would have loved for it to happen while I was on painkillers that worked.
Anyway, even with the two visits and medication, we spent just over $130. The procedure would have been $440 at Planned Parenthood or $978 at the hospital.
The lessons here are:
- It’s a good thing I stocked up on comfort food early.
- Lower level cramps means I’ll probably enjoy the percocet way more.
- My uterus is (eventually) very frugal.