No more heartbeat

The title says it all, I think.

It looks like it stopped developing around a week ago. I realized I forgot to take baby aspirin this time, but I know that wasn’t it. Just like I’ve known for a few days something wasn’t right. I put it off to nerves and paranoia. I told myself it would all be fine. But I just stopped feeling a certain thing that I can’t even name.

When we got the news, I felt an immediate, overwhelming weariness. After I got dressed, I had a maybe 20-second bout of crying; but mainly I’m just too weary to be anything but numb with a slight underlying sadness somewhere in the murky depths.

I think this will probably be it for the attempts at a baby, but obviously today is not the day to make that decision. Or any decision, really.

I’m taking the rest of the day off. I may or may not take tomorrow off. It’d probably be difficult to be polite to customers, but it’s been that way already for awhile thanks to the pregnancy hormones. And last month was a short one, so we could use the money. But in the end, I’ll probably just end up opting for a four-day weekend.

Unfortunately, there’s no cramping or spotting. So we may have another long wait in store like last time. That said, not having to go under anesthesia (which always carries a risk) or have my uterus scraped clean — let alone paying $900ish for the privilege — means I’d really rather just try to let things happen naturally.

More news as (or if) anything develops. Which may be a poor choice of words, but you get my meaning.

 

Comments

  1. Juliana says

    Oh no Abby, I'm so, so, so sorry to hear this :( I've been checking so often for updates and I really, really wanted this to be it for you guys, you have been through so much. Words can't express how sorry I am for your loss :( Please take care of yourself.

  2. Erika says

    I am so, so sorry to hear this news. Was rooting so hard for you guys.

    You take the time you need to rest and grieve.

    Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

  3. lake livin' says

    Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry. I had a good feeling about this one and I know you did as well. I have no idea why this burden keeps being placed on you. It sucks. Big time. I'm sending huge hugs.

  4. Susan says

    I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself and know that lots and lots of people support you. No having control of reproduction is sooooooooooo difficult. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers for a long time.

  5. Jackie says

    I am so sorry.. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but know I am thinking of you.

  6. Deedee says

    I was at a conference today and when on break I checked facebook and saw this and it just plain knocked the stuffing out of me. I was really wanting this one to work for you guys. I am so sorry you have to go through this again Abby. My condolences to you and Tim. Not fair.

  7. lifeisfullofsunnydays says

    I wish I had words right now that would make it all better. Sending healing thoughts your way.

  8. Jen says

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. I was so hopeful for you this time.
    When you have yourself on a bit more sturdy ground, if you choose to do so and have not already, have yourself worked up by a Maternal-Fetal Medicine OB-GYN specialist for high-risk pregnancies. They may be able to detect something at the root of this all.

    Regardless, again, so so sorry for your loss.

  9. jestjack says

    Can't tell you how sorry I am. You guys have certainly been thru the "ringer". Look forward to your return to the blog after some much deserved down time….

  10. guest says

    My heart goes out to you and Tim. Do they have any idea why you cannot support a pregnancy? I know your health (and Tim's) is fragile–could that be the culprit?

    Big hugs.

  11. Punkin Pye says

    My heart goes out to you and Tim. Just know that we all love you and are with you in spirit. Take care of yourself.

  12. debthaven says

    I am just devastated for you and your families. This is my first post on your blog but I have been following you, and rooting for you, for a long while.

    I think you have seen a genetic counselor before, but perhaps you need to return, or to find another one. I am older (your mom's age) and I had a friends with multiple miscarriages when we were all getting pregnant way back when. I have since lost touch with them but after 3 miscarriages, they went on to have children.

    There must be a medical reason for it, but you have to continue to seek out the right person who can hopefully help you and Tim.

    Personally, I would get a second opinion.

    All the best to you.

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