It’s amazing which details kill you.
We saw the reproductive specialist on Friday. It was a loooong appointment. We went over many possibilities for the recurrent losses. We were able to rule a number of them out.
But in the process he reviewed a bunch of records. Which is how I found out that the third miscarriage – the one was sent off to check for chromosomal anomalies – was an XY embryo. In other words, it would have been a boy.
I don’t know why, but that rattled me.
I guess, as with the heartbeat this last time, it just brings home that this really was a potential baby. Not an anonymous clump of cells.
Which is how I tend to think about it for sanity’s sake. A clump I’m fond of and hopeful for, but a clump nonetheless. Because anything more and… you randomly tear up thinking about a baby boy you never had.
Anyway, the three of us discussed where to go from here.
The doctor did a quick ultrasound to verify that my uterus isn’t bicornuate, which was alleged by one ultrasound tech.
We saw a teeny bit of a heart shape at the top, but according to the doc it’s probably too slight to cause an issue. And certainly not as early on as I’ve experienced.
We’ll do an x-ray next week to get a better picture. In the meantime, I’m supposed to go get some blood drawn to check for antibodies that can cause the body to attack the fetus.
He is also going to try to get the full details of our chromosomal blood tests. Apparently, they weren’t included in my OB’s records for some reason.
Once we get all those results in, we can assess whether it’s a good idea to try again.
For those of you keeping count, this’d be the sixth time. I think that would almost certainly be the last one. A (literal) half dozen tries seems like enough. Especially after this last one.
Before the fifth time, each loss was hurtful, but I never questioned that we’d keep trying. Then this last time I saw the heartbeat, and I really thought it meant things would be okay.
It hit home even more when I went over to show it to Marc and Nadine. They have a huge computer screen, so I could even make out the little roll of muscle that happens when a heart beats.
When I lose that pregnancy, something inside me just broke. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to try again after that.
And now that I know about the proto-son, I just don’t know how much more I can bear.
So I guess no news yet. We’ll keep you updated.