I’ve talked a lot on this blog about learning to accept limitations.
I spent so many year fighting against my fatigue. I figured that if I couldn’t work a full-time job, I could work two part-time ones. (Uh, what?)
When that didn’t work, I tried a single part-time job that still required me to leave the house. In fact, I pretty much tried every combination of things — often multiple times — before I finally admitted defeat. By then, I’d worn myself down into a terrifyingly bad deficit, not to mention a worsening depression with each failed attempt at supporting myself.
It still took years of therapists and Tim scolding me before I started to respect my limits. And a bit longer than that to figure out systems that allowed me to still be productive within those confines.
But as I’ve discussed quite a bit on here, I’ve gotten a lot better at not fighting my limits.
When it’s a bad energy day, I don’t push myself to go out and get things done unless it’s completely unavoidable. I try not to schedule multiple appointments on the same day. I set myself just one or two tasks each day to get done. And I try not to blame myself if even those aren’t completed.
In short, I’ve found a way to lean in to the exhaustion and depression. Rather than fight it, I’ve finally made a life that works in and around it.
But I’ve never really talked about the other side of that: mania.
Those of you who are newer to the blog may not know that I’m bipolar II. That’s partly because most of my symptoms manifest as depression rather than mania. But it’s also because because I think “bipolar” still scares people more than plain ole depression. (Charlie Sheen didn’t really do bipolar sufferers any favors in that regard.)
My symptoms are pretty well controlled with my current meds. But just as anti-depressants don’t eradicate all symptoms of depression, mood stabilizers don’t get rid of all my symptoms either.
Which (finally) brings me to my point. I’ve been cycling a little manic lately. That means that I don’t sleep as well, am fidgety and get random bursts of energy — which unfortunately are generally overly focused intent on something of no consequence.
This used to frustrate me to no end. It reminded me just how little control I had over my own brain. So I’d fight it. I’d try to make myself sleep, and I’d try to avoid using my extra energy on random things. I’d often make myself sit still rather than fuss over a project that I deemed “not worth my energy.”
But eventually I realized that I just needed to lean into it.
Sure, it’s a little frustrating when I get sidelined on random projects. Rather than working more on my blog, for example, I spent part of Tuesday evening cleaning bathroom sinks and toilets.
Not exactly pressing matters, although I admit the state of both had been annoying me for quite some time. But fighting the impulse would be useless, and at least this way something was getting done.
Now I have clean(er) bathrooms, a little peace of mind and the knowledge that I’m getting better at not fighting my body.
What’s a natural impulse you fight or used to fight? Have you figured out a way to make it work for you?
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
I’m really sensitive and it used to frustrate me when people used to say, “you take things so seriously or you’re too sensitive.” I’ve embraced it because it’s part of my creativity, and it doesn’t disrupt my life so it’s not a big deal. Overall I feel lucky though that I’ve never suffered any kind of metal illness, or really any kind of chronic illness. I think it would be tough.
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Abigail says
Ah yes, I was labeled a cry baby. I’d never considered that it was linked to creativity, so nice connection there. And yeah it’s tough, but the world keeps spinning no matter how much I pout. So I just get on with it. About all we can all do, whether we’re sensitive, mentally ill, sick or any other human condition.
Cindy Brick says
I fight the “bag lady” syndrome — what my family calls “sitting out on the street, begging for nickels.” In fact, we like to tease each other with who will look the most pitiful — but they’ll be front and center. (Right now, the leading candidates are our dog Charley, plus youngest daughter, who could look like an orfling at the drop of a hat.)
So what do I use to combat this…a quick look at our finances, a reminder of money earned (and checks that will be coming in shortly), a look at our bulging freezer and foodshelves (a big calmer-downer)…and a lot of prayer.
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Abigail says
Sometimes I calm down when looking at bank balances too. It’s good to realize you have safety nets in case the “what if” scenarios become real. As I’ve said in a few comments, I’ve thought out what would happen if a few things came to pass. And when the worry about that rears its head, I just tell myself that I’ve done all the planning I can. And that I need to move on to another subject stat.
Donna Freedman says
As you know, I suffer from “but what if…?” syndrome. What if I lose my job? What if I run out of money? What if I get sick and can’t work?
Lately I’ve been combating it with a bit of self-directed snark: “What if something goes RIGHT…? How the heck would I manage?”
Fact is, a little bit of worrying isn’t such a bad thing. It helps me make sure I’ve dotted every I and crossed every T. However, when I get to fearing things that not only haven’t happened but probably never will then it’s time to back off. So I fall back on my other self-directed snark: “What do you mean, you can’t do this? You ARE doing this!” And then I just keep on doing it.
Donna Freedman recently posted…Wil Wheaton hits ‘reset.’
Abigail says
Yep, we’re a family of worriers. My best defense is to just play out the scenario in my head. Okay, what if I did lose my job? Things would get very, very tough. But I know how much we need to earn (by and large) and that I could start freelancing. It would be far too much work at first, but I’d winnow it down as I was able to demand higher prices. What if Tim loses his disability? Well, we’ll work on repayment, and we’ll keep working on the appeal until someone listens to us and sees reason. In the meantime, things will be tight, and we’ll have a lot less fun.
And once I’ve realized that, each time the subject comes up I just shut it down with “Well, we have a plan. So there’s nothing more we can do right now.”
Practical Parsimony says
When people tell me not to worry, I think, “If I don’t worry about this, who will?”
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Abigail says
Well, worrying about household things is totally understandable. Worrying about big picture, out of your control stuff… The best you can do in either case is just have a plan. I think the biggest issue for us worriers is that our brains won’t let it go. I have to tell myself that there’s nothing more I can do until the situation is actually at hand. Worrying more accomplishes nothing.
becky says
i love your approach. I too have a chronic illness and fight it..sometimes I need to just rest and heal. Thanks for this
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Abigail says
Glad I could help. I remember all too well how difficult it is to let yourself just rest. Especially when you’re not sure how much rest you’ll need before you feel better. And when life refuses to halt just because you need to.
Hannah says
This is a really interesting question. I think one of my biggest areas of “leaning in” is accepting my aspirations. Because I’m an ENTJ and really good at earning money, I never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, but that’s what I want. The heart wants what it will, I suppose. I think there is a certain level of reckoning that comes with accepting that my aspirations and my skills aren’t necessarily in alignment.
Abigail says
It’s tough to make that choice. A fair chunk of society isn’t all that nice to stay at home moms. (For the record, I think either working while having a kid or staying at home with a kid are equally valid and both are one of the most difficult things a woman has to do.) So going against what you think you ought to do in order to do what you want is a pretty tough call. Good for you for figuring it out!
Kalie says
A combination of fatigue and mania sounds really hard–I feel for you and am glad to hear you’re learning to lean into it. I am such an angsty person. Sometimes I know it’s that I’m being ungrateful, but sometimes it’s that I like to think about existential topics, perhaps a little too much. One day I’m content and the next I’m wondering if I’ve only imagined that my life is significant. That’s when I know I need to write and sort it out.
Kalie recently posted…Is Minimalism the New Materialism?
Abigail says
Yeah, that seems like a pretty good indication that you need to work/write your way through some stuff. I think our lives are significant to ourselves and our loved ones. And apparently our readers!
Holly@ClubThrifty says
4 out of 5 immediate family members have anxiety. My mom is the only family member who doesn’t have anxiety, and I’m the only person in our family who isn’t on some type of anxiety/depression medication. Both my brother and my dad have had break-downs and been institutionalized in the last five years.
My anxiety manifests itself in productive ways, which is why I deal with it pretty well. Still, I often wonder if I should be on meds too! I can get pretty stressed out for no reason, and sometimes I wish I could escape from my own thoughts.
Holly@ClubThrifty recently posted…October 2015 Income and Blog Update: $17,070 for 12 days of Work
Abigail says
I get anxious, and once I had a deep, ongoing anxiety issue (just do a search on this site for zombies) so I can only imagine how people live with it day to day. I’m glad you’re making it work for you. And if you ever truly wonder whether you should try it, go talk to a therapist. That person can help you create coping mechanisms and/or tell you whether medication is worthwhile. Sounds like you’ve definitely leaned in, though, so congrats on that.
Bryan @ Just One More Year says
I think you are taking a logical approach to working with a difficult situation. I had a family member that was bipolar (passed away now) and it can be a struggle sometimes. Focusing your attention on cleaning and other tasks when in the manic state is a productive outlet for your energy.
I wish you and Tim both the best in working through your health challenges.
@ Donna – I too suffer from the “what if ” scenario. What if things don’t go as planned? What if I get hit by a comet (borrowed from Abigail)? What if I don’t have enough?
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Abigail says
Thanks, it’s certainly an ongoing struggle. Unfortunately, it’s not so much me focusing the attention as it is my attention randomly focusing on something. But at least things get a little cleaner occasionally.
DC @ Young Adult Money says
I’m a night owl and I don’t really fight it anymore. I do try to have a routine of getting into bed, but if I want to read or look up random stuff online I don’t really fight it. I’ve come to accept the fact that I will typically be a bit tired the next day, but it’s not worth trying to get in a pattern of going to bed earlier because each weekend I’m bound to stay up really late.
DC @ Young Adult Money recently posted…7 Ways Stress Can Mess With Your Finances
Abigail says
I actually do try to fight my night owl tendencies. I have enough trouble sleeping that bad things happen when I don’t make myself get to bed before 11. i have to be pretty careful on weekends even. But I’m glad you’ve found a way to be pretty flexible about it — and accept the consequences.
fehmeen @ Debt Free Lifestyle says
You’re so honest about this, so I have to stop and say ‘kudos to you for understanding yourself so well and being confident enough to share it here’. These short bursts of energy you talk about may bother you but they do help get things done. Sure, the tasks may seem non-productive at times but we all have those moments where you know what you’re doing isn’t your first priority, you know you wont get it done in time to end up getting late for something else, and it may be something pretty inconsequential. It’s a part of life and accepting, embracing rather, your weaknesses is all part of a healthy life!
fehmeen @ Debt Free Lifestyle recently posted…7 Ways to Cut Your Medical Bill – Frugal Health Management
Abigail says
Well thanks for the kudos. And yeah, part of life (even for people without mental illness) is accepting that what we’re supposed to do and what we want to do are often vastly different. It’s just a little more controllable when I’m not manic.