Thanks to everyone who responded to my last post about infertility. I guess I just need to spill the angst and frustration and sorrow onto the virtual page.
The answer was clear
Now that I got it all out, it’s easier to think. I’m no longer trapped in a swirling fog of doubt and hurt and fear. At this point, it’s more like a light mist.
More importantly, reader reactions helped make the choice. Everyone gave support in his or her own way, and I’m grateful. Many of you said lovely things that reminded me to be courageous. Alas, what really made me decide were the… other comments.
Let me preface this by saying that everyone had the best of intensions. But there were some comments that made me very upset and very defensive. I was only able to temper my responses because I knew that each reader really was trying to help. In some cases, it simply didn’t come across well. (I received apologies after some back and forth, which were very much appreciated.)
As I read through the issues raised, my head swirled with the many reasons we would be good parents. I thought of all the positives about our situation that would help even out the negatives.
And then I realized that I had my answer. Obviously, I wouldn’t be so upset if I was ready to give up. Clearly, this isn’t something I still really want, despite the potential heartache.
So we’re going to do one last go-round. But a few things are changing.
Bye bye needle
We’re ditching the fertility medications.
The Clomid was prescribed so that I’d release two or three eggs instead of just one. The idea being that it gave us a better chance at a viable egg and, therefore, a viable embryo.
But if my eggs really are the problem, then that means I’ve had five bad ones already. If that’s the case, how likely is it really that an extra one or two will magically be okay?
The Ovidrel was ruled out for other reasons.
It causes me to ovulate within two to three days of injection. But a time crunch probably isn’t the best idea for people coping with chronic fatigue, chronic pain and depression. The stress of a deadline always raises problems in our household.
Not to mention the stress of the cost associated with the medications and ultrasounds: $1,200 a try. That’s a lot of pressure — and pressure ain’t romantic!
So we’re going back to the basics when the time comes.
But that time isn’t just yet. I can’t see my OB until the 29th.
My old OB isn’t covered under my new plan. I’m not terribly broken up about it. Other than several very sad encounters, I didn’t have much interaction with the man.
That’s all well and good, but it’d be a pain to try to have a pregnancy confirmation be the first time I met my new one. So a new-patient appointment is in order. I’ll see her at the end of the month. We’ll make sure everyone’s on the same page, make sure she doesn’t have any suggestions and then get on with things.
If we’re lucky, she’ll agree to write out a prescription for progesterone ahead of time. It’d be best to take that as soon as I’m done ovulating. Hormones are a good thing here! (Everyone light a candle for poor Tim.)
Start supplements early
As soon as I have the OB appointment, I’m going to start taking the prenatal vitamins. I may even start taking the baby aspirin (to help avoid clots) then too.
I’m nervous about forgetting the aspirin because I completely forgot to take it during the fourth pregnancy. I bought it while pregnant and then promptly left it sitting in the cupboard.
But if I decide to wait on the aspirin, I’ll just break out the ole pill organizer to be sure everything is accounted for.
I’m back on sugar
Once there’s even a chance I’m pregnant, I’ll be ditching the protein bars. The reproductive endocrinologist was a little iffy on my taking in soy protein while pregnant. His exact words were, “Weeell, it’ll probably be fine.”
Not terribly reassuring. So the bars are out — and with them my one real shot at keeping a low-sugar diet going. I’ll be craving sugar — I do that even when I’m not pregnant — so I need to be able to just have some.
Which I couldn’t do on the previous diet. (TMI alert! Okay, you were warned.) When I’d indulge in any real amount of sugar, I’d get yeast infections. They’d inevitably only clear up with a prescription.
Obviously, I don’t want to take anything while pregnant — well, anything more than I already am — so my system has to already be used to sugar ahead of time. Hence, I’m back to having candy.
Lose (a little) weight
Given that last section, I can understand if you’re a little skeptical on this one. But I think it’s at least a good goal.
I’m the lightest I’ve been in around 15 years. I weigh 10 lbs less than I did during the last pregnancy, 20 lbs less than the third and fourth tries and 30 lbs less than the first two.
That said, I’m still around 10-15 lbs overweight. So I think I should at least try to shed a few more pounds.
I’m not going to go overboard. I don’t want to freak my body out. But if I can get back into regular exercise — it’s been a little hit or miss the last three weeks — then I think I can safely lose about four or five pounds.
And if I don’t lose that much (or any), so be it. But I should at least try to be in the best shape possible. The best shape, that is, while I still eat candy. So we’ll see how things play out.
Prepare for more calories
I actually have to start getting ready to eat more. A pregnant woman doesn’t really need to increase her caloric intake much in the first trimester, but I need to get back into the range of weight maintenance. Right now, I’m taking in enough calories to stay healthy but also stimulate weight loss.
I won’t increase my consumption yet, but I need to make sure I have actual food around once I need it.
Ideally, in this last attempt, I’d go crazy with healthy foods. Except that I tried that before. Well, maybe not “healthy” — but I did spend a lot of time trying to hit the book’s various daily recommended amounts of the umpteen food groups listed.
Clearly, my efforts didn’t do much. Except manage to stress me out horribly. Since stress isn’t good for a pregnancy (or me in general), I’m not going to think too much about it right away.
The prenatals should keep me covered initially. And if I can make it past the 10th week, then I’ll start really focusing on it. By which I mean pleading with Nadine to cook for me.
This spud’s for you (not me)
Yes, I know it’s completely irrational, but I’ll be skipping potatoes if at all possible. I’m sure you’re all right, and it’s perfectly fine. I know I’m almost certainly being irrational.
But logic doesn’t touch grief — and it certainly doesn’t quell the fear of loss.
So once again, it’s about avoiding stress. I’ll eschew, rather than chew, potatoes during the first trimester; and we can all have a good laugh once I’ve gestated successfully.
What do you think of my plan? Anything I’m forgetting? Anything that worries you? Any chance you won’t try to convince me that potatoes are perfectly safe?