I was really hoping I was. Not just because of the time issue but because I’ve been so damn emotional lately. I hated to think that it was all coming from a normal level of hormones. But it was.
I guess Mother’s Day was just particularly hard for me this year. Even compared to the year where I miscarried on our anniversary, two days before Mother’s Day. Of course, at that point I wasn’t watching commercials.
This year, as previously mentioned, a stupid pics-of-Moms-taken-with-iPhone commercial had me teary every. damn. time. A couple other things (which now escape memory) made me start crying. Or at least choke up.
In all, I was just been sadder around most things involving motherhood or potential miscarriages. When we set the date for Tim’s oral surgery, I did some quick math. If I was indeed pregnant, the 19th would be right in the danger zone. So I had to warn them that potential health issues might mean we had to reschedule.
I started crying as we pulled out of the parking lot. There’s nothing quite like having to plan your life around potential miscarriages. After a certain point you become jaded enough to start scheduling your infertility.
And now there’s also the issue of time. This upcoming cycle will be the last time I can get pregnant and reliably be out of my first trimester (one way or another) before FinCon. I refuse to travel during the most miscarriage-likely time.
Unfortunately, it’s not great timing this month. Potential fertile time will start the day after Tim’s oral surgery. Of course, thanks to a few factors there’s a 10-day window that I might or might not be ovulating.
Thus far I’ve refused to throw money into ovulation strips because they seem so unnecessary. But maybe I’ll invest in them this month. On the other hand, the last thing we need is more stress. And stress/bad feelings could just be heightened if I am ovulating while he’s doped up on meds and/or in pain.
All in all, I’m just feeling very sad and discouraged. I see babies on TV and in person, and they just feel alien as a concept. Something I know abstractly that I want, but also something that just isn’t going to happen for me. Something that won’t actually be in our lives.
I know I need to stay positive. And I’m doing my level best. But it’s hard not to take history into account. History is not on our side, uterine-wise anyway.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been so bad about posting lately. Between the stress of this and the stress of the book/publicity and the stress of the other million details Tim and I juggle… All I want to do is, um, nothing.
I feel like I have nothing but book news to add at present. Not even money news. And I don’t feel up to rehashing everything that is going on. Especially when it feels like a whole bunch of nuthin’.
It’s not that I can’t enjoy myself at all. I just can’t seem to muster the wherewithal to think of any great posts or read other blogs or do much besides tread water on various fronts.
Perhaps I’ll feel better when the physical book is officially out and sales resume. I did click to publish on Saturday, but it takes 3-5 business days to be up and running. So as late as Friday, I guess. I’ll post about it as soon as it’s up.
In the meantime, we’re having a friend over today. We haven’t seen her in a few years. She only just moved back to the area. She’s pretty ill, too, so it’s a treat for us all to see each other without spending much money or doing anything that requires too much exertion.
We need to have people over more often. Besides the obvious socializing aspect, it forces us to tidy up a bit. I’m off to finish that up and answer emails. Customers rudely keep expecting me to help them. So selfish.