I’ve never been great at allowing myself healing time.
I laid low on Friday after the D & C. On Saturday, though, I took my mother-in-law to a Goodwill sale. Then, instead of lying down, I got a notion in my head that it was the perfect time to sweep the house. (In my defense, tile means it’s more obvious you need to clean.) And sweeping entails sweeping, then Swiffering and then using a wet Swiffer cloth.
That started the cramps back up, but I desperately wanted to get out of the house. So I went to Magic with Tim. We had to drop in the second round — the two doses of ibuprofen weren’t touching the cramps and I was even more emotionally fragile than expected.
I feel too exposed when I’m around people who know — even though I know they want to be supportive — and too upset at people who don’t know, for not magically sensing the crap I’m going through. Or, maybe, because I’m afraid then I’ll have to tell them.
So I’ve stayed home and laid low. And filled the Vicodin prescription the doctor wrote. Other than going out once a day for a meal — not great for the budget but we can afford it if we’re careful in other areas and, frankly, who gives a crap right now anyway — I pretty much just sit around at home and watch TV or sleep.
Mostly sleep, actually. To the point that I’m actually sore from sleeping so much. (I bought two massages through Groupon. Tim and I could both use some pampering.)
Meanwhile, I’ve given Tim my blessing to go and play Magic. Part of me wants to keep him here, holding me and/or watching TV with me. But even on good days, he goes a little stir crazy; and this miscarriage happened to him, too.
He wanted to have people over, so he could still be close. But then he’d also be distracted. But I’m just not up for interaction with most people. Instead, he goes out and plays. But if he isn’t sure he’ll get into the Top 8, he drops after round 3 — out of 5 or 6 — and comes home to check on me. So far, it works more than it doesn’t, which is about all you can hope for in such situations.
The only other issue is my irritability. Everything is a mountain — especially molehills. Everything exasperates me. The only reason I’m able to be back at work is that I only talk to customers via email. So I can take deep breaths and channel a patient, courteous version of myself.
I’d take more time off, but sitting around all day will quickly drive me even crazier than dealing with customers.
Instead, I’m going to go in for medication management. I called my health plan and got a list of approved practitioners. On Monday, I’ll call around and make an appointment. I predict the person will increase my mood stabilizer. And I predict that will help some — and every little bit counts.