Okay, I promised an explanation for my reticence lately. So here it goes: I was utterly and completely terrified of a zombie attack.
I know that sounds crazy. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s one of the textbook definitions of crazy. It probably would be considered a psychotic break, except that I was thoroughly aware that zombies aren’t real and wouldn’t actually attack.
Nevertheless… About 10 hours after seeing some inconsequential clip on the Internet that joked about a zombie apocalypse — one that didn’t bother me at all when I watched it, mind you — I was completely convinced that zombies would burst through the door. I was also convinced that if I did somehow fall asleep, I’d wake up and Tim would be a zombie.
Tim woke up when I started crying, and he helped calm me down. I was still afraid to sleep. My dreams are vivid. So we put on the TV to help guide my dreams to something other than zombies.
The next morning, the fear was only slightly better. I kept glancing around and feeling exposed. I kept thinking about how many windows we have. And how broad the sliding door and front window are, and so how hard they would be to board up to keep zombies out.
It wasn’t any better the next day, so I saw my medication management doctor. He’s a psychiatrist, and he explained this was a result of the miscarriage(s).
When coping with loss, he said, we feel weak and vulnerable. After two miscarriages, I likely felt that my body was weak, which meant I was vulnerable. As a result, my brain was projecting that fear and loss into something more tangible.
Apparently, it could easily have been a car crash or a burglary, if I’d seen those around. My brain would have latched on something. And at least I can still get in a car, I suppose.
The problem is that I didn’t feel safe anywhere. No matter where I was in the house, I kept thinking of potential escape routes — and then how I’d have no weapons in the rooms I’d be running to. (Because, in a zombie attack, running outside is not ideal, you see.)
I felt, well, vulnerable and weak.
It was getting better (slowly) until I took a walk up to Home Depot. I felt exposed and in danger the whole trip. There were no places to hide, no blunt objects around, nothing. The closest thing to an escape was scaling a wall, which I’m not strong enough to do. Never have been.
And don’t ask me why I didn’t just turn back when I was so obviously scared. Sometimes I’m just not that bright. I thought I needed drawer pulls, and that was apparently more important than feeling even remotely safe. Brilliant.
That caused the fear to be MUCH worse for a couple of days.
Tim and my therapist both suggested that, rather than argue with an irrational fear, I find ways to make myself feel safe.
First on that list, obviously, no more walks for a bit. Tim also put a samurai sword in the bedroom. Probably silly, but it does help.
Since I was obsessed with my inability to scale walls, I decided to start working on my upper body strength. Small stuff so far, but I am getting a little stronger. And I just bought a pair of 5-pound dumbbells (compared to my 2-pounders) which should help.
I can’t guarantee that I’ll keep up the exercise, but I do know that at least TRYING to get stronger has eased the fear a bit.
Of course, it also just takes time and facing my depression/vulnerability/grief. I’m great at building emotional walls without even realizing it, so that’s an ongoing process.
I still peer around from time to time. I still look around the room for zombie-fighting weapons. But it’s slowly getting better.
This is embarrassing, but so are most symptoms of severe depression. So… why not talk about it, right?
Certainly can see why one could be embarrassed but this particular reader doesn't find having picked up an irrational fear of zombies as embarrassing thing.
i pick up and put down irrational fears all the time –as well as keeping a few around permanently like flying–and yeah, i keep my eye on the possible, but highly improbable, zombie outbreak. Your therapist may disagree with me, but i find absorption to be my quickest way out…combined with my natural laziness. I dive right in to the subject and treat it as a "okay, what if…" kinda like you have with the upper body and sword. Eventually I get tired of planning all the preps, laziness takes hold ("that's a LOT of prep…"), and i find myself much more able to "let go and let god." Although physical fitness and strength is the best starting prep point for most any apocalyptic scenario.
Humoring with humor also helps; might I recommend: The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead? http://www.amazon.com/The-Zombie-Survival-Guide-P…
And if you really want a comparable, go take a walk in zombie apocalypse land on Youtube, and see how far Zombie crazy really can go; it makes ones own fear seem much more manageable. All with love 😉
Irrational fear is just that, irrational. Sometimes it appears convention if the apparent source seems justifiable, but the fear is still at an irrational level. For years I suffered from extreme anxiety. Whenever a car passed me I was convinced I was going to be the victim of a drive by shooting. At night I would lay awake, terrified of someone breaking into the house. (I actually feel better since we installed baby gates on our stairs for the kids. We close them at night and it feels like some kind of passive deterrent or burglar alarm.). Those fears may be rational but the level of fear was irrational. It's good that you are finding ways to take steps to alleviate your anxiety and fear. I know from experience that reminding yourself of reality can help, but sometimes you need to take other steps as well.
Abby, be kind to yourself. I'm a regular reader and it seems to me that you've been taking care of everyone and putting yourself last. In addition to the mental and emotional trauma of your two miscarriages, I hope your doctor also brought up the hormonal aspect of what your going through. It is unbelievable the effect medications and hormones can have on our mental well being. I like to think of myself as a normal, stable woman but once, when I was being treated with steroids, I screamed at my poor saintly husband and accused him of having an affair just because he didn't pick up his cell phone when I called him. Another time after an extremely difficult pregnancy, I actually pulled a knife on him as he tried to leave for work because I was afraid of being left alone with the baby. Talk about postpartum depression! Whenever I remember those embarrassing incidents my husband reminds me about how physically ill I was and the role that steroids and hormones played. Thankfully, all that is behind us and for over two decades we've have a peaceful, happy home. You'll get past this, but it is absolutely imperative that your health and well being become your first priority. I'll be praying for you.
Oh, Abby, I wish I could give you a great big hug and a margarita and tell you that eventually you will feel better. Too bad I don't live in Arizona.
You work too hard and worry about too many people besides yourself. Please give yourself a freakin' break! You more than deserve it.
Working on your upper body strength is a good idea. Excercising regularly is good for you, period. And you're continuing to eat healthier, right? Right! ;o)
I don't know whether to laugh or give you a hug! I've been suffering from some bad depression and anxiety lately, so I actually understand (to a much smaller extent) how you're feeling. That's sweet that Tim thought to give you a samurai sword for the bedroom 🙂
I suffered from agoraphobia for many years. I understand irrational fears very well.
Thankfully, I lived through the worst of it and no one that knows me now believes I was ever that bad.
I've thought a few times, I wish I could go back to my darkest hours and give myself a hug and tell myself that I really would be all right.
Hugs and prayers to you.
Take good care of yourself.
I grew up in NYC in a housing project surrounded by people who could potentially have done me harm. Sometimes I still have nightmares about the elevators (these were high-rise buildings) with the lights broken out forcing me to take the stairs exposing myself to other potential dangers. I still have issues with parking garages (I avoid them if at all possible) and any situation that harkens back to my fears at that time. I live in California in a pretty safe neighborhood but a sight or smell can bring me back to that bad time/place. I also have to remind myself of where I am and that I'm not there. We all have our issues. I'm glad your doctor and family is helping you through this difficult time. Good luck to you.
Hormones do some surprising things to your head, even when they don't push you over the edge.
When my son was a baby, I found myself feeling excessively cautious and actually afraid of doing some things that had never bothered me before. Realized it's probably an evolutionary thing: women with helpless infants need to stay alive and reasonably well in order for the infant to survive, so it would make sense for nursing mothers to become more cautious…which can translate to "scared."
A miscarriage has gotta make your hormones run amok. You've had two, one right after another, plus you deal with a lot of stresses from other directions. It's the pits…but maybe not surprising. Hope you feel better soon. And that those darn zombies stay out of the Home Depot! Take care of yourself.
Do not — I repeat, absolutely do not — watch The Walking Dead. We had to watch the second season in big chunks (because we don't have cable, and our local library wanted the DVDs back) — and it scared the liver out of me. (Well, figuratively speaking.) This is one time I was actually grateful for the featurettes; they reminded me that it's just a show, and not reality.
This too will pass, Abby. You've been through a lot lately. You will be ok. Talk to us — I think it may be helping you.