I’ve had an annoying cough that has been lingering for a couple of days. Let me be clear about this: It is a cough, nothing more.
But ya gotta have something funny to tweet, right?
So I made a joke about whether consumption was still a thing. Because then I could be a poet!
After a little response from that, I decided to see what other kinds of hyperbolic diagnoses I could come up with. Natural destination for that: WebMD.
Before I even got to the actual diagnoses, I was given the following choices for “Cough”:
Hey, Internet users: If you’re coughing up blood, get off the computer and into a waiting room!
If anyone ever checks that box, the next screen should just be:
“GO TO A DOCTOR FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOW!”
Further down on the page, they may want to consider adding:
“SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE YOU STILL LOOKING AT THIS SCREEN? FINE, JUST DIE THEN AND MAKE THE GENE POOL THAT MUCH CLEANER.”
For the record, my cough, like myself some days, was not productive. Then I was prompted to refine my symptoms. Page four of four on that topic included
Cough associated with…
If you’ve been exposed to asbestos, do you really need to ask WebMD whether that might be a factor?
I like to think that, in our society, medical knowledge has reached a point where people know that asbestos + coughing = uh oh. More realistically, most of us have probably just seen that stupid mesothelioma ad. The one where litigation lawyers are generously, and with no possible ulterior motive, offering to provide free information about the disease to sufferers. Because everywhere else in this country, you’d be charged, apparently.
Anyway, I checked “None of These” and was taken to some possible conditions. Most of them were pretty rational. Most of them.
The rest included:
- Cystic fibrosis: Yeah, because that’s a sudden onset disease.
- Sickle cell disease: Again, not really something a sufferer would need to look up.
- Exercise-induced asthma: Wait, you worked out hard and now you’re having breathing problems?!
- Smoke exposure: Smoke makes you cough? The things you learn.
- Swallowed object: If you swallow something and start coughing, I think you should be able to figure out the correlation.
- Dust exposure: I’m officially losing faith in humanity.
- Radiation exposure: Yep, if I had been around a bunch of radiation, I’d definitely ask WebMD when I didn’t feel well.
- Plague: Okay, it does still occur. But do we really need to be bringing it up as a possibility from “cough”?
- Ricin poisoning: Yeah, that seems likely. All the listed symptoms could easily be the flu, but let’s be safe and mention a deadly toxin. That seems like the smart thing to do.
I don’t know about you, but I feel better already.
Do you use WebMD? By the way, if any of you have time, go look up a mundane symptom and report back!