It’s amazing which details kill you.
We saw the reproductive specialist on Friday. It was a loooong appointment. We went over many possibilities for the recurrent losses. We were able to rule a number of them out.
But in the process he reviewed a bunch of records. Which is how I found out that the third miscarriage – the one was sent off to check for chromosomal anomalies – was an XY embryo. In other words, it would have been a boy.
I don’t know why, but that rattled me.
I guess, as with the heartbeat this last time, it just brings home that this really was a potential baby. Not an anonymous clump of cells.
Which is how I tend to think about it for sanity’s sake. A clump I’m fond of and hopeful for, but a clump nonetheless. Because anything more and… you randomly tear up thinking about a baby boy you never had.
Anyway, the three of us discussed where to go from here.
The doctor did a quick ultrasound to verify that my uterus isn’t bicornuate, which was alleged by one ultrasound tech.
We saw a teeny bit of a heart shape at the top, but according to the doc it’s probably too slight to cause an issue. And certainly not as early on as I’ve experienced.
We’ll do an x-ray next week to get a better picture. In the meantime, I’m supposed to go get some blood drawn to check for antibodies that can cause the body to attack the fetus.
He is also going to try to get the full details of our chromosomal blood tests. Apparently, they weren’t included in my OB’s records for some reason.
Once we get all those results in, we can assess whether it’s a good idea to try again.
For those of you keeping count, this’d be the sixth time. I think that would almost certainly be the last one. A (literal) half dozen tries seems like enough. Especially after this last one.
Before the fifth time, each loss was hurtful, but I never questioned that we’d keep trying. Then this last time I saw the heartbeat, and I really thought it meant things would be okay.
It hit home even more when I went over to show it to Marc and Nadine. They have a huge computer screen, so I could even make out the little roll of muscle that happens when a heart beats.
When I lose that pregnancy, something inside me just broke. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to try again after that.
And now that I know about the proto-son, I just don’t know how much more I can bear.
So I guess no news yet. We’ll keep you updated.
Vesta says
Sending you {Hugs}
Dawn says
There are no words 🙁
Abigail says
Thanks, Vesta.
Punkin Pye says
Abby, I can't imagine your pain. I will keep praying that this doctor can help you.
Lisa O says
Prayers for answers, peace and healing.
Abigail says
Thank you. I think answers will help a lot. And if we end up not having a kid, healing will be needed.
Kat says
It made me so sad to read this. I feel like I want to say more, but I'm worried that if I'm too wordy that my intentions of making you feel better will make you feel worse. I just truly feel so sad for you. I can't even imagine the heartbreak of one loss, never mind all you have gone through.
auntleesie says
So glad you've found a specialist who can–and will–find some answers for you.
Abigail says
Yeah, that's pretty much where I am now.
Abigail says
Thank you, we can use every bit of help.
Abigail says
Let's hope so. There are plenty of cases where there's just no answer. But at least ruling some things out will help us make a more informed decision.
Abigail says
I appreciate it. Touchy subjects mean people get defensive and sometimes read into things. So yeah, I guess sometimes reticence is safest. But I appreciate your emotional support. My readers' support and condolences actually do help.
Practical Parsimony says
I have a friend who had the seventh pregnancy stick, for lack of a better term. Everyone wanted her to stop trying.
Abigail says
Well, it's not "everyone." Tim's willing to keep trying as long as I am. I just am not sure I can endure more than 6. Like I said, finally seeing a heart beating and then finding out two weeks later that it stopped… it devastated me in a way the other ones didn't.
teinegurl says
Wow ….. intense. Abby whatever happens we're here for you.
Abigail says
Thanks, teinegurl. Your guys' support means more than you know.
Jackie says
I've been where you are (only three miscarriages, but the last was twin boys)…and I know how you feel. I'm sending hugs and keeping you in my prayers. I hope you get some hopeful news soon.
Abigail says
I'm sorry to hear about your loss too. And thanks the hugs and prayers. We can use every bit of help at this point.
Impossible Girl says
Hugs and good thoughts (I'm not a praying person) to you and your hubby. I don't have or want kids so it hurts to see people that do want them and are unable. Put your trust in the doctors, hopefully they can figure out a cause and a solution.
Abigail says
That's okay, we're not religious. But I figure any form of support/good vibes is helpful. Especially in case I'm wrong about the whole higher power thing. Thank you for your good thoughts, and we definitely have our fingers crossed that they come up with something here. Or that the 6th time takes for whatever reason.
Revanche says
(Apparently my computer ate my first comment)
I had no idea they could tell you that at this date, that's .. even more heartbreaking, if that's possible. I really hope the specialist finds a good answer for you guys. All the good thoughts for you.
Abigail says
Well, they wouldn’t have been able to tell during an ultrasound. But they were checking actual chromosomes. And unless I’m sorely mistaken, the fact that it was XY means it would definitely have been a boy. I didn’t have the heart to ask the specialist to be sure. I thought I might start crying if he said yes.
Funny about Money says
Abby. What an ordeal. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. So awed that you have the strength to keep on trying, much more strength of character and will than I would ever be able to muster.
May you have something grand to give thanks for at this time next fall.
Abigail says
Well, you never know how much you have til you're put to the test. Now if only I could skip a test or two…
lifeisfullofsunnydays says
Oh sweetie, my heart aches for you. I pray you find peace with whatever you decide. Sending healing thoughts your way. Keep your head up.
Abigail says
Will do. We really do appreciate all the support we get here.
colormefrugal1 says
I understand the pain you are going through, and I know how difficult this is. We tried for almost five years without success. I am so sorry that this has happened in your life. I know that for my hubby and I, we were reluctant to look into adoption for so long. But we finally did and we now have a beautiful five month old daughter. Our life went from miserable sadness to overwhelming joy in one day on the day she was born. However your story turns out, I will hope for a happy ending for you as well 🙂
Abigail says
I'm so glad you got the child you hoped for.
I'm absolutely fine with adoption/foster care. Except…
I don't think anyone would choose us for adoption. A bipolar person with chronic fatigue and a person with chronic pain and skin problems enough to be on disability… Not good. And we couldn't afford the adoption process anyway, I don't think.
As for foster care, I'm pretty certain that some meds Tim takes would disqualify us from eligibility. Long story. If we decide not to try again — or if the sixth time doesn't work — I guess I'll at least dig around to find out whether that would disqualify us.