Donna Freedman (aka Mom) wrote a very good post recently about why she’s neglecting her Roth. I know her comfort zones, so I agree with her reasoning. Well… all but one thing:
“My fondest wish is not to apply for Social or take any money out of the retirement accounts until I absolutely must. That’s because I want to leave as much as I can to my daughter, who got a late start saving for her own retirement due to disability and other issues.”
Sigh.
It’s true that when it comes to retirement accounts, we’re far behind most personal finance bloggers. We’re still not able to max out even basic IRAs thanks to home repairs, HVAC units and major medical expenses.
But I still don’t want her money.
What she’s giving up
Every leftover dollar in her account will be one she could’ve spent on herself: travel, more frequent massages for her bad back/frozen shoulder, etc.
Obviously, I’m not advocating blowing through all her money now. Especially since we have an agreement that she won’t die for 150 years.
Still, it bothers me that she forgoes things for my sake, even if she doesn’t really mind.
And she doesn’t. She actually enjoys being frugal, and her partner likes to save too. She also finds money in the budget to travel, though not as frequently as she might like. So it’s not that she’s depriving herself completely.
In fact, she’ll tell you that she’s doing fine and that she doesn’t lack for comfort. But this is a woman who was 54 years old before she finally accepted that it really was okay to have a strategic pizza once in awhile.
And it took me years to convince her that her pay from MSN Money meant she could quit her stressful apartment manager job.
So frankly I don’t trust her to recognize just how much she’s giving up. Which is why I don’t like her goal.
Obviously, I’ll accept whatever money she does leave me, since she seems hellbent on it. But I don’t actively want her to leave me money because a) it’s morbid and b) I want her to enjoy the fruits of her labor.
I want her to get to a point where she better prioritizes “living” over “making a living.”
I’d rather she spend money on more fun things. Or that she work even less in order to pursue more passion projects, like her amazing writing course. (Which everyone needs to buy, incidentally. So yeah, get on that, wouldya?)
The age of entitlement
But it’s not just my mom I’m worried about. I’m concerned by the sheer number of people now see an inheritance as a normal part of life.
Once upon a time, it was only the upper class who worried about such things. The non-rich might be able to leave their children a house or business.
Now? Parents fret about saving money for their kids’ college and having something for the will. They can even prioritize those goals over their own retirement.
Uh, no.
I know that parents want to put their children first. It’s admirable. But the airlines have it right (in one thing anyway): Put your own oxygen mask on first.
I understand that there are parents who can leave money without torturing the budget. If that’s the case, well then save away. As long as you take the occasional cruise or something.
And there are parents out there who, from one point of view, actually owe their children: people who abuse, neglect or otherwise emotionally/physically cripple their kids.
Hell, if my dad left me money (and he wouldn’t, even if he had any), I’d snatch it up in a heartbeat. He filled my childhood with dread. Money won’t fix that, but I’d love to see it try.
But wealthy and/or terrible parents are in the minority. Meanwhile, the rest of the population feels pressured to leave their children a safety net. Perhaps they even believe they’re bad parents if they can’t.
Worse, kids can start believing they’re entitled to money. Entitlement rarely ends well, and in the meantime it tends to be fairly snotty.
The idea of dealing with generations of that… Well, it’s not an appealing prospect.
We’ve got (almost) nothing to give
Or hey, maybe this is sour grapes.
Even if we’re able to have a kid, we probably won’t have much to leave the lil’ sucker.
As already mentioned, we’re way behind in saving for retirement. That needs to be our top priority in 2016. Then paying off the mortgage. Then steeling ourselves for home repairs, medical issues and other unexpected expenses. Of which we have many.
So we probably won’t even be able to help out much with college. It sucks, but it comes down to oxygen masks. We can’t help anyone if we can’t breathe — financially or otherwise.
And our adorable tax deduction will be happy there’s a paid-off home to come live in while (s)he deals with huge student loans and a potentially bad job economy.
So I guess we’ll have to do that crazy thing where we just provide an environment of love, support and encouragement. Let that be our legacy.
Goodness knows, it’ll stick around long after any money runs out.
Have any of you inherited money? Do you feel obligated to leave your children money?
Mrs. PoP says
Mr PoP’s mom used to talk about how she planned to never spend any principal in retirement in order to leave an inheritance and we always said, “Don’t deprive yourself on our account!” But now that she’s ~5 months into retirement, she’s embracing the “die broke” philosophy and as long as she doesn’t go so spendthrifty that we’re on the hook for her in her older years (highly unlikely given her personality), we’re pretty happy with her change of heart. So who knows – maybe your mom will have a similar change of heart at a later date?
Mrs. PoP recently posted…He Said She Said – 2015 Berkshire Hathaway Meeting
Abigail says
That’s good to know. Gives me hope!
Lisa O says
I think your Mom is just being the Single Mother she has always been. It is very hard to turn off the button when your kids get older…you still want to make sure they are okay. I too was a Single Mother for 9 years with very little help from the father and even less help now that they are over 21 years old. I believe that your Mother is very happy in her life and if she wants to obtain this as a goal….let her do it! I was left an inheritance after my Father and Mother both passed and I must say…that money is the foundation of my security! Not that money is everything in life but it certainly is needed like the oxygen you breath! I am thankful for the parents I was given and the lessons taught 🙂
Abigail says
I’m sure I’ll appreciate any money she leaves behind. She also has life insurance, though, which will be plenty to let me take a little time off and cope. And to be clear, I am very grateful that she wants so badly to take care of me. I just want to be sure she treats herself well rather than build wealth specifically not to use it.
spiffi says
I don’t have kids or plan to, but my mom passed away a few years ago. She left a bit of money for the 4 kids – and I used some of it as part of my house down payment (and have since paid back what I used, so that my brother can do the same thing when he is ready to buy)
I would FAR RATHER have my mom back, or have had my mom live long enough to spend all of it and leave us nothing!
Abigail says
I think it’s great that you used the money for a house. And that you’re going to provide your brother the same advantage.
As for having your mom back… I can only imagine. And actually I try not to. I’m a little weepy lately, and I’m sure that’d end with me curling up a little ball.
Vicky says
I don’t plan on leaving my family anything. I have been through Hell and back, and my mind drastically changed when I was expected to be there for some, asked for 35K, but when I needed to go to the ER because I was bleeding, NO ONE was there. So, my decision is to leave what I have left to the local food pantry.
Abigail says
I really don’t understand this phenomenon. We’re were incredibly pissed that our friend in Seattle couldn’t get anyone to give him a lift to surgery. Not finding a way to the hospital in an emergency is even worse.
TLC says
I’m in the midst of this mess. My BF’s family (more specifically his Mom & uncle) are fighting over money/property in preparation of his grandma’s passing. Granted, how things are currently divvied up is pretty silly, but I HATE to see people fighting over money before the person has even passed! Sheesh.
Now on my side.. when my Mom died, Dad cashed out her life insurance policy. He used it for debt (& a little of mine). But I never expected anything. I recently helped prepare Grandma’s will. All debt is paid & her funeral arrangements have been made. So she said anything in her bank account & a small life insurance policy is mine. She’s always been very poor & seems very, very proud to have something to leave me. So I’ll graciously accept. And after my Mom died, grandpa asked me to be the executor of his estate. I was more than happy to! Not because of the $ (in fact, none of us knows how much he has), but because when he married my step-grandma she was in a world of financial trouble – after her first husband died, her 2 (financially idiotic adult children) took her for everything. I’m happy to put my foot down & make sure they don’t take advantage of any future situations.
TLC recently posted…Financial update (5.15.15)
Abigail says
Ugh, I can’t imagine squabbling about money — especially when the person is still alive. I’ll graciously accept the money my mom inevitably leaves me. But I’ll also be picturing just how many more trips to England she could have taken.
I think it’s great that you’ll be around to put the kibosh on any greedy kids and grandkids.
Vicky says
I won’t be leaving an inheritance to any family. When I lost my husband in 2010, the only contact that I experienced was being asked to borrow money, and one time it was for 35K. If I do have anything, it’ll go to the local Food pantry in town here.
Abigail says
A charity would probably appreciate it more than family members. Especially the ones you described!
Tina in NJ says
My MIL used to give everyone an envelope at Christmas with cash, saying she wanted us to enjoy part of our inheritance before she died. (She usually forgot the envelopes in the bustle of the holiday, so we got a little extra gift a few days later!) Between her stock accounts and the house, she (and FIL) left the kids quite a nice cushion. When Dad died, Mom gave each of us kids a few thousand, which immediately went into my daughter’s adoption fund. (We adopted her, that is.) When Mom departs for the pearly gates in the next decade or so, she’ll probably leave a similar inheritance. Their generation had pensions that our kids will never know. I’d like to leave my kids something, but the education we’re paying for will be their main inheritance, front loaded.
Abigail says
My mom also sends me some money each year to help boost our retirement savings. Though this past year, it went toward the car we needed unexpectedly. She says I shouldn’t lose out on the compound interest. Especially since she’s going to live for another 150 years!
Kat says
I know I inherited my anxiety about money honestly- my mother is pretty much the exact same way. We currently have her living with us- I was very concerned about her living alone. She doesn’t like to admit she needs help, and she tends to downplay circumstances. That isn’t exactly safe for a woman who is over 72 and living alone. With her living here, she pays 25% of the utilities. Anything other than that would be the same cost if she weren’t living here, so we refuse to take money for it.
I had hoped that the reduction in living expenses would mean that she could feel more comfortable relaxing her budget a little. Traveling, enjoying a few of life’s little luxuries, etc. Instead, she simply stopped taking money from her retirement account. Even from the interest. She says that it’s because she doesn’t know how long she will live for, and it may be needed for expenses down the road. The problem with that argument is that any of the major expenses that could crop up would all be covered by various insurance policies. There’s also the fact that she moved all of the accounts to trusts that mean I will face considerably less in taxes if I inherit the funds. She finally owned up to the fact that she wants to leave plenty of money to make sure I’m taken care of, no matter what. I find that touching, but I’m making arrangements for that as best I can- I’d rather she enjoys the money she worked hard for. That includes the retirement accounts, not just SSI.
Abigail says
Yeah, it’d be nice if she weren’t living quite so carefully. At least in your case, given what you’ve explained of your projected future, I do kind of get her worry. Still, you have definitely covered yourself pretty well. And at least living with you means she’s not taking from retirement so… less stress on that front, I guess.
Jayleen @ How Do The Jones Do It says
It’s a tough subject but, I too, would rather my parents enjoy retirement to the fullest extent then to have them leave me so much as a nickel. We save and save for the future and the future is here! Enjoy it!
Jayleen @ How Do The Jones Do It recently posted…A Day in Seattle
Abigail says
Exactly! We’re working hard to get financially comfortable so that I don’t have to be a drain on my mom. She spent a LOT of money on me when I was waiting for disability. She took care of the costs of antidepressants, my full-priced therapy, rent, etc.
Vicki says
My partner’s Dad just left him an unexpectedand welcomed sum of cash. Dad tormented my beloved and to this day as an adult he has the emotional scars to prove it. This is why we said “thanks” and we will be using it wisely for sure, except for the new bass guitar my hubby has already purchased which may be a frivolous spend but life is short and music is soothing and when else are we going to put this as a priority as to where our money goes?
My Dad has no money, lives a humble, frugal life. I do not expect him to take care of me financially any more now than I have in the rest of my life. I feel the same about my kids. I will likely continue to live a humble, frugal life as well and there will not be much cash for them. What there is for them is tonnes of love and encouragement, non-judgement of their choices and emotional support which I personally think my kids deserve more than cash.
Abigail says
I hope that the money helps your hubby in some way. And yes, music is soothing,and creativity can be therapeutic. So think of it as a one-time investment in mental health.
DC @ Young Adult Money says
When my grandmother passed away unexpectedly about four years ago, I received a (very) small inheritance. We used it for our wedding. Problem is that it really tore apart my family because my Uncle had made the will with her behind my Mother’s back, and he ended up with a massive inheritance with her left with about 1/50 of his inheritance. It can really tear a family apart and the manipulation that goes on in the last years of some of the elderly’s life is really unbelievable.
I do think people today “expect” an inheritance. I don’t think people should feel they need to sacrifice in retirement to leave their offspring with something, though. If things are tight financially the last thing they should be thinking about is what they will leave when they’re gone.
DC @ Young Adult Money recently posted…5 Reasons I decided to get my MBA
Abigail says
Exactly. I think most of us would prefer their parents enjoy life and indulge a little.
Sorry to hear about the family rift. I don’t have any siblings, which I suppose makes things easier. That and she keeps her money separate from her partner (and vice versa) since both have kids and want their money to go, shocker, to their blood relations.
Linda says
When my grandmother passed away back when I was in my early twenties I received a small amount of money. It came to me in two distributions, and I think each was around $2,000.
I was glad to have that money so I could set myself up in my first apartment. I also got grandmother’s couch and a small china cabinet/hutch. I still have that hutch because I decided to keep it and ship it across the country during my move.
I also spent the second distribution of money that was left to me. I used it to take a two week trip to Europe with some friends from college and I’m very glad I did it.
It’s very unlikely I’ll inherit money from either of my parents. While I’m sure my father and stepmother have some assets, I have no idea if they have so much that it will outlast them. Even if they did stepmother has 5 children, and at least two of them are still struggling to make ends meet so it’s likely they would get help since I don’t need it as much as them. My mother has no assets and is dependent on my stepfather who is more of a hand-to-mouth type budgeter.
I’ve always thought I’d be grateful if I can get away without supporting either of my parents as their health declines. It’s looking like I’m going to have to start kicking in some money every month for my mother, though, since she’s going to need some care that insurance and stepfather can’t cover.
Since I have no children of my own, I won’t have the worry of leaving them a legacy. I’m saving a lot for my own retirement and care, though.
Linda recently posted…Money talk: loans to family and friends
Abigail says
I’m sure your grandmother was glad you used the money for getting set up in life and for something that was fun and memorable. My grandmother left us all some jewelry. I need to wear them more, but I just don’t dress up often. Also, I’d have to get the ring resized because she was a slender woman and the ring would fit my pinky. Maybe.
I guess my view of inheritance is tens of thousands or more). It’s not how I want to get ahead financially.
Sorry to hear that you’re going to have to (help) take care of at least one parent now.
Revanche says
As I was saying 😉 ….
We neither expect or want an inheritance. But of course I don’t have to worry about that from my side. We’d much rather family take care of themselves with their money rather than trying to save it for us in any way. We aren’t well off but we manage our money carefully enough to save and I don’t want anyone depriving themselves for us.
I know there’s a cultural tendency to over give to the kids during the earlier years and then expect to be taken care of in the later years but we’d much rather not being given money so they can enjoy their hard-earned money.
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Abigail says
Yeah, the reverse attitude (assuming your kids will take care of you in your old age) always weirds me out too.
Heather Johnson says
I think its fortunately too early to “worry” about those things. As you said she will live to 150 as will my parents. Also, I think you can just be grateful she has the money. My grandmother is 87 and just ended up having to replace the beams under her house due to termite damage (long story.. she was doing the right thing, inspections etc) Decided she needed to redo the electrical (um yes.. house built in 1947). $20K in repairs. She is a widow, never worked outside the home and my grandfather worked at the post office. My point.. very smart with their money but no large sums. Your mom will probably need the money and use it. My daddy is thrilled and grateful he can help supervise the repairs and assist with contractors.. but not pay for it. That is a tremendous gift to kids. Prepared parents. Far better than any inheritance..
Abigail says
Yes, since she’ll live to be that old, it’ll probably be a moot point. Though I could see her in her 80s still plinking away at a keyboard just cuz.
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
What money I do have in retirement I’m leaving for my step nephews, and they obviously aren’t related to me. But they are good boys with good heads on their shoulders. I won’t leave my brother anything. He wouldn’t appreciate and it and he would probably blow right through it. I don’t know what my parent have planned for me, but it’s not something I ask. If and when that time comes (and I dread it) then we’ll see, but I don’t “expect” anything. I think that is very sweet of your mom, but I’m kind of like you in that I would hope she would make sure she enjoys life to the fullest!
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Abigail says
I think that’s a good plan overall. And kudos for not getting guilted into leaving money to someone you know won’t appreciate it. Hopefully, your step-nephews prove to be better with money than your brother.
Tony @ Inequality Today says
I don’t feel like I should leave my kids money, however I think I should leave them “skills”. My parents taught me a lot, like how to build a house, how to handle my finances, etc. If you leave your kids money they can easily blow it. But if you teach your kids skills they will never go hungry. Teach a man to fish, not give him one.
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Abigail says
Skills are probably the best thing you can leave any relatives. Simple frugality is a pretty huge skill, let alone home repair or even building.
Donna Freedman says
Re “expecting” an inheritance, here’s something from Liz Weston that proves your point and worsens it:
http://asklizweston.com/dont-tap-retirement-funds…
This person not only expected $300k that never materialized, s/he “allowed” the kids to take out huge student loans with an eye toward repaying them from the money. The money that hadn’t been given yet. The money that WON’T be given, ever.
Bonus: The letter-writer just got “downsized” at 50-something years of age and is thinking about pulling retirement money out at age 58 and 1/2 — in order to pay off some of the kids’ loans, or “to use home equity” (!) to do so.
I’m feeling more savvy all the time.
Off to spend some of YOUR inheritance. 😉
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