If there’s one fun thing about infertility,* it’s that you end up having to schedule your life around it.
To be clear, I’m not talking about appointments with the reproductive endocrinologist or even missed days after miscarriages. I’m talking about actual timing issues.
See, the fetal development has routinely stopped in the five- to seven-week mark. So when our first needle-jabby experience didn’t take in July, I realized we shouldn’t try again in August.
If things didn’t go well, I’d either find out a couple of weeks before FinCon or potentially miscarry during the conference itself. One way or another, not really viable — if you’ll pardon the unfortunate pun.
And it looks like scheduling is going to be an issue once again.
I was still recuperating from FinCon in September, so we decided to put it off until October. At worst, it would have put the bad news around Thanksgiving, which isn’t a big holiday for us.
Unfortunately, that plan went awry. I need to see the doctor in a very small window of time. Due to nurse oversight, I didn’t get called back in time for an appointment this past week.**
The next opportunity will be in late November, which puts the danger zone (cue Archer screech) right around Tim’s birthday/Christmas. Uh, no. It was bad enough when I miscarried on our anniversary, two days before Mother’s Day.
I know some of you will say that I need to have a more positive attitude*** and not plan for failure.
But I actually see this as part of that effort. If I get this all set up now, I can be as positive as possible during the actual pregnancy. I won’t be fretting about poor timing, ruined holidays and so on.
In the end, it comes down to one simple fact: I may not be able to protect my future self from the potential for the emotional and physical pain of a miscarriage — but I can try to make her schedule more convenient during the tragedy.
Has anyone else who experienced infertility develop this sort of sardonic realism? Do any of the rest of you worry about tragic events in and around the holiday season?
*There’s not
**Not that I was on the ball about calling them back to push for an appointment. I’m not sure if I was busy or just have a mental block. Time will tell. Besides, it’s still the nurse’s job to get back to patients in a timely manner.
***Though I doubt a zygote much cares about my outlook.
My family is already known for our ability to channel dark humor in rough circumstances. My infertility magnified this like my Clomid magnified my rage… It the end everything was too much. We ended up stopping trying, thankfully my therapist appreciated my gallows humor.
Ya gotta laugh or you’ll cry (more), right? So sorry to hear things didn’t work out for you. Like I’ve said, this’ll be the last go-round for us as well. If it’s unsuccessful, we’ll decide whether to foster or just focus on each other.
“Sardonic Realism” is the name of my next rock band.
Prayers ascending.
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Sorry you are going through this! Sounds like a pain =(
Holly@ClubThrifty recently posted…Italy on Credit Card Rewards: Part One
Physically and emotionally to boot. But I always appreciate your guys’ support.
Miscarriage is so hard. We did not go through fertility treatments, but we went through 3 miscarriages and had given up when Little Bit came along. It can be really hard to not be pessimistic, and whatever helps you get through the tough times is appropriate. Waiting until after the holidays is over makes perfect sense to me.
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I’m glad it worked out for you. We decided to go middle of the road inre: fertility treatments. Even without Tim’s teeth stuff, we couldn’t justify the cost of in vitro. But we’ll try a couple of rounds of releasing 2-3 eggs. If/when the pregnancy takes, we’ll hope that we got a good one and a viable pregnancy.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I do worry about tragic events happening around the holidays. The reality is that holidays are just like any other time of the year, and tragedies do happen. It’s so much tougher to deal with around that time, though.
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Yeah, in the end there’s only so much we can do to prevent loss and other tragedies around those times. Or even in general. We’ll just have to muddle through.
I empathize with your outlook for sure. After my first miscarriage I never looked at pregnancy the same again, and I’ve heard this from others who experienced this trouble, too. I really did expect all subsequent pregnancies to end badly–even after having a healthy baby. I think the fact that you’re still trying means you’ve ultimately got a hopeful outlook, and you’ve got lots of us hoping for you, too.
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Yep, you guys have been an amazing support network. I’ll definitely focus on positivity once the actual pregnancy stuff is underway. For now, I’ll just remain guarded and tired.
What’s tough is that your grief won’t be just one miscarried child or even two. It will be six, and countless rounds of pregnancies that never started. I think it’s right to be prepared for sort of long and perhaps recurring grief.
Personally, I think it’s perfectly valid to let yourself sort of stoke up some resilience which would be helpful both with a viable pregnancy or with another miscarriage.
I don’t mean to say this to be the most depressing person in the world; just to say that infertility is hard and grief is the right response.
I didn’t take it as depressing all, just supported. And you’re right, when all is said and done (assuming it doesn’t work out) it’ll be a cumulative grief for not just the children we didn’t have but also the idea we had of a child in our lives.
I can’t say I’ve experienced that exactly and I’m sorry that you are experiencing such pain.
My brother was murdered the day before my mom’s birthday and his birthday falls on Mother’s day or the that weekend ever so often. Since he was murdered, my mother’s birthday has never been a big deal. No matter what I give her she is never really happy. I understand why so it doesn’t really bother me.
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Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a friend whose mom committed suicide on his birthday, so he ignores it and asks people not to wish him a happy birthday. Hard to argue with that.
I think your attitude is a good one with your disappointments you have had. I wonder if you are putting it off because you know that this is the last attempt. I wish you all the best in your next go around.
Yeah, there probably is some reluctance there. Also, I’ve just been focused on other stuff, like getting set up on Pinterest. (Whee.) Anyway, guarded optimism is the name of the game for us, I think.
Yes, absolutely. I think this is a normal response, trying to protect yourself from the pain by assuming it will happen. People always say, “never give up hope!” but honestly, in the end, giving up hope was the only thing that kept me sane(ish). And yes, the timing is always terrible. It’s just too fast a turn around from grief back to positive attitude but stay relaxed! We all know how important it is to just relax!
I am usually a worst case scenario person. I just think that way. At some point, I had to move on from that strategy bc I realized that expecting the pain didn’t make it suck any less.
It’s really good that you have an end date to this. It is so easy to get caught up and stop thinking beyond the next 28 days and then next thing you know, five years have passed.
As it is, several years have passed in this case too. Eesh. Anyway, I like to think of myself as an optimistic pessimist. I try to plan for the worst and hope for the best.
I was told I couldn’t have kids. Which led to me having kids. If you can read between the lines there. It’s a long complicated story, and I was very lucky.
While I’ll never be able to fully empathize with the pain of a miscarriage, I am truly sorry you are going through this. I really hope it works this time, and I don’t think it’s macabre at all to plan like this. And I think it’s important to have voices out there saying things like this. There’s some weird Hallmark syndrome around the baby making and baby having process, and for those who have a different experience, it’s easy to feel like you’re all alone, which makes it even more depressing. Thanks for being brave enough to be one of those voices. Let me know if you ever want to talk… Might not have completely been there myself, but I have ears that like to listen.
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Augh. Thank God I’ve never had to go through what you’ve been through. But if you’d like to send a few of the “power of positive thinking” types across the freeway, I’ll surely be happy to throttle them for you.
I’m not at all sure that this is what you’d call a self-defensive mechanism so much as just common sense.
Short-term common sense: Over the holidays (or any important psychological landmark for you), you don’t need to be coping with the worry and stress if the pregnancy succeeds. If things go great for 9 months, you’re going to spend 9 months worrying.
Long-term common sense: Over the rest of your lifetime, you should not have to look back on what should be a happy time and remember yet another heartbreak. No. Forget that.
IMHO, you’re making a series of wise decisions informed by experience.
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Haha, we’re not even across the freeway, so send ’em on over!
I would worry about tragic events around special holidays and celebrations too. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.
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Thanks, readers’ support really does mean a lot.
When I was a kid, we had a string of bad news (cancer diagnoses mostly) and deaths in the family at Thanksgiving. Since my dad’s birthday always falls on that weekend, and he was the recipient of one of those cancer diagnoses when I was 15, I’d say there is definitely added angst… I think you are having a completely valid reaction to past experiences.
sending good thoughts your way for the next round!
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Oof, I’m so sorry to hear that. Seems like we all start to dread holidays (for reasons other than shopping). Thanks for your perspective!
I think you’re being realistic. I just think it’s a realism that most people shy away from – whether or not they can relate to your pain. Your honesty sets you apart, so keep it coming. I know people for whom Christmas, for instance, is always a bit sad because December 25 is the anniversary of the death of a loved one. If you can have any control over when misfortune will strike (and of course, that control is limited), I don’t see why you shouldn’t exert it. Wishing and praying for the best of good fortune for you.
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Makes perfect sense. The loss of loved ones fell just about on my birthday and other important personal dates and I can’t ever look forward to them anymore without sadness.
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🙁
I think it’s a true show of hope, faith, and courage that you are trying again. I miscarried my second child at 5 1/2 months and was too afraid to ever try again. Your story is inspiring. Best wishes Abigail. 🙂
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Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. If I lost a baby that far along, I’m not sure I’d have the heart to try again either. Just hearing a heartbeat — and then none — was devastating.
Sorry you have to deal with all this.
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Thanks. It’s not something we’d choose, obviously, but I guess you just make the best out of what you’ve got.