Before you ask, this post isn’t me wringing my hands over some new expense or blow to income. Though there are certainly plenty of those.
Reading Budget and the Beach’s piece about money and happiness made me realize that I don’t think enough about happiness in the here and now. I need to stop and really examine whether I’ll ever feel safe financially.
So far, I don’t like the answer.
Protected by bank accounts
Logically, having a healthy emergency fund and savings account would go a long way toward giving me financial peace of mind. It would, at least theoretically, be insulation against the financial vagaries of life.
There’s some evidence that this would be enough. When we had the car accident, I was calm. In fact, I was calming Tim down, which was a surreal role reversal.
As I pointed out to him, we had more than enough in the car fund to cover our $500 deductible. There was no need to worry. At least, not until our new insurance premiums hit.
It’s always somethin’
On the other hand, you have to have healthy bank accounts. And it feels like we’ll never get the chance to build ours up.
In fact, I wrote a whole post about how I’ll never feel safe financially because we’re always encountering some new hindrance: home repairs, the need for a new car, medical expenses, etc.
We were making amazing progress toward the $25,000 goal for Tim’s dental implants. I could see the finish line. I envisioned taking the money we were chunking down into savings and diverting (most of) it into a SEP IRA.
But then Tim’s disability was reviewed and denied. So now we have to focus on the “missing” $766 instead.
And as we get older, the things we’ve fixed around the house will need fixing/replacing again. We’ll also probably have to contend with health problems that worsen and/or multiply.
Every time our finances threaten to break the threshold of the water, something drags us back down.
Everyone has a “somethin'”
Then again, a lot of people get dealt financial blows. Arguably, most of them have two incomes (or at least the ability to have two). Most of them also don’t have a ton of health-related expenses. Let alone things like $8,000 of uncovered, non-tax deductible, alternative therapies for health conditions.
But… We’re not the only sick people in the world. There are plenty of folks with chronic conditions who thrive financially (though usually two incomes are once again involved).
And even healthy people can have the occasional large and unexpected medical bill. At some point, most people will find themselves unexpectedly needing a new vehicle.
In other words, we’re not struggling with utterly unique obstacles. Other people contend with these too, but they manage to stay positive in both bank balance and attitude.
So part of this must be linked to my outlook.
What if it all went right?
So how much would my feelings change if we encountered positive progress?
What if Tim’s review had been approved? What if we were now socking away an extra $500-600 a month into a retirement account? Would I feel safe then?
Unfortunately, I doubt it.
I’d still fret about a healthy split between retirement and savings. Even once we had a healthy savings account — even if we were fully funding a SEP — then I’d be focused on paying off the mortgage early. Then about saving for a rental property. Then paying off that mortgage. Ad infinitum.
Not to mention the near-impossible task of balancing all those worries while still enjoying the present.
Positive vs negative savings
Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit. Maybe I can’t feel safe, even amid great progress, because we’ve only ever dealt with negative saving: medical debt, student loans, dental implants, etc.
Perhaps saving for positive goals — retirement, early mortgage payofft and rental property — would give me peace of mind. Maybe I’d feel more secure once we were shaping a good future.
But I just don’t see it.
I fear that I’m stuck with early onset bag lady syndrome. I’m betting that I’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Paranoid or pragmatic?
Of course, some would say that I’m being more realistic than reactionary. Two people with chronic health problems, both generating a large number of medical expenses and convenience taxes… That’s a lot of potential financial trouble.
Especially, like I said before, as we get older. Then again, one of the benefits of chronic illness is that you’re used to juggling health problems (and their related bills).
So maybe being on constant alert is simply pragmatic. But it seems awfully exhausting. And I think we can all agree that I’m already exhausted enough.
Live in the present, plan for the future
It’s not just about exhaustion, though. It’s about missing out on life because I’m too busy planning for it. It’s no way to live — as Tim is happy to remind me.
And when we come to comprises (even $20 ones) I’m usually glad that I budged.
So I need to get better about letting it go, without letting it all get away from me.
I guess it’s going to be about practicing gratitude and focusing on the positive. While still keeping an eye on spending and looking for ways to trim the budget.
Yep, piece of cake.
Are you fearful about your future, or do you find peace of mind in the progress you’re making? Am I being paranoid or practical?
Definitely fearful. So much of my last few years have been driven by an underlying fear. Not a good feeling, tbh.
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It rarely is. And given the financial obstacles you’ve been dealing with, I really can’t blame you for being fearful.
I’d LIKE to say yes, you will. And part of my personal experience says that you must, you will, someday, it just takes some time.
But the other part reminds me that it took 15 years and, of that, half a decade of dual incomes, before I mostly stopped having those daymares about whether this or that would wipe us out. I still have recurring dreams about the day of crippledom finally happening, though and having to figure out how to live the rest of my life / our lives on just our savings and maybe some disability if I could even qualify. It took Mom 6 years to be approved, if I recall correctly, and I don’t know what they would have done if I hadn’t been there to fill the gap while she waited.
Still. Time and working away at it has to get you closer to the feeling of security. It must!
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“Daymares” is a perfect description! And most cases “only” take 2 years, especially if you have a lawyer. But yeah, in the meantime you’ll get little to no help from the state since you have a working spouse.
I’m glad you finally have a semblance of security, especially considering your paying for other family members. If you can manage it, I really ought to find a way.
I think it is good to feel a little financially insecure – as this is what keeps you making good decisions and continuing to save for all that stuff that pops up. It is when that fear consumes you to the point that you become an angry bitter, miser, that it becomes a problem. It’s all about finding a balance.
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Good point. I guess I’m just worried about shrinking into fear-based living, which isn’t far off from angry/bitter/miser status.
I think it is helpful to be a bit skeptical. There are people that worked six figure jobs before the Great Recession, lost them and were living on food stamps. I’m pretty sure that it would have been helpful for them to be a bit skeptical and have a nice emergency fund.
I think being skeptical a little, is kind of a positive thing. You know things will happen, so you save, because when they happen and they will, you’ll have something in the bank to help you. You’re positive it’s going to rain so you grab an umbrella.
Don’t give up and live to fight another day. BTW, can you appeal the denial?
Yep, healthy skepticism is probably good. And yes, we’re in the middle of an appeal. We’ll have an informal meeting in front of a hearing officer… at some point? The notice was sent around 9 months ago. Then will come a hearing in front of a judge. Then there’s one or two other steps if we still haven’t won. So we’ll probably win, just close to 2 years from now.
I feel pretty secure most of the time, but when I start to think about it – I can really work myself into a panic. Each year, my teaching contract has to be re-upped. Twice, I’ve been hired back only to be RIFed due to budget cuts. So that was really unnerving.
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Yeah, I imagine renewal time is terrifying. Hopefully, you have a more stable situation now? That should keep you feeling safe(r).
Oh… So SO fearful. Then again, I’ve been told that’s true of anyone looking at the financial impact of pregnancy and parenting. Add chronic illness on top of that, and I am very grateful I have an amazing therapist (because otherwise, I’d probably be hiding under the bed). Part of the work I do with that therapist is reminding myself that I have thought through the worst care scenarios already, and that I’ve done my best to categorize what is most likely to happen. It’s just harder to remember the rational evaluations when you’re in the thick of it.
Paranoid vs practical is a really fine line when you’re combining chronic problems with finance. There’s no easy way to really distinguish when the advice can so often veer into paranoid territory (checking your bank account regularly- good, checking before and after every purchase-… Little extreme). The best solution I’ve ever found (and, by the way, this is no means perfect) is to sit down and plan how you’ll handle budgeting as well as your budget. Setting down a schedule of how often you check your bank account, how much time a day you are willing to spend (and if it’s daily, keeping it under 30 minutes), scheduling your bill or budget day… And having firm ‘walk away’ limits. By having that structure, I’m not falling into my anxiety brain as easily. I can keep track of how well I follow it, what does and doesn’t work for me, and I can reevaluate how I handle it. By forcing myself to walk away, I stop that self defeating spiral, and I’ve actually been able to come at the problem with a fresh perspective the next day. This has let me recognize things I had missed before. Am I perfect at using this system? … Not a chance. It has, however, stopped the 4 am panic attacks about the bills.
I’ll join you under the bed and bring popcorn. Any actual pregnancy cravings will have to be handled by the dad, though. I imagine people with chronic illnesses fret even more than average during pregnancy.
And yep, I try not to check the accounts more than twice a week unless we’re verifying that there’s enough money in there for a larger expense. Otherwise, I just keep freaking out about all the little dribs and drabs.
Good post! I am like you – never feel secure financially. And there is always “a something”. In our case one chronic illness and one income because of it. I’ve been trying to budge on the small things, and on the surface it helps, but deep down it just adds to my feeling of insecurity and doom. And every time something goes right, another expense just pops up to replace it (or make things even harder). I have my bi-monthly budget at my desk and find myself constantly pulling it out and looking at it….like maybe if I look at it often and long enough something will change! Not mentally healthy. It would probably do me a world of good if I could just give myself a break from being in charge of it all, once in awhile.
Ha, I rework/check the budget multiple times. Usually *before* the check actually comes. Then an actual, realistic one once all the number are in. And yeah, I know how hard it can be to enjoy yourself but have this nagging suspicion that this leads to a depleted savings account.
You might never feel secure, but your worst-case scenario gets less and less bad – look up there, what if you do pay off your house and have a rent house and can’t pay that mortgage? Then you’re back to “just” having your house and trying to find new income. That’s not nearly the same as “what if we can’t make our mortgage and get put out in the street”.
I never feel secure for income – partly that’s inborn pessimism (hey, we pessimists are better at predicting reality than optimists!) and partly it’s just that like anyone else, we could lose our jobs or get sick and not be able to work. But I do feel secure that our assets – savings, skills, family, and friends – will continue to be a buffer against homelessness or want.
Excellent point! At this point — barring losing my job — the worst-case scenario really isn’t that bad, I suppose.
It really isn’t! And it gets less bad all the time, because of the work you’ve put in and the progress you’ve made!
I work with really low-income people, and the range of optimism/pessimism is basically the same as among the middle-class people of my usual social circles.
Long time ago, I heard Suze Ormand say that people’s tolerance for risk is pretty set – a person who feels the need to save will save on a small income and a person who doesn’t feel it will spend all of a high income. We all have practical limitations but I think the underlying feeling is pretty much set early in life. That’s why so many of us need mental tricks, like automatic savings or “invisible” long term accounts, to have any financial buffer – and some of us won’t feel really secure no matter what. I know my mom’s idea of “how much savings is enough” kept going up every year until finally her friends were like, hey, just retire. You’re never going to feel ready. My husband is the same – he figured out the dollar figure we’d have to win in the lottery before he’d feel safe retiring early, and it was well more than we’re going to earn, together, in our whole working lives. He’s going to be terrified when we actually do it, no matter how much we save. He was terrified when we had a baby, too (and I wasn’t. Even though, objectively, I was much more at risk – both for my health and because I make *way* less money than he does.) Security is a feeling, not a number.
Excellent point. I’ll take that into consideration the next time I start to feel antsy.
I go back and forth between being okay with our future and being completely freaked out and “ohmygodhowarewegoingtosurvive”. It really depends on what’s going on in our current financial situation that dictates how I feel about the future. I think once my income stabilizes a bit I’ll feel better but right now, I’m waiting for a catastrophe.
I don’t think you’re alone in your waffling back and forth and wondering about the “what ifs” and the worst case scenario. The difference between you and someone else is that you’ve thought it all through, you know what to do (and what not to do), and you’re able to form rational, logical plans.
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Ha, I rarely feel logical. But it’s good to know I at least look it.
I think having kids makes it worse because there’s a helpless little person who depends on you. It raises the stakes utterly.
I hope your new/stabilized income does help you feel a little calmer. But I think most of us waffle between extremes. Or at least the ones who have seen how quickly things can go wrong.
Lucky enough to have been healthy through my working life and to have teamed up with a spouse who values security. Also lucky to have worked for employers who still had defined benefit pensions and health insurance. The piece I think that finally settled me down enough about security was paying off that mortgage. I do wish we had both been able to work a couple of more years and socked more into IRA’s but his stress level and my being downsized stopped that.
Biggest issue for me now is that I feel fairly secure and he does not. He resents having to prioritize the expenses and defer some wants. Kind of takes it personally, like it proves that he is unloved or something. For me that has always been a way of life even before I met him (single parent for many years). For me it is “Oh well, I rather have that, but this is necessary right now-maybe later”.
I do hear you on the alternative medical care. I invest in that as well-Medicare and secondary insurance do not pay-and the amount is usually under our 8% limit.
Yeah, if/when we have no mortgage, the stakes will be lowered. Especially given how small our taxes and insurance are. But that’s not for at least a decade. Maybe more. Probably more.
I’m sorry that he equates getting stuff with validation. I think Tim veers toward that at times. He’s learned a bit more that my saying no doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s worth it. It just means our financial security has to come first. It helps that I can say no a little less these days.
This is a tough question. I think there will always be “something” else that I want that will make me feel more secure, whether it’s an extra $X in the bank or another rental property. What I’m getting at is even if I am wildly successful and make millions I think I will always feel a need to do MORE to better my situation (and then my family’s situation, my kid’s situation, (insert nonprofit’s situation)). There will just always be something more!
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Yeah, I guess that’s true. You’re never done. And sometimes the more you have is just the more you’re afraid of losing. Heck, J. Money just talked about his $40k padding disappearing. Toward good goals, mind you. But sucking out that much money and being that vulnerable… Eesh.
“Are you fearful about your future, or do you find peace of mind in the progress you’re making?”
Somewhat, I’m fearful, yes. I live alone. Today is the 4th anniversary of my hospitalization. What if I collapse with GBS again? Disability doesn’t pay while you’re in hospital. They also have an asset ceiling of $5,000 and earnings ceiling of $200/month. Anything over and above, they take off your cheque(s), so if the day comes when I have to go into a home or pay rent while hospitalized, it ain’t gonna be pretty. Mostly because I don’t have $5,000. 🙂
“Am I being paranoid or practical?”
Both, I think. But paranoid in a practical way. Yes, letting go of things you can’t control is a good idea, IMO but you still have to oversee things, obviously. Sounds to me like you are doing the best job possible with what you have to work with.
Like you said…”I guess it’s going to be about practicing gratitude and focusing on the positive. While still keeping an eye on spending and looking for ways to trim the budget.”
Personally, I think that’s the perfect approach and really, what else can you do at this point?
Re Tim’s being refused disability, if I’m not mistaken, he has the option to reapply or appeal? We are advised to do that here in Canada but I think you can there, too. Yes? Will he?
As for alternative treatments (for anything), absolutely not covered here. Prescriptions for chemicals are, though. Still, the chiropractor who does my kinesiology is worth every scraped-together penny I have. At the end of the day, my health and physical comfort is the most important thing. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. I know you know what I’m talking about Abby.
“I fear that I’m stuck with early onset bag lady syndrome.”
Laughing with you here, not at you. Honest. Never heard it put that way but it’s a hilarious turn of phrase!
Okay, ending this before it turns into a novella. Wishing you and Tim the best!
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Yep, we’re in the middle of the appeal. But the lawyer said it could take 18 months to get a hearing in front of a judge. Which, in a weird way, is a relief. Because that means Tim at least has Medicare for another year and half. Not sure if his benefits will absolutely cease if we lose that hearing, or if we can keep getting them through the next couple of steps.
And maybe part of the problem is that you and I know all too well just how quickly things can go completely, off-the-spectrum bad. Though if it’s any consolation, a recurrence is rare. It’s hard to really feel safe for the first few years, though. Living alone would definitely add a new dimension to that.
I hope you start to feel a little safer inre: a relapse. It may help greatly ease your fear.
You are absolutely right – we all have something. That’s one of my struggles as well. We’re a DINK household in our 30s and 40s and I, too, am always fretting about finances and the future. Since we reached our minimum balance in our e-fund last year we’ve had the following things go wrong: pet expenses, pipe leak, roof leak, A/C went out, had to replace a toilet, washer/dryer went out, months of treatment for my back pain, CAT scan/X-rays for a spot on hubby’s lung (thankfully benign), new tooth crown, tooth extraction, root canal redone, new tires, ER visit for the worst migraine of my life. I’m sure I’m leaving something out. And that all happened in less than a year. Fortunately, we had enough in our e-fund (plus replenishments throughout the year) to cover all this. And I’ve realized that it’s OK for me to be a little neurotic about it because somebody has to be. If I left it up to my husband, this would all have been charged on a credit card. The key is to find a good balance between worrying about the future and enjoying the present. I suspect this will always be a work in progress though so it’s better to just accept it than fight it. 🙂
First of all, I’m glad the spot was benign. Second of all, I’ve definitely had years like that. In fact, 2014 was pretty much that year for us — even if you don’t count the fact that we had to replace our vehicle. It’s maddening and frightening and all sorts of other -ings. Also, it’s a good point that a little neuroticism is healthy. I just need to focus to make sure a little doesn’t turn into a lot.
My thought is that right now, you have all your eggs in two baskets, your income and cash you have saved. That is a pretty risky situation. Your risk isn’t because you’ve been irresponsible, but the actual amount of financial security you have (as measured by incomes sources and cash) is probably about the same as it was when you paid off all that debt.
My guess is that as you grow income from the blog, if Tim wins the appeal, and you can start investing for retirement, you will feel a bit more financially secure because you will have gone from 2 baskets to 5 baskets.
For me, this was pretty clearly the tipping point in making me feel more comfortable quitting my job this spring. When we went from my job+Rob’s job to my job+freelance income+rental income+Rob’s job, I felt like we could cut off any one of those and be fine even if the one is clearly the biggest part of the pie.
That’s definitely my hope. That once we’re able to start contributing to real savings (rather than savings that’s Tim’s teeth fund) and upping retirement… That an ease will settle into my brain. But I’m a worrier, so it’s 50/50 at best.
Part of me thinks that given my recent pay cut and periods of unemployment, I have been doing ok, probably even better than most people who may have had the same experience or even people who are making more than me. I feel as if a lot of people are more financially ahead of me because they make way more money, but I have no idea how much debt they have or how much is being put away in their bank account.
But for the same reason, sometimes I will be fearful. I am fearful that I will never end up getting a job that pays really well and always be working low-salary jobs, no matter how hard I work/try.
That’s pretty scary in general, so I can imagine carrying that fear with you. I think part of mine definitely stems from the fact that we depend entirely on my income — and that for a couple of years our combined income was low, given our expenses at the time. It’s hard to feel safe when you’ve felt as powerless as being on disability or being unemployed for a long time.
For some reason I can never feel totally secure. While I haven’t been dealt any large financial blow (yet), part of me feels like one is always looming — particularly when it comes to health. My sister inherited most of the health issues and some how I’ve avoided them all (including needing glasses), which has left me feeling that a massive health crisis is going to wallop me at any given time. Therefore, I’m always terrified to take the leap to self-employment because I don’t want to leave behind great company insurance. It’s self-indulgent to say and comes from such a place of privilege (financially and health wise), but it’s how I feel.
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I don’t think it’s self-indulgent. I think it’s smart! Most people don’t realize just what good insurance (or even just not individual insurance) does for them. That said, it’s kind of funny that you take a lack of health problems to portend a massive one. Then again, I was completely healthy at age 19 when I got hit. So maybe you’re just being pragmatic. Hopefully, though, not prescient.
I feel like a bit of insecurity might be good. I mean, we have a healthy savings account, manageable bills and no debt besides our mortgage but I still have those moments of “What if.” It’s a little scary but I realize it makes me more careful with our money. Yes, we could blow everything on a crazy vacation or a new car but then not to have that cushion would be terrifying. It reigns us both in a little and I think both of us by nature are probably not as frugal as we could be.
Not wanting to feel insecure financially helps us to manage our money more responsibly. Does this makes sense? Like both of us know what it’s like to be broke so we so everything we can to avoid that.
That’s true. A little bit of fear can keep you on the straight and narrow. I think it’s more about a kind of paralyzing fear and/or hopelessness I sometimes feel. But we’re working on it.
Abigail, you certainly have a lot on your plate and kudos to you for hanging on despite all these obstacles. The world is full of people with worries and troubles similar to ours and what makes the difference is our levels of resilience, which you seem to have a high amount of. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. And enjoy the swim, as well as you can…
Well, the swim isn’t exactly leisurely. But I’ll do my best to enjoy it!
I could easily let myself worry. It’s not like all will go right in my world either. In fact, it’s very unlikely I’ll make it out alive without facing obstacles along the way, but I’ve become a learned optimist because worrying in general is such a waste of time and energy, especially if you’re doing all you can to do things “right.” Like save. I’d worry more if you weren’t doing anything at all.
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I like to think of myself as an optimistic pessimist. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Anyway, thanks for inspiring this piece!
Sometimes I wonder if I could have hung in there with my marriage and not pursue a divorce. We were DINKs with high incomes, so I was financially secure, even if I was miserable in other ways.
There are plenty of two-income households struggling, so being in a DINK relationship is no guarantee of a secure life. But to get ahead and thrive without two incomes seems nearly impossible these days. Nearly. It’s still possible if one is careful, diligent, and focused. Lucky breaks (such as good health) help a lot, too.
I’m doing my best to take care of my future through loading up my retirement funds and getting long-term care insurance, but if I had a live-in partner with a steady income, I’d be able to make better progress.
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I hope your health continues to improve! You deserve a respite.
And in the end, money’s no good if you’re miserable. Speaking from experience, I can say that mental health is first and foremost. (Well, after shelter and food.)
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with worrying about the worst case scenario playing out. It’s better to be prepared than having no idea that things could go wrong someday.
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True. I think maybe it’s about finding balance. So you don’t freak out every day. Or every other day. Maybe just every other week?
I would definitely feel more secure if we had 2 steady incomes, but I’ve sort of overcome my bag lady syndrome by telling myself over and over that there’s nothing I can do about possible worst case scenarios except to save as much as possible on our income, which we’re already doing.
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Yeah, about 90% of the time “We’re doing everything we can” will calm me down. But once in a while I get very jumpy.
I think reading too many finance blogs can also make you think about money more often, at least it does for me. That’s a good and bad thing!
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I think you’re right. There’s comparison to others and just reading/thinking about finances all the time.
“I need to get better about letting it go, without letting it all get away from me.” I think that many of us could say that. I certainly could, though I deal with a different and not-so-harsh set of obstacles. I think there can be a lack of empathy to circumstances in the culture of cracker-jack personal finances. I’m glad you’re putting your realities out there, Abigail. And I hope you find peace even if financial security remains a tough destination to reach.
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Yeah, I think peace is going to have to be the ultimate goal. Peace with the fact that I’ll probably never feel completely secure.
I’ve already commented so many times before about my precarious financial situation, so I’m not getting into it this time. Be grateful.
Am I fearful? Yes. Are you being practical? Yes. Keep on doing what you’ve been doing. I think you’ve been doing a phenomenal job. You are an inspiration to me. Yeah, I know you don’t like that, sorry, that’s just the way it is. ;o)
Haha, well I guess I’ll make an exception for you. Good to know I’m being practical (mostly). Now to tighten my death grip from my wallet…
Abby, you are not being paranoid. You are being realistic. When I was a kid, I saw myself as an adult who was simply living my life. I thought that as long as I made prudent, wise decisions, I would never have to worry about money. Then I was hit with disabling illness at 15. I never expected that.
I understand your precarious situation. I understand that if you were healthy and had a million dollars in the bank, you would probably be a little more at peace. However, one of the lessons I have learned at the age of 57 is that there is no such thing as financial security…none.
I had to redo this post because it was getting way too long. it was getting too long because I was recounting all of the affluent and down right wealthy people I know who are now either desperately trying to make ends meet or are completely dependent on government assistance through no fault of their own. When I was young, I had no idea that life was like this. My godchildren’s family were extremely wealthy factory owners in Jamaica. A drug cartel targeted them when they refused to smuggle drugs in their clothing shipments to the US. They had to leave behind all their assets and wealth and flee to the US. They barely escaped with their lives.
Financial security is an illusion. Yet, we spend most of our lives chasing that illusion. I am lucky. I have my faith to stand on. Abby, you are a financial badass. You are competent and resourceful. Keep making good decisions and taking care of yourself, but don’t let fear and worry rob you of your life. Remember, if you are a woman living in America in the 21st century, you’ve won the history lottery.
Financial badass, eh? I like it! You’re right that I probably won’t ever feel financially secure. I suppose I should just make my peace with it.