Well, Mom has come and gone — but not before getting through Jessica Jones, Daredevil and a fair amount of Archer‘s sixth season. Of course, we also managed to eat copious amounts of junk food because we’re multitaskers like that.*
Cleaning (our) house
But in between all that entertainment, she cleaned. We came home from an appointment to find Mom running the Roomba in the living room. During the her visit, she also folded a load of laundry, put away dishes, took the trash out back, dumped our indoor recycling bin in into the one out front, and wiped down the bathroom counter and sink.
When I thanked her on the last day, she said, “Oh, well I didn’t do much. I meant to do more.” I told her if it bothered her that much, she could always do the litter box for me, since there’s a tiny chance I’m already pregnant. Ten minutes later, she was scooping away.
What’s incredible about this — other than the utter mom-ness of half-apologizing for not cleaning more of our house — is that I didn’t feel bad. Grateful, yes. Guilty, no.
It marks how far I’ve come. I used to feel bad that there were things that even needed cleaning.
Relative attitudes
I came by the guilt honestly. The couple of times that my grandmother visited us in Anchorage, she’d clean. I remember my mom struggling with a mix of embarrassment, guilt and resentment:
- Embarrassment that our place wasn’t nicer (we lived in a very cluttered trailer)
- Guilt that her mom was cleaning rather than visiting with us
- Resentment at the implication that she hadn’t cleaned well enough
So that’s the mindset I grew up with: Don’t let people do things for you. Needing (or even accepting) help is a sign of… I dunno, I guess weakness? At any rate, it was something to be ashamed of.
But then I got another viewpoint. My aunt talked about a visit from my grandmother. Granny not only insisted on vacuuming, she actually made them lift up the couch so she could get the stuff under there.
I grimaced, ready to share in her guilt and embarrassment. Then I realized, she didn’t care. As she pointed out, her mom clearly wanted to do it for her. Why argue her way out of a cleaner house?
Love comes in different forms
Letting people help was a revolutionary idea. Being okay with needing/wanting the help… That was Bolshevik-level revolutionary!
Still, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. My grandmother was somewhat obsessed (we’re talking the clinical definition here) with cleaning.
In her mind, cleaning was the ultimate way of taking care of someone. She wouldn’t have understood a denial. Certainly, she seemed puzzled by (if not oblivious to) my mom’s grumblings/protestations.
My aunt understood something that it took Mom and me years to grasp: Those who care about you want to help. Tangible things — errands, cleaning, cooking — are the easiest for them to manage.
Most people don’t really “get” what a relief company can be during a bad depressive spell. They don’t feel like they’re helping. But if they can run to the store for you or do your dishes… That makes them feel like they’re making a difference.
I finally get it
I used to feel sheepish about the things I couldn’t do — especially cleaning. I was grateful when we lived in Seattle and Mom came by with food. She’d gotten it cheap/for free with coupons and sales, but I felt bad that I wasn’t the one hitting the sales. That I wasn’t being as frugal as she was. That I needed so much help (financial and otherwise) when her own situation was so tenuous.
It took me years to remember my aunt’s lesson. I think it was around the time Mom cleaned our two very disgusting toilets that things finally clicked: This made her feel good. Well, not the cleaning. Those toilets were really, really bad.
But she liked doing something tangible to make our lives easier. Cleaning isn’t as big a deal for her as it is for me. To her, it’s a small thing, and she loves how big an impact it has on our lives.
So why take that away from her? It’s a win-win.
I guess the ability to accept help is one more thing to add to the (short) list of the benefits of chronic illnesses.
The new regimen
So nowadays the main “cleaning” that gets done for guests is:
- Change the sheets (we fancy!)
- Wipe down tub (which is more like dusting since we have our own bathroom)
- Take out the bathroom/kitchen trash
If I’m feeling particularly embarrassed/energetic, I’ll wipe down the bathroom counters and sink. But that’s about it. I don’t sweep. I certainly don’t mop. I rarely clean the toilet unless it’s particularly bad.
Sure, when it’s a guest other than my mom, I do feel a little sheepish about the state of the rest of our house. Then I get over it. Tim and I are chronically ill. Any friend or family member who expected us to have an immaculate house (even for visitors) would be a jerk who I wouldn’t want around anyway.
Do you struggle with letting people do things for you, or have you embraced it?
*She also managed to edit the book from start to finish (about 84 pages), and I finished going through all of those yesterday. This weekend, I’ll start editing and organizing it. Then it’s back to Mom for a last look-through. Then me again. Then I can start formatting it as an e-book.
Donna Freedman says
Happy to help! No, seriously, I am. It makes me happy to think of saving you guys the work, especially when you’re working overtime/having bad flare-ups.
Next time I have a *really* big plan: MOPPING.
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Abigail says
Well, you’d have to buy a mop so…
Tonya@Budget and the Beach says
My mom always wants to pay for everything when we do something together, even though I don’t think her money situation is the best (or maybe she knows something I don’t?). No matter how hard I try she insists. I gave up fighting. But yeah, it’s still awkward.
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Abigail says
Yeah, money stuff is touchier. We definitely make more than my mom, since she’s trying to chill out and enjoy life and not freelance all the time, but she just counters that we have a lot more expenses. I just try to sneakily pay here and there. Then again, so does she. Apple, tree, yada yada.
NZ Muse says
Oh, boy. My mother is the best thrift shopper ever and always asking me if I want X Y or Z (or just getting me things). Mostly good stuff but not always 😉 She seems to get a kick out of it and I appreciate most of the time!
More recently she also helped me out with my house – a loan not a gift – but a very generous one nonetheless. I would have preferred not to but she really wanted to, it made her happy and I was able to buy in a better location and a potentially forever house as opposed to a starter. I was very resistant initially but it turned out a win win.
Hurrah for mothers 🙂
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Kalie @ Pretend to Be Poor says
I have a hard time accepting help, too. I believe the lie that I am capable of doing everything, and so it’s a failure or laziness if I don’t. When in reality no one can do it all. Being in situations where I have to face up to this and accept help has brought this to my attention and alleviated some of the guilt. Glad you’re making progress with this, too!
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Abigail says
Oh, I feel ya. I used to believe that only lazy people couldn’t do it all. They just weren’t trying hard enough! Several mini-breakdowns later (and by “several” I mean “innumerable”) I finally realized I might not be perfect and superhuman.
Cynthia says
Sighhh…I miss my mother…
Abigail says
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Cynthia says
Thanks, it’s been a while, but the missing goes on.
Donna Freedman says
I still miss my mom and it’s been almost 13 years. The sorrow comes and goes but it’s easier to deal with now.
Even so: Dammit! She would have LOVED my new life partner! How I wish they could have met.
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Abigail says
Dammit, now I’m thinking about it. I still think of her whenever I small Yardley lavender soap.
Aliyyah @RichAndHappyBlog says
Unfortunately, I don’t have many people in my life who are so open to helping me. Usually I’m the one being asked to help with one situation or another. I am learning to be more generous with my time and money. Hopefully when the time comes that I need help, the universe will recognize the good I’ve put out there and make some help available to me.
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Abigail says
I hope so too! I also hope you’re learning to value your own time/energy/money. It’s good to be there for others, but you want to make sure it’s not at the expense of your own health/sanity/financial security.
Emily @ JohnJaneDoe says
Glad you and your mom had a great time.
My mom helped out so much, especially when Little Bit was born. I know she felt she was just passing it on: her mom had helped her for a week when I was born. I know she treasured the time with her own first and only grandchild and wanted to ensure I recovered from my C-section. I still feel guilty if grateful for all she was doing…cooking, helping us pack (we were moving), taking care of the kiddo while I tried to nap, and making sure I wasn’t in the house by myself while I adjusted to new momdom. Sigh. I miss my mom.
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Abigail says
I’m sorry for your loss too. I’m glad she got to be there for the start of her granddaughter’s life. If we do manage to have a kid, I’m sure my mom will want to fly down for a bit to help. And we’d have to practically push Nadine out the door. So I’m at least sure that we’ll have plenty of help.
Jana @ Jana Says says
I hate asking for help. It makes me feel like I’m less than when I can’t do everything myself. I mean, I don’t mind having my husband help but even with that at time, I get edgy. I think it’s more of a control thing than anything else. Fortunately, my family isn’t big on offering to help with cleaning or anything like that so there’s really no worries.
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Abigail says
Control is a biggie. I’m a reforming control freak. I had a long time where I hated asking for help. So I didn’t. Then I needed to ask for help but rarely did. Now I’m pretty okay with it, as having my 58-year-old mother scooping the cat box proves. Weirdly, it’s a good sign.
Hannah says
My mom was in town last week, and she did the grocery shopping, cleaned the kitchen floor and dusted my office. Not to mention, she gave Kenny her undivided attention even though he was being a bit of a Hellion adjusting to having a new sister. I really don’t think I could have made it through last week without her, and I am so thankful for all her help.
Abigail says
Congrats!!!! I figured the quiet meant the newest addition had actually been added. But yeah, if I make it through a pregnancy, both grandmothers are expected to be in attendance.
Kari says
Do you have a plan for how you’ll get help with a baby (since you both have disabling medical issues?
Abigail says
Well, Tim’s already up and down all night, so that’ll be business as usual. Tim’s parents will be happy/eager/rabid to help with their grandchild. And we’ll be extra exhausted for a while, so we’ll need to automate as many things as possible and load up on provisions before the baby comes. But let’s not put the cart before the horse…
Kristin says
Oh gosh, no matter how clean I think my house is, my mom can still find ways to clean it. She can’t help it and I just accept it. She also likes to stock my fridge and pay for everything. I used to get upset about it, but it makes her feel good so I’ve learned to embrace it 🙂
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Abigail says
Haha, nice. It makes the, feel good, so who are we to turn them down, eh?
Donna Freedman says
From-scratch pumpkin pie, maybe. Or a really thorough mopping. Those are just a couple of potential scenarios.
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Abigail says
Pumpkin pie is always welcome. As is mopping, though I suppose you could just use the Swiffer WetJet… if we got more cloths and cleaning liquid. We’ll worry about it the next time you’re down here.
Funny about Money says
LOL! Aren’t moms grand?
Abigail says
They really are! Hopefully, your son is smart enough to say the same thing!