As I, Tim, my mom and many of you feared/expected, I’ve hit a wall.
I feel like I should make a Black Friday joke (because I’m writing this on Friday), but it’s been going on since Wednesday. And won’t post til Saturday. So never mind, I guess.
Cause and effect
We all knew it was coming. I’ve been having to do more ever since Tim broke his heel in early February. Even after he was walking around freely, his back has been all messed up, which has kept limiting how much he could do — or just walk around.
Throughout this time I’ve had some small dips — a day or two of exhaustion so thick I could barely think/function — but the real thing has officially hit. I’m weary and most things seem far harder than they should.
We don’t even care whether or not we care*
It’s not just exhaustion, though my eyes often feel tired/burn-y (totally a word). No, it’s officially moved on to IDGAF apathy.
On Thursday night, I was completely unhungry (also totally a word) despite having eaten only 400 calories all day. I didn’t want anything specific. I wasn’t experiencing hunger pangs. I didn’t care.
Eventually, I forced some calories because a) it would’ve been unhealthy not to and b) I figured hypoglycemia couldn’t be helping my mood. The calories did bring me back to myself a bit, but I was still pretty flat.
Oh, and there’s this thing where I haven’t showered since Tuesday afternoon. Did I mention I’m writing this on Friday afternoon?
I’m going to shower in a couple of hours, but only because we have to take Pandora to the vet. I’m pretty sure there are cartoon stink lines coming from me, and I don’t think the general public should suffer on my account.
I’m not super sad. I’m not thinking about hurting myself (or anyone else). I’m just trying to get through.
No rest for the weary
I’m lying down as much as possible, but I’m finding it hard to nap. After maybe 45 minutes I finally start to doze, but then I have to get back up not too long after that.
And sleep is part of the problem. I’ve been in the guest room because Tim’s back is so bad. It means I don’t knock into him in my sleep, but it also means he doesn’t wake me up from making pained sounds.
The problem is that the bed isn’t the greatest for my back. And the window gets more sunlight than our bedroom. I think that’s why I’ve been waking up at 6:30 or 7 a.m. when my alarm is set for 8 a.m. Meanwhile, it’s taking me some time to fall asleep.
The med doctor suggested melatonin, which does seem to make me sleepy faster. I still don’t necessarily fall asleep quickly, but it’s better than nothing. And I do seem to be sleeping more deeply the last three days. Just not long enough.
Point is, I’ve been dealing with bad/too little sleep for a while — mostly while there’s been a lot of little things that need to get done: taking out trash/recycling, keeping convenience food in the house**
The plan of attack (or lack thereof)
Honestly, I’m not stressed about it. Which I guess could be a symptom of the depression. Honestly, though, I think it’s a healthy sign.
I have Bipolar II Disorder. My life is about cycles, and I’ve had very few bad dips in recent memory. The ones I did have were caused by specific external forces that I could point to. In other words, the depression flares aren’t out of thin air. There’s always a reason, which is as close to healthy as depression can get.
This flare is no different. Given everything that’s been piled upon me, this bad spell is completely understandable. Frankly, I’m shocked it didn’t happen sooner. So as long as it doesn’t last an abnormal amount of time, I don’t think it’s cause for concern. More cause for “monitor and evaluate later.”
And while I am struggling, I’m able to do enough that we (mainly) get by. And perhaps more importantly, I’m not weeping in frustration when I can’t do more. I guess apathy can be useful
If the apathy stretches too long, then I’ll take some proactive steps; but I’m guessing it’ll dissipate in in a few days. In the meantime, I have an appetite today; so I’m not worried about that front.
Also, I’m trying to sneak in a little exercise here and there. Mainly squats (accompanied by a lot of grumbling) and the occasional five-minute dumbbell workout. But exercise is a natural mood booster (after the complaining/swearing is over, anyway), so hopefully that will help too.
I have a massage tomorrow, which might help me feel a bit better. Beyond that, I think I’ll find a good book or two online and kick back with some Walgreens gummy worms or something.***
How do you deal with your bad spells?
* ’80s and ’90s kids: Bonus points if you get that reference.
** Tim’s stomach is so unpredictable that you never know when he’s going to get sick of whatever food he’s mainly eating at present. And once he is sick of the food, he won’t even want to look at it for months and months. Which means it’s a bad idea to stock up. Which means a lot more trips to the store.
*** If you enjoy gummy worms, never eat the Walgreens brand. They’re far too tasty, and you’ll eat waaaaay more of them than you want.