Budget and the Beach’s recent post about money anxiety got me thinking about my own anxiousness. Because the anxiety has definitely been there, centered around a single fact: I anticipated a lot more money post-divorce than I’m seeing.
I haven’t been able to put any money into the main savings account in the past two months, and next month isn’t looking good either.
I keep thinking, “What if Tim wasn’t really the problem? What if I’m going to spend the same (or almost the same) even without him?” I need to calm that anxiety somehow.
If you’re anything like me, you struggle to deal financial anxiety, so here are some steps that help when it ramps up:
Review your expenses
If you don’t have money left at the end of the month, then this must mean that your expenses are equaling (or, gulp, exceeding) your income. If you can determine where the money is going, you might find ways to decrease expenses, calming your brain.
Go through all of your recurring expenses to see if there is anywhere to trim. You can try lowering your utility bills by turning down the thermostat or taking shorter showers. And what about all of those things on your financial to-do list? Maybe you’ve been meaning to call your Internet provider and negotiate a lower rate. Or perhaps you keep saying that you’re going to cut the cord but haven’t gotten around to it.
Do it now. Taking action will make you feel like you have at least a little control, which is a great remedy for anxiety.
Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do on these fronts. I’m already keeping the place plenty chilly and I don’t take long showers. So there’s really not much I can do about my utilities. I pay less than $5 a month for my home phone through Ooma. I’ve already cut the cord, I already pay only $25 a month for cell service with Ting, and Hulu even dropped its price by $2 a month. Plus I just got a lower price from my Internet provider by signing a one-year contract.
But reviewing my expenses did help. Why? I figured out one of the reasons I expected to see more money: Tim’s alternative therapy. I’m no longer paying $600 a month for it, which means, logically, the money should be going into savings, right?
Unfortunately, no. Because taxes. Now that I’m filing as a single person, they went up by more than $400. That and my increased Roth contribution more than takes care of that $600 I was expecting.
So the review didn’t let me find money — which definitely would have bee calming — but it did let me figure out where some of my expectations lay (and why they weren’t correct). That helped a little.
Review your spending
Has spending been up lately? If anxiety is rearing its head, then the answer is probably yes. I know my anxiety kicks into overdrive as I see money leaving my account and/or the credit card bill climbing. So when anxiety hits, it’s best to take a look at recent spending and see if you can spot any areas to trim.
Now, I know my spending is down (compared to when I was married) because my financial “weeks” are lasting 8-10 days. So overall, my spending is definitely lower. But could I make it stretch farther than that?
Well, I’m not going to start cooking any time soon, so there’s really no savings to be had on the food front, except… I could stop getting something to eat when I go out with my trivia group. It’d be good for my diet as well as my budget. But it’s my weekly treat, and I’m generally spending $13 or less. Besides, I’m hesitant to go back to spending $0 while at trivia. (You guys didn’t love that idea, if you’ll recall, which is why I changed my ways.) So I think I’ll leave that intact for now.
But if you’re lucky, you’ve identified some places to trim spending, which should help ease your mind,
Look at the progress you are making
Chances are, things aren’t as bad as they feel. So try to take a rosier view of your finances.
Are you putting anything away into savings? Then celebrate that, even if it’s not as much as you want. Focus on it when the anxiety comes at you. Chant it if need be. Whatever it takes to drive the anxiousness out of your brain.
Not putting anything into savings? Are you contributing to retirement? That’s still saving!
And what if you aren’t even contributing to retirement? Look at any debt you’re paying down (including the mortgage) and focus on that.
If even that doesn’t apply, well then look at any financial progress you’ve made lately. Even if that’s just trimming expenses toward future savings. Heck, even if it’s just revamping your gameplan moving forward. It’s going to lead to progress in the future. And sometimes that’s the most we can hope for.
Personally, I need to focus on the fact that I’m now contributing more to my Roth than I have in past years. Plus some of my savings accounts are still getting boosted. The car fund, for example, is still getting $300 a month. And the emergency fund is now getting $100 a month instead of $50. Plus, I’m paying extra on my mortgage, which will save me thousands in interest over the years.
So I am saving. I just have to remind myself of that. Regularly.
“This too shall pass.” (Repeat until you believe it)
Anxiety is about things we can’t (or feel we can’t) control. And there are few things less controllable than unexpected expenses.
Whether it’s a doctor’s bill, flat tire or some other out-of-the-blue expense, this type of charge is great at destroying the delicate balance most of us have achieved with our budgets. So when the expenses hit, it can feel devastating — especially when multiple ones hit at once.
That’s where I am right now. I’ve spent the past three months getting hit with curveballs and irregular expenses to the point that it feels like it’s never going to end.
How bad is it?
Last month, it was more than $1,600: vehicle registration ($280), the new loveseat ($420), insurance deductible and rental car from the accident ($930).
The month before that, I had about $2,070 in one-off expenses: guesthouse windows ($1,800) and discounted Target gift cards for my protein bars ($270).
And in November, it was an insane $3,000 thanks to the movers ($500), a cataract-related eye exam ($210), the yearly termite protection ($320), the guest bed ($530), a larger-than-usual health insurance bill ($640) and guest house repairs/upgrades ($800).
It’s at the point where I’m starting to feel like this is the new normal. As though my life will always be a succession of unexpected expenses cropping up, draining my savings account — or at least keeping me from adding to it. And that’s terrifying for me.
I always assumed that Tim was behind the bulk of the unexpected expenses, but what if that’s not true? What if life is always going to throw more at me than my budget can handle?
But that’s just the anxiety talking. And that’s what we have to realize in order to survive our mental turmoil: It won’t always be like this. Eventually — short of a serious chronic illness — the bills stop coming because the universe runs out of things to throw at you. At least for a while.
In my case, I still have to pay to move the pool table (still waiting for Tim to make room in his new place) and then buy a dining table. I also have to pay around $500 for my business taxes. But then I should be done with large bills for the foreseeable future.
So it’s a matter of recognizing that these are only temporary setbacks. Which I’m sure I’ll start to believe any day now.
Expect the unexpected
You can start to plan for irregular expenses. I put aside a bit of money each month for my annual car insurance premium. Some people set aside a bit of money each month for clothing since shoes will eventually need replacing and jeans will eventually tear. Some even set aside money for a big question mark, anticipating at least a few unexpected charges during the month.
I did something similar. Since I don’t have a categorized budget, I simply built a fair number of unexpected expenses into my projected savings rate. I assumed a $1,000 monthly credit card bill when the only recurring expense I’ll have is $375 for health insurance each month. That should moderate my expectations, lessening the emotional impact of unexpected/irregular charges.
Another important fact to remember: Most unexpected expenses are going to be around $100 or less. That’s nothing to sniff at — especially when you’re on a tight budget — but compared to the $300+ charges I’ve been hit with recently, $100 seems pretty doable. And with today’s thriving gig economy, you could pick up a few Uber, Rover or Instacart opportunities and make up the money that way.
Try to distract yourself
Even when you’re concentrating on other things, low-level anxiety can be churning away in your brain. But that doesn’t mean you should give it your full attention.
So go watch a movie, read a book, play with your kids or go out with friends (or just have friends over — so you don’t spend money!). Do whatever it takes to get your mind at least partially off the matter at hand.
I’ve been numbing my brain with Netflix. I went through all eight seasons of Shameless in about three weeks. I also binged The Punisher season two. I’m about to start watching Norsemen on the advice of a friend. I’m also having people over for a game night (fun with friends for the cost of a few mixers!) and trying to coordinate a night for the gals in our group to go out dancing (to a place with no cover, of course). All of this keeps my mind off my almost-nonexistent savings rate.
Accept that anxiety isn’t rational
In the end, you can only use logic so much. Anxiety will override it a lot of the time. Unfortunately, rational thought sometimes just can’t touch visceral fear.
In those cases, all you can do is temper the situation as best you can. Do you obsessively check your bank balance throughout the day? Put your phone out of reach, making it harder to use the app. Do you compulsively run the budget numbers? Make yourself use a piece of paper instead of Excel. All the math will slow you down.
Notice I’m not advising you to stop these habits altogether. That’s not realistic, so don’t set that goal for yourself. (Especially if your habit is checking your bank balance!) I understand that hard numbers reassure us that everything is correct and how we expect it to be. The problem is that if we do it too often, it becomes the only way to self-soothe, which is a problem.
So allow yourself some compulsion, but try to moderate it. Set an interval during which you can’t check your bank balance. Limit the number of times per week (or, yes, per day) that you can run the budget numbers. Or set a maximum percentage that you can decrease the budget numbers so that you don’t go crazy with “What if?” scenarios. (“What if we spent just $50 on food this month?”)
All in all, sometimes we just have to accept that, for some of us, our brain is going to push us into fight-or-flight mode at random times. The best we can do is try to remember that our perception is not necessarily reality and moderate our actions accordingly.
How do you deal with money anxiety?
I don’t have a particular method to deal with financial anxiety. I just try to keep a positive attitude and tell myself that we’ll get caught up eventually.
Due to a design flaw (poor roof ventilation) our newer roof needs replacing and the job will not be covered by our homeowners insurance. It’s a big expense and thankfully we can manage it. However, it will make a big dent in our savings.
At the same time, due to my husband not telling me he scaled back his 401k contributions, we had an unexpected tax bill. To minimize the penalty for underpayment we need to pay in a few weeks. State and Federal. Thanks honey. (Not!)
Yes, it’s making me anxious! I guess telling myself these are one and done might help. And since the expenses hit us while we both are working it’s not the end of the world.
It would have been much worse if the roof had gone south during the beginning of my retirement. I would have been much more upset.
Good perspective! And you’re being far more understanding about the tax bill/401(k) thing than I’d be so good on you for that. Tim never would’ve heard the end of it! Good luck with those two expenses. I hope you can build savings back up quickly!
It’s tough when you have a bunch of unexpected expenses bunched up like that. Hopefully, you’ll be done with those for a while and become less anxious. We deal with that by having a pretty good stash of emergency fund. We have rentals and I know things will break. If you’re getting too stressed out about money, try to build up your cash fund a bit more. Just do a little at a time and keep at it. I hope things improve over the next few months. Good luck!
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Thanks! It’s definitely my goal to keep building up savings and slowly building my emergency fund (I go to savings for unexpected expenses rather than touch my EF, so I guess both accounts are my EF in a way). Hopefully, a bigger cash buffer will calm me down.
I’m the sort of person that does math in my head-usually it calms my anxiety. Now however, I am trying to figure out how on each we are going to cover four years of college tuition, room and board, and books starting in September to the tune of $114,000 over four years. I am starting to get anxious every time we spend any money on something that is not a need. We have a plan, a good plan on paper, for cash flowing college along with what is already put aside. I have even built in some unforeseen expense, and kept a 6 month emergency savings in place. Still, every few days, I just hyperventilate thinking about how tight the next four years will be.
Oof, yeah that would be a bit terrifying for me too. But it sounds like you’ve done everything you can to plan carefully and realistically. And sometimes that’s about all that you can do… Other than trying yoga or meditation or something.
Maybe on the positive side – can you write off on your taxes all of the improvements on the rental property? Did I see that you put in new windows, and if so, that may allow you to get a write off because of increased energy efficiency? And you said you were putting more money into your Roth, so that’s a very, very good thing.
It sounds to me like you’re doing all right. Having gone through a breakup a while ago, I can tell you with 100% certainty that it messes with your head a lot more than you realize. Give yourself time to learn the new ‘normal’ of your life, and the anxiety should decrease.
(PS. Any reason you have to pay to have the pool table moved? If your ex wants it, and can’t afford to move it himself, selling it might be an option. )
I’d rather he have it than it get sold because a) I’ll get almost nothing for it and b) I hate to see him part with it now that he might actually use it. Besides, it’s his in the divorce, and since I agreed to pay for moving costs, that includes moving the pool table. But if a few more months pass without any movement, then I’ll be talking to him about just selling it and giving him the proceeds.
Good point about the divorce messing with my head. I’ll try to bear that in mind.
And yes, the upgrades are tax deductible, though the windows have to be depreciated over the course of 27.5 years, it’s still a little something extra coming off taxes.
Believe, with the new tax laws, those windows can be written off in any time frame you want, including this year. Might want to check with a tax person on that.
I’ll have to do that, thanks!
I was thinking along the lines of the previous comment. It shouldn’t take long to clear space for the table so perhaps tell him that if the pool table can’t be moved by x date (I wouldn’t give longer than a month) ten you’ll sell it and give him the proceeds.
Well, there are things afoot that are slowing him down. Since he’s no longer in my life, I don’t feel comfortable disclosing more details about his. Suffice it to say, there’s something that’s legitimately stymieing him from making room. But I think I’ll be issuing an ultimatum if it’s not taken care of by mid-March because lord only knows how long it’ll take to sell the damn thing once it goes on Craigslist.
Remind yourself that the $930 for the car accident *would* have gone into savings? Ditto the money for the windows and the guest unit repairs, etc.
And pat yourself on the back for having bought those discounted Target gift cards. After all, you would buy the protein bars no matter what, and this way you save some money — which, if I recall correctly, went into your saved savings.
Of course, you’re going to have to pay for extra gasoline to come pick me up at the airport next month. But I’ll do a little cooking while I’m there, so things even out.
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Yeah, the worry is that these one-off expenses will keeping coming though. But I just have to keep breathing and reminding myself that the universe will probably run out of expenses to throw at me soon. Probably.
Not trying to be mean but I would give Tim a hard deadline of lets say 30 days and if thing isn’t gone , its sold! just because I don’t think him and his parents will make room for it and take initiative to get it out of there. Out of sight, out of mind but on your mind and space. ive been having anxiety as well about bills and unexpected expenses as well nothing major but just things here and there ava needs new shoes, kids need lunch money, need to update car insurance and still recover from Christmas. I found talking it out helps, making a budget like you said helped a lot, not that it changed the money coming in or out but I usually write it out every month and say ok everything will be paid. Ive even been more proactive looking at my credit report and score so have knowledge and get it taken cared of. in doing that I felt a burden been lifting off my shoulders. I must say Abby this last articles lately have been really good.
Thanks! And good for you for taking a look at your credit score closely. It’s about the time that I should start doing that too. My score is good, but it doesn’t hurt to make sure that everything is completely correct.
Finances are causing a bit of anxiety here as well. It will pass. I’m working part-time right now due to having to keep time available for my mother. I could work more, but….I have a couple health conditions that I am waiting to resolve before I change my insurance situation. Eventually, I’ll get to “normal”.
And then a $550 propane bill came today. Ouch. The money is put aside for that, but geez.
Don’t struggle with your trivia night purchases. I’ve found that you can deprive yourself of everything about so long. Its important for you right now to have some fun after the divorce. That’s not a lot of money…$50 a month really wouldn’t dent your bills too much. That pool table will become a thorn in your side and a “reminder” if it sits there too long. A month or two is plenty. If he doesn’t bring it up before then…he really doesn’t want it that badly. In the meantime, practice your drama and when you bring up the pool table, say… “I scraped up a dining room table at the thrift store and I need the pool table moved, but the mover will cost X (inflate) and I’ve had aaaallll these expenses…. yaddah yaddah. I need you to XXX….” If he gets frustrated and says just sell it, then send him the money when its gone. I know you won’t get alot of money out of it….but I think its a small price to pay to move forward. Your well being is PRIORITY.
Well, there there’s a good reason he hasn’t been able to make room yet for the pool table, but it’s no longer really my place to disclose much of his life. So suffice it to say, things are in the works, but if those things don’t get worked in the next couple of months then yeah… He’s just going to get the proceeds from the table. Basically, I’m giving it another two months. If it doesn’t get resolved by then, I don’t know that it ever will. In which case I’ll consider it time to be done with the whole drama.
I think that Tim and his parents were such mooches, you’ve got more “deferred maintenance” than you realize.
Cut yourself some slack, please.
It’s entirely possible that this is an issue of deferred maintenance in a lot of ways. I do think it’s a bit harsh to call them all mooches — his parents did pay rent — but I guess I can see how it would look like that based on how I’ve described things in the past. I dunno. I go back and forth on the subject.
Thanks for the reminder of where I was before I found YNAB. Never knowing what was coming next, even though it happened every year. That car repair, I knew it was going to happen, just didn’t know when, and it always hurt when it did. Those things and more are reminders of where I come from.
YNAB has opened my eyes. The sun is coming up. I can’t tell you how much YNAB, and their educational videos, classes, and literature, have helped me. They even have a 34 day free trial. If you don’t see any benefit in it, don’t continue after that time. If, like me, you find it a priceless addition, pay the money and sign up for one year. If, you decide later, it really doesn’t help you, they will refund the difference. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain. I am very grateful I found the program and gladly pay annually.
As I said earlier, I remember being where you are. If you take the time to learn the program, and work with it, you will see so much progress your head will spin, at least mine has.
Here’s a link that will save you and me both one month worth of service, maybe use that month for more time for your free trial?: https://ynab.com/referral/?ref=Zf7hwkn4UTINuajN&utm_source=customer_referral
Thanks for the suggestion, but I don’t budget in the classic sense. Instead, I have weekly amounts to spend, and those have to last me at least 7 days. I’ve tried classic budgets before, and I’m not good at setting realistic budgetary expectations for myself. I then blow the budget, get super depressed and in some cases get non-functional. It’d probably be better now that my meds have been adjusted, but I’m still pretty comfortable with my current system.
Wishing you all the best, of everything.
Thanks for writing this Abby! I have money anxiety so bad that I won’t buy anything
other than necessities. In some ways I feel like a money hoarder and yet everything is so expensive where I live that I feel robbed when I do have to buy things. However, I am debt free so I have worked hard to keep that status in my life. I love your blog very much!
Thanks, Marcia! I can see where you’d boil it down to just the necessities if the anxiety got bad enough. Especially with rising costs everywhere. It just starts to hurt every time you have to spend anything. I guess all we can do is breathe and remind ourselves that it’ll be okay in the long run if we’re smart with our money.
I can relate to the whole money anxiety thing. Looking back to my childhood I can see several things that led to it – and similarly while my wife worries about lots of things money isn’t one of them. Again I think that’s a lot to do with her upbringing.
One way that this manifests itself for me in in paranoia that I’m going to lose my job. n the past I have then extrapolated that out to the end point of my family homeless and hungry on the streets. I realise that it’t not rational – but as you’ll appreciate that’s not relevant to how you FEEL.
The way that I’ve dealt with it is to build up reserves, spend less, and pay of debt as soon as I could. Getting rid of the mortgage, filling my pension, loading up savings accounts. I’m sure it’s not the most psychologically healthy approach but in the last two years it has got to a point where it feels like it has worked for me. That paranoia has receded to the point where I am now relaxed about whether I get laid off or not.
I’m not sure if that is of any use but good luck with your journey.
I’m so glad the paranoia has receded! I definitely want to pay off my mortgage quickly. I’m behind on retirement, though, so I need to focus on that too, which means diverting some funds that would otherwise go to the mortgage. But I think I’ll be a lot calmer once I own the place outright.
I used to worry about money a lot. My aunt had worse money anxiety than I do though. She re-used coffee grounds multiple times, wouldn’t buy herself anything new, and worried about running out of money ALL of the time. Then it became part of her dementia. Now she’s in a care facility and she never got to enjoy life because she was saving everything for later. It’s hard to find the middle ground sometimes and I feel like I learned something from her life. If your social expenses are moderate ($13 plus a little more per week is pretty moderate) and if you have enough to budget them, you should do what makes you happy. You’ll probably live longer and be healthier because you’re interacting with friends and forming relationships.
Thanks for the perspective. It’s a good reminder that money is (in moderation) meant to be enjoyed. I just hope expenses ease a bit soon so that I can calm down. Though, again, I need to work on calming down even if they don’t cease their seemingly endless barrage.
I find myself doing this: What if I run out of money in retirement? Or even before? What if I can’t contribute to household expenses? What if I become a burden?
Not only is this hard on my psyche, it’s also tough for others to hear. (Back me up on this, Abby!) In essence I’m asking others to do my emotional labor for me, i.e., reassure me over and over that I am making the right choices and that everything will be okay.
Really, really working on this. Bonus: I’m learning to remind myself that a certain amount of money *should* be spent on things that I want, whether that’s a movie with a friend or a trip to Phoenix. That it’s not only all right to spend money, but that I should enjoy the spending rather than fret over it.
I’m a work in progress. Sometimes that progress backslides.
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Glad you’re working on this because I’d much prefer you spend your money on yourself rather than saving it all as some money to leave me. I want you to enjoy your money and not deprive yourself for my sake. Especially since you’re going to live to 150 and all.
Slightly off topic but – one of my cousins used to say that the only difference in expenses once someone is widowed is that the food bill is lower. Fortunately you haven’t been widowed but her point still stands.
Well, sorta. Tim was spending a lot of money in dribs and drabs (especially fast food), so expenses have definitely been lower there. But that’s the day-to-day money, so it doesn’t make its way into savings until the end of the month. If it doesn’t have to cover a large credit card bill.
Would it help your anxiety to track your net worth? Because you’re right, you’re not giving yourself enough credit for savings, it sounds like you’re emotionally grouping the Roth with spending on consumables like food and the car.
But really whatever gets you through the next little bit is good – this recover period won’t last forever.
That’s not a bad idea, though I’d need to figure out a way to determine my house’s real net worth. I don’t trust Zillow’s estimate, especially since it can’t account for old appliances and a small kitchen and such.
This is some really good advice. Until you actually walk through your expenses in detail you aren’t doing anything other than straight up being anxious. And then of course, anxiety isn’t always rational, and acknowledging that is important too.
Yep, sometimes even after you follow all of these steps you’ll still be freaked out. But at least then you’ve tried.
We are moving to a more expensive place soon which has brought up so much money anxiety for both of us! It is definitely affordable but not nearly as comfortable as our current place was (7% of gross income versus 21%). So I’ve just been re-drawing up financial plans and that usually helps ease me over. January/February/March are usually our lowest cost months, so that’s helping right now too.
Ouch, that’s quite a jump! But presumably you wouldn’t move unless it were necessary and/or the new place brought you a lot of happiness. Still, I can see where that’d stir up the old anxiety, so I’m glad you’re going back over the budget. I hope the low-cost months somehow continue past March!
Yes it is quite a jump! Hence the anxiety. About 1/3 of the cost is because we decided to invest the proceeds from our old place instead of recasting the new mortgage after we sell it.
Ah, well that’s a smart money move, even if it’s one that causes a bit more anxiety. Maybe watching your investments grow will help ease your mind.
Ahhh, Shameless. Love it. My sister put me onto it last year.
I’ve been where you are. You’re absolutely correct in saying that the ‘one-off’ expenses will slow down, That old saying ‘it never rains but it pours’ is true – these things tend to come in clumps but this particular clump will have an end date. Hopefully soon!
I made the decision to pay off the house before worrying too much about retirement. Mathematically it probably wasn’t the best, (but who does Maths anyway unless they have to?), but I knew that having a secure base for the boys and I was by far the best thing for my peace of mind.
I’m almost like you from the future… *waves*
You’ll be fine as long as you keep putting those bits of money away. Trust me. One day you’ll look back on this and be amazed at how far you’ve come.
Thanks for the comforting words. (And hi, future me!) I hope that one day when I’m looking back and am amazed… Well, I hope it comes soon!