Something’s been percolating in the back of my mind for a while, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Reading Jess’s bucket list post over at The Fioneers finally brought it to a full boil: I’m completely unmotivated.
I mean, I suppose not completely. I’m still happily working and blogging. I still have the wherewithal to run errands and keep the house at least nominally clean.
But I’m unmotivated in the larger sense, the one that Jess is driving at. The one that’s about bettering yourself and/or achieving huge goals.
Which makes very little sense, really, because since the divorce, my life is now basically brand new. You’d think that I’d be taking the opportunity to go crazy trying new things and discovering who I am now that I’m not married anymore.
In fact, I don’t have any desire to do that. I guess this means I’m content. Which is weird because my life is really kind of small when you look at it.
I work. I write for my blog and play on social media (ostensibly for the blog). I exercise regularly. I go out with my friends once to twice a week. I email or call to chat with my mom most days. And I’m very casually seeing a couple of guys in a nice, thoroughly uncomplicated way.
And that’s about it. Well, other than watching more TV than is probably healthy.
So yeah, mine isn’t the biggest, most rich, fulfilling world. In fact, it’s kind of quiet. Still, I love it — probably because it’s quiet.
There’s no longer a TV blaring at all hours, including when I’m trying to work or write. There’s no one making demands of me or needing anything from me, and I only have to worry about my own set of doctor visits, therapy and other appointments. And I don’t have to tiptoe around anyone else’s feelings.
It’s just me, and that’s more lovely than I can say.
So when I try to picture my bucket list, when I try to think of goals I could set to better myself, I come up just about blank.
I know that I’d like to go to London at some point, assuming I can finagle enough time off. And traveling more of Europe wouldn’t be bad either. But beyond “more travel”? I’ve got just about nothing. Except the perennial “Keep saving a bunch of money for retirement.”
I feel like this lack of motivation should bother me. Like I should be more inspired to read 30 books this year or learn a new language. But it feels like setting goals for myself right now would just stress me out, and my life is finally relatively stress-free.
That’s not to say I’ll never aspire to more, just not right now.
For example, I should probably do something with my abundance of free time — volunteer somewhere, for example. It’s on my list of things to look into, but lord only knows when I’ll actually get around to it.
See, while I do get a little bored once in a while, there’s a certain freedom and revelry in that boredom. The fact that I now have a life where I can get bored and a little lonely is oddly comforting. Because, again, it means I’m responsible for absolutely no one other than myself.
So yeah, I’m unmotivated toward bigger and better things. I don’t even want to take up a new hobby. Frankly, that sounds exhausting.
I guess all in all I just don’t particularly feel like improving myself. Perhaps that sounds sad, but I promise you it isn’t. Or perhaps objectively it is sad. But subjectively, I have to say that I’m really quite happy.
That’s not to say I’m complacent. I do want my finances to keep improving. I want the blog to keep getting better, have regular posts and hopefully reaching an ever-expanding audience. But beyond those two somewhat nebulous goals… Well, I’m content for the first time that I can remember.
Sure, there are things I wouldn’t mind being a little different. For example, when you have as much spare time as I do, it feels like you spend a lot of time waiting on other people to be available. But big picture-wise, I’m good. I’m okay with my current lot in life.
It’s a weird feeling, but a wonderful one. So I’m trying not to let this lack of motivation worry me or make me feel guilty. Instead, I’m just trying to enjoy it. And thus far, am succeeding.
Are you content in your life? Do you think I should be more motivated to bigger and better things?