Back by semi-popular demand (at least based on reader comments)… More Tinder tales of woe!
Things you should not have to state when dating in 2020 (and yet…):
- Please don’t choke me unless I request it.*
- I use condoms. I will not NOT use condoms.
You’d think these things would be common sense, right? And that you wouldn’t have to say this crap before you even go on the date?!
I know porn has skewed younger guys’ perceptions of what’s “normal” for sex inre: choking. So I kinda sorta maybe get how that became considered routine by a certain subset of the male population.
But at the very least, the condoms thing should be a given, right? Right?!
Four different guys in the span of one month — a MONTH, people! — informed me that they don’t use condoms.
One at least had the excuse of a latex allergy, but when I pointed out he could always use non-latex condoms, he demurred. Obviously for me this is a dealbreaker because (unlike these guys apparently) I value my health.
“But I don’t sleep with many people!” they assure me. Guys, you only have to sleep with one wrong person!
Did I mention one of the guys was a single father of two small kids? If he didn’t want to stay healthy for himself, he should at least do it for them!
Moving on to more astonishing accounts…
10 a.m. is too early for this
One morning, a Tinder guy and I were texting back and forth. I listed a few things that I like to do for fun. Then I added, “And of course going out with cute Tinder guys is always fun 😉”
His next text, “I want you to sit on my face already.”
So…. That escalated quickly.
Can I choke you?
This was the guy’s first and only line. I waited a few moments to see if he’d say anything else, but nope. I unmatched him.
Obviously, everyone has their own preference — though man, choking is dangerous — but mainly just… Sheesh, dude, how about a little light banter before asphyxiation talk?!
Then there was the guy who, due to a warehouse job, had to be up at 3 a.m. Since we were chatting at 7:45 p.m., the earliest start time for a date that I could offer would’ve been 8:45. Understandably,that was too late for him (and probably me, frankly).
Yet he made it clear he had time to fit in a, um, house call. So when I said I always meet in public first to see how we like each other, he became the ultimate negotiator.
But, like, he really wanted to come over. Uh, too bad?
What if we meet and talk in the car? Nope, sorry, don’t give out my address to complete strangers.
What if we meet in a store? Dude, I want to talk to you for more than five minutes before I decide whether we’re going to ever have sex, let alone have it immediately!
I finally told him to knock it off. That it was a matter of my feeling comfortable with the guy and that I’d hope he’d want the woman to feel comfortable. He assured me he did but that it meant that night was a no-go.
Not shockingly, he never did set up a date for another day. Which, given how pushy he was, is probably a good thing. No matter how hot he was. (And he was pretty hot.)
Tinder and stranger danger
Just as a note, a startling number of guys think they’ll be invited over first-thing. As in, no public meet ahead of time. This terrifies me because it means that plenty of women do this.
I was chatting with one guy (social anxiety guy) who has become more platonic than romantic. He told me he was invited over to this woman’s house to watch Hulu. At 10 p.m.
In her defense, she lived with her mom. So presumably there would’ve been someone to call 911 if he’d turned out to be an axe murder. But still, eek!
As it turned out, nothing happened between them. Either she wasn’t feeling it or she was waiting for him to make a move (and he’s super shy).
If it was the latter, I hope she works on her assertiveness. But if it was the former, then I’m weirdly proud of her. Specifically, that she didn’t cave to sex with him just because he was already there and there was — by guy standards — an implicit promise.
Uber = sex?
Ugh, this guy. Settle in for a long tale, guys, because there was so much wrong here.
The day of our date, he texts me. Firstly, to make sure we’re still on. But secondly to tell me that the restaurant I’d picked (close to my house, cheap) closed at 9 p.m.
Which wouldn’t have been an issue if he hadn’t, for reasons unclear to me, scheduled our dinner date at 8 p.m.
At any rate, he asked if I could choose somewhere else because he wanted to get to know me. At which point, I began to worry (rightly so, as it turned out) just how long he expected a dinner date to last.
But I obliged him and picked a different place also not too far from me. Then he texted back to say that his ride — his own car was having transmission issues — had gotten hung up indefinitely. Could I maybe come to him?
He lives 27 miles away from me. And I was a little lukewarm about the date. So I politely declined and said we could reschedule.
Instead, he said he’d Uber out to me. I told him that was a terrible idea because it’d be heinously expensive. But he was insisted it was fine.
The only slight improvement was that some friends were going to Tempe — about 7-10 miles closer to me — and he could catch a ride that far. After he told me that, I warned him that it’d still be tremendously expensive and reiterated that we should reschedule.
But he couldn’t be dissuaded. In his defense, he told me during the date that he was going to be super busy for the next two weeks, which is why he was so deadset on the date taking place that night.
Still… He should’ve taken a sign from the universe (and my repeatedly discouraging him from coming out).
In deference to his impending outlay, I changed the meet place to a restaurant about 10 miles from me. Much less convenient for me but I’m guessing it saved him around $10 each way.
So yeah at 8 p.m. he arrived at the restaurant, probably $25-30 poorer.
And folks, it was awkward.
Conversation came in fits and starts, and I wasn’t super attracted to him. He was okay but not as cute as his pics suggested.
Then when he confirmed that I wasn’t drinking anything at dinner — something I’d warned him about twice in texts, by the way — he said, “Well, if you wanted to drink, we could go back to your place.”
I replied, “Oh, I don’t invite guys back to my place on the first date.” (Not always true, but he didn’t need to know that.) He seemed surprised. Which… I mean, it’s Tinder. So by that standard maybe this was shocking.
It’d been maybe 10 minutes since we started the date, and even via phone we hadn’t really chatted, let alone flirted, much. And did I mention conversation was already a little awkward?
In other words, not the greatest circumstances to assume the woman has already decided to sleep with you. So his surprise surprised me. But oh well, not my problem. At least, that’s what I thought.
Because after we finished eating, he said, “So what now?”
We were in an area of town that’s mainly for shopping, so I observed that, frankly, there wasn’t much else to do. But he was looking at me expectantly, and he had spent all that money to get there. So I sucked it up and suggested he have another large beer and we (sigh) keep talking.
Half an hour, one beer and increasingly faltering conversation later, I once again got “So what now?” Clearly he was angling for an invite to my house. Always cute when men don’t listen, amiright?
So we decided we could walk and (double sigh) talk some more. But it was chilly and he quickly got too cold, so we doubled back to the restaurant.
By then it was 9:45 p.m., so I told him that I’d better get going because I’d be too tired to drive soon (quasi-true). Incredibly, he seemed surprised that the date — the dinner date, mind you — was over almost two hours after it began.
I suggested he could go back to Tempe and maybe meet up with the friends who were clubbing. He looked at his phone and muttered to himself a bit and then asked if I’d consider driving him to Tempe. Which is about 15 miles in the opposite direction of my house. And I’d just told him I was getting tired. Charming.
I told him no, sorry, I needed to get home. There was a pause and then he said, somewhat begrudgingly, “Okay, I guess I’ll get an Uber then.” Uh, yeah, dude. That was always the plan.
Oh, and this was after, when the waiter placed the check on the table, this guy made no move to pick it up — even though he’d been the one nagging me for the date for several days.
I wasn’t sure if he thought I should pay since he’d Ubered all the way there or what, but several minutes passed and he ignored it. So I mentally sighed and then grabbed the check.
At which point he acted surprised to find out the waiter had left it, even though the server did it not do it at all stealthily. So I don’t know if it was a fake reaction or the effect of two large beers, but to be fair he did then reach for his wallet.
However, by then I was also reaching for mine and it seemed weird to just hand over the bill. That said, I really didn’t want to spend $38 plus tip.
I ended up offering to pay for my part. He took me up on it. So I got to pay $16 for this fun experience. But I suppose the whole price tag was far worse for him, especially since he seems to have thought that he was definitely getting laid.
So I guess the night (and cost) was far worse for him.
PS. During the date I learned that his pilot training program has him sleeping two-to-a-room. So… Even if I had driven to him, how exactly did he think he was going to get lucky???
Fun but… No.
I was antsy on a Monday night — my friend had cancelled our plans — so I decided to go out with a guy that I was kind of unsure about.
As it turned out, he was a lot of fun to talk to, but either his pictures were out of date or they deftly hid the fact that he had 25-30 extra pounds on him. So unfortunately, I just wasn’t attracted to him.
He asked me at the end of the date if I was “feeling it.” Well, what he asked is whether I wanted to end the date there, have one of us go back to the other’s place or whether I just wasn’t feeling it. So only semi-tactful I guess. I confessed that, while he was cool, there just wasn’t a spark.
He thanked me for my honesty and seemed pretty chipper as he walked away. So that’s good at least.
Eggplant. ‘Nuff said
One morning I chatted a bit with a guy and agreed to a date a little faster than normal because, frankly, I had nothing else going on that night. Then he ended our conversation with “Cool” and an eggplant emoji. So basically “Cool, do ya later!”
I texted him back, “Uh, you realize you’re not guaranteed sex just because we’re meeting right?” He said yes, he understood that but figured we should be on the same page.
And hey… It’s Tinder so this probably should be considered par for the course. But for whatever reason — maybe because I was sort of iffy about the date to begin with — this grossed me out.
So I cancelled. Like I said, I was already lukewarm about him, and given my recent mediocre dating luck, I decided then and there to stop going on dates where I have a gut feeling there won’t be a spark.
Especially if eggplant emojis are involved.
Then there was the guy (actually my own age!) who seemed okay initially, if a little overly impressed with his alleged intellect. Then he texted this:
“There’s a neat little bar by my place, want to grab a beer tonight? If we get along we can discover each other’s bodies 😉”
I quite can’t say why this was so icky. My friend suggested it’s because the phrase sounds like something out of middle school sex ed. So maybe that was the issue.
Whatever the reason… Barf!
After a little more chatting, he said he sensed some hesitancy on my part. I admitted that my guard might be a little up due to some bad experiences lately.
He said, “Good luck with that 😘”
I asked whether that was goodbye because it was horrendously unclear. He said, no offense, but he was looking for vulnerability and SEX (yes, he used all caps).
Inre: vulnerability, earlier in our talk he’d alluded to wanting… I don’t remember the exact wording and I deleted the text chain for obvious reasons so I can’t refer to that. But it essentially amounted to him wanting the ability to have deep conversation with whoever he was sleeping with.
Why is that stupid (or at least mediocre-intellect people) are always the ones making a big deal of how deep/smart they supposedly are? I’ve met some pretty damn smart/deep people in my life, and not a single one went around advertising it.
Oh, he also said waiting until the second date for sex was “too much work 🤪.”
Since he was blowing me off anyway, I decided teo be honest about how he might want to avoid the phrase “discover each other’s bodies” in the future. How there was something undefinably icky. I told him that I wasn’t trying to be rude but genuinely thought it might help him in future interactions with women.
“The longggggg lines of hot ladies with a sense of humor love it. It’s the highest on google analytics 🤷”
So… He uses Google analytics for pickup lines? That’s just soooooo sad.
Also, as far as I know, Google analytics is only for websites. So either:
- He was, as one Twitter follower suggested, checking out pickup line websites or
- He was lying and just an idiot trying to sound confident/frequently-laid/like I didn’t just shatter his apparently super fragile male ego.
Take your pick. Either possibility is pretty depressing.
Then there was the guy who, throughout our conversation, spelled “you’re” as “yur.”
I try not to be a spelling snob, especially given my own typo issues. But this kept occurring throughout the conversation.
And folks, it’s just hard to ignore lines like “Yur so smart.”
It’s all about (camera) perspective
Then there was the guy who only had headshots in his profile. After some chatting, I asked him for a full body shot. He replied, “You trying to see how fat I am?”
I mean… Kinda?
Few Tinder guys (probably none, in fact) would go out with a woman without seeing a good body shot. I’m guessing most probably wouldn’t even swipe right on her profile without one.
So why should it be different for women? We’re allowed to care about physical attraction too.
And after the guy I mentioned earlier (the “Fun but… No” guy), I frankly didn’t want to waste my time and the Lyft fare to get to the date. Call it being pragmatic or just shallow. Honestly, it’s probably both.
Incidentally, he did send me a pic. Of him in a coat. Sigh. He said it was the only one he had but like… Go stand in front of a mirror, dude.
Based on his legs, he’s probably pretty skinny (maybe too skinny?) but at least I’m not in for any unpleasant surprises. Unless he carries all his weight in a gut, which is unlikely at his tender age.
That’s not how it works
I reconnected with a guy who I’d seen a couple of times before I went exclusive with Darryl.
I’d texted him when I became single, but he never responded. I thought I’d burned that bridge, but it turns out that he just got a new phone. I learned this because we matched again on Tinder.
It’s been great to reconnect with him. But.
In an “Oh, you sweet young thing” moment, he informed me that his friend had gotten chlamydia because the guy had sex with a woman while she was on her period.
I’m just gonna let that sink into your brain for a moment.
I read that text like three or four times, thinking I must be misunderstanding him. But no, that’s really what he seemed to believe.
So yeah, I had to explain that, no, his friend got chlamydia because his friend had sex with someone who had chlamydia. Probably (based on recent my Tinder conversations) without a condom.
He admitted he didn’t know much about it. So I hopefully taught him something that day.
I guess at least he’s learning something with me? Bettering future generations — that’s me!
The pain comes to an end
And that’s about all the Tinder news for the moment. But assuming I haven’t lost the will to date after contemplating all this awfulness, I’m sure I’ll have plenty more hilariously horrifying anecdotes soon enough.