A reader recently said I was anti-positivity.
Ouch
To be clear, I don’t think she meant it as a critique, merely an observation. She was referencing my reaction to her previous comment. Admittedly, it was a rather negative reaction.
And to be fair to her, I had also just published a post called “There are no silver linings in pandemics.”
Still, her words stung a little. Because I tend to think of myself as simply being a hard-nosed realist more than a negative person.
But honestly, maybe she’s onto something.
A little sulk can be good
First of all, I’m a firm believer in a good wallow when things suck. I mean, not a prolonged one. You can’t soak in a bath of self-pity forever. You get emotionally prune-y.
But I think it’s good for the soul to accept when things are awful, letting it wash over you and letting yourself feel utterly sad about it.
I’m not the only one. My mom recently read me part of a Caroline Hax post, wherein Hax said that trying to stay too positive during this kind of crisis can mean failing to acknowledge a very real part of you that’s scared and sad and hurting.
Cognitive dissonance ain’t good for nobody, folks.
The problem with silver linings
Positive people would probably say that they accept that things are bad, then try to find the small bits of good still left. Or try to make positive what they do have control over.
Whereas me? Not so much.
I’m generally anti-silver lining. Maybe that’s because thanks to deep denial, I came up with multiple silver linings after my severe illness. And they were utter BS.
It was not, in fact, worth the whole thing just to get a second chance to experience my first steps. It was not worth it just to appreciate good health or the ability to move my body parts on my own.
Just remembering that I tried to convince people (including myself) of that makes me queasy and angry.
So no, not a big silver linings fan.
Though in my defense, my problem is more specifically with third-party silver linings. That is, people finding the good in someone else’s seemingly miserable situation. Like the folks who were saying that at least this economic crisis will make people practice frugality.
Look, if you want to find positivity in your own life, have at it. But don’t tell someone else what the silver linings are in theirs. You don’t get to decide what’s good or positive for others.
Being realistic
So there’s all that. And yeah, as mentioned before, I believe in a good — if limited-time — wallow when things are rough. I think it’s cathartic.
But even after that, I don’t think we should have to find positive things in crappy situations — though again, that’s not to say we should wallow.
Instead I think that, yes, we should focus on what we can actually control and optimize what we can actually do: seeing friends virtually when we can’t see them in person, catching Mom up on a bunch of good TV shows while she’s here with me, etc.
But I don’t think we need to pretend that these things as good as regular life. I feel like many positive people would try to focus solely on the good that’s left and avoid comparing it to normal.
Because this sucks
And I have no desire to play Pollyanna’s glad game.
I don’t want to be happy about the money saved from not going out. I want to be able to go out (without endangering people).
I don’t want to think about how this is bringing families closer together. Because proximity is causing plenty of problems, including an uptick in calls to divorce attorneys and, far worse, a notable increase in domestic violence.
And I don’t want to focus on how this situation is bringing out people’s generosity. Because that just reminds me how many more people are in dire financial need.
And I do want to be upset that I’m stress-eating and gaining weight because of it. I don’t think even a positive person could find a good spin on that.
A hard look at a hard reality
So how, after saying all that, can I claim that I’m not anti-positivity? Well, because I don’t think I ignore the good in life. I do acknowledge it. It’s just that I don’t meet those positives without scrutiny.
To go back to an earlier example, it’s wonderful that people are contributing more to charities. Admittedly, that does give me a little more faith in humanity. But the fact is that most of us could afford to be more generous on a regular basis — myself, very much included.
Positive people would probably say that maybe this will make people realize that. But I suspect folks will go back to their normal, non-giving or minimally giving ways once the worst of this is over.
Again, I think I’m just being realistic, but it could definitely come off as negativity or pessimism.
People? Meh.
The fact is, I’m not a fan of people as a whole. Individuals, sure. Like my readers, you guys are awesome. Mom is awesome. My friends are awesome.
But humanity as a whole? Not impressed.
Unlike me, some people always try to find the good in the world/people. And sure, I can acknowledge that some good exists. But if I tried to see only the good, I’d quickly lose my damn mind. Because I’m too acutely aware of just how much bad is in the world.
Optimistic pessimism?
So I look at the good stuff, and yes, I try to appreciate it. But generally I expect the worst out of people. Which arguably does make me appreciate all the more when good things do happen. But that’s a matter of some debate, I suppose.
By expecting the worst — especially in a bad situation like this — I’m prepared for the bad rather than being blindsided by it. Which is what I think would happen if I tried to focus more on the positive things.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still routinely shocked and horrified by new levels of awfulness that I didn’t previously contemplate. But just think how much worse my shock and horror would be if I looked only for the good!
The good amid the bad
And besides, expecting things to go badly means that I’m often pleasantly surprised when something good happens.
Steeling myself for the worst lets me truly appreciate when things go well. It’s such a shock that it really resonates, and I get all mushy/gooey about it. At least for a bit. Until the next horrible thing comes along.
I will readily admit that this world has some amazing, beautiful things and people. It’s also got a ton of awful, awful crap. If I tried to look for the positive in some of the latter, I’d fail miserably. And probably get quite depressed in the process.
Frankly, I’d rather prepare myself for the worst/have a negative outlook on humanity, and just try to take in and appreciate the good as it comes. To me that’s better than constantly looking for the good and driving myself crazy with the deluge of bad stuff in this world.
So maybe positive people are just made of stronger stuff than I am. Because I guess when you get down to it, negativity is my coping mechanism.
Do you consider yourself an optimist or a pessimist?
I’m in 100% agreement that you are allowed and have every right to feel what you are feeling, however, there is evidence based on wrongfully imprisoned people (Nelson Mandela), and Holocaust survivors, that finding MEANING in tough times can strengthen resiliency. It’s those people that come out not just surviving, but thriving, in the end. There is a difference between that and being a Pollyanna. But here is the thing, you can choose your own perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to do it, but, when you have a blog, you put everything out there so you there are going to be people with different points of view about it. Sometimes I think, and my guess deep down you know this too (and yes, we have all been guilty of it from time to time), you seem to self-sabatoge. I know in the past that’s been hard for me to read on your blogs because I tend to avoid conflict and not say anything. It might be beneficial to your overall wellbeing to try and broaden your perspective (if at all possible) about different angles to a situation, especially the one we are in now.
I’m not quite sure what you mean by self-sabotage, so if you can provide any examples, they’d be appreciated. I know I did that when Tim was around — financially, anyway, by rationalizing purchases because I was tired of arguing with him — but I don’t feel like anything in my life has been sabotaged except by the pandemic Which is sabotaging everyone’s life.
It’s not that I’m not open to other perspectives. As I’ve said, there are things that increase my faith in humanity. There are just a lot of things that also decrease it. And please understand that I’m not calling every optimist a Pollyanna. I said that I didn’t want to play the Pollyanna glad game. If that implied that every optimist is blindly, saccharinely positive, that wasn’t my intent. I think optimists obviously aren’t always upbeat. They just tend to find the good in most situations. I think it’s healthier (for me, at the very least) to not to go that route.
As for broadening my perspective… I’ve tried multiple different ways of looking at things. I’ve tried finding silver linings. I found that it wasn’t healthy for me because, again, I was just in denial about the bad. That’s not to say that everyone who finds silver linings is in denial; that’s what happened when *I* tried it. On multiple occasions. Similarly, there have been times that I’ve been a full-on pessimist — usually when depression got bad. Where I couldn’t see the good in anything. I’d hoped I made it clear in the post that I do see positive things in this pandemic. I just don’t think we can discount the bad either. So I think right now I have a healthy balance of appreciating good things (even if it’s just a funny pet video that momentarily lifts my spirits) and accepting that the bad is, well, bad. I call it pragmatism but some might still call it pessimism. I guess we have to just agree to disagree.
And this point of view doesn’t preclude me from finding meaning in bad times. I think there’s a difference between “meaning” and “silver linings.” Meaning can be negative or positive. Silver linings must always be positive. And meaning in this pandemic so far, as I’ve felt it, is that it shows a) just how interconnected we all actually are, b) just how much our own selfish disregard can potentially hurt others, c) that there is still good in people who want others to stay safe to their own personal detriment, d) just how precarious all of our health can be, e) just how precarious many people’s finances are, f) that politicians by and large do seem to care about their constituents (just in different ways than I might like sometimes), g) that the world is full of some very scary things, h) that racism is still flourishing, as many Asian Americans are finding, and g) just how good we all had it in retrospect (though I was already pretty darn satisfied with my life as it was, never hurts to get a booster). And also some political stuff I won’t rant about because, well, politics. And probably other lessons that aren’t coming to mind here.
I think there’s meaning in all of those — the good and the bad. This pandemic has made me despair even more of humans but in turns has also given me new faith in them. In short (too late), I think you can find meaning and still see the bad. I don’t think realism precludes insight. Arguably, it’s easier to see deeper meaning when you look at both sides.
I’m really interested in your thoughts here and above. I tend towards optimism, and I’m finding that I disagree with a some of your characterisations of optimism.
For one, I think you’re conflating silver linings with blind optimism. Finding silver linings is a coping mechanism for dealing with something, not a blind denial of something’s effects. I sat in a (virtual) room with doctors and health care leaders from across my province last night, and when they talked about the new structure we’re working on being a silver lining to the pandemic, by no means were they also communicating that they were stoked that thousands of people are ill, or that those peoples’ suffering was ‘worth it’. Finding silver linings *is* finding meaning, and finding ways to continue despite setbacks or devastation.
More broadly, what I read from your posts seems a tendency towards a fixed mindset, which seems closely related to your pessimism. And there’s no reason you need to change if you’re happy being in your head – I was not happy in mine, which led me to this work by Carol Dweck (overview: https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/). I see this reflected when you say “x doesn’t work for me, I tried it once” – cooking, videochats with friends, finding silver linings, & hobbies all come to mind from just ~6 months of reading your blog. When I’m curious about the limiting thoughts I have, I usually move past them into more satisfying understandings.
None of this is to say that you can’t choose to be a pessimist – do whatever you makes you happy. I guess it’s just hard to tell from here if the choices are making you happy.
(For context, I will share that I struggle with anxiety and depression, and a chronic disease. We all have different paths, but my optimism does not come from a life without struggle)
I mentioned in my reply to Tanya that when I referred to Pollyanna’s glad game, that was the only part of Pollyanna-ism I was referring to: finding something good in every bad thing. That I in no way meant to say that optimists are blindly cheerful and I’m pretty sure I apologized if that’s what I conveyed. But in case I didn’t, I’m sorry that it came off that way. It’s not what I meant. I know that optimists see the bad in the world and choose to focus instead on the good and/or believe that the good will outweigh the bad.
As for trying things once and calling it quits, that’s simply not true.
Finding silver linings: I’ve tried this on multiple occasions. The post-illness thing was just one example. Trying to focus on silver linings leads me to despair that I can’t keep up the cheer/feel like the silver linings aren’t enough to outweigh the bad/that the bad still seems to roll in no matter how many silver linings I find. Then I feel like I’m just not trying hard enough, which leads me to castigating myself, which worsens my mental health. So it’s been a poor experience the times that I’ve tried it.
I tried cooking many, many, *many* times. For years, actually. And failed to keep it going for more than two weeks at a time without ending up feeling paralyzed by the thought of doing it even one more time. Then in a month or two, I’d be convinced it’d be different the next time around — or I’d feel I didn’t have a choice — so I’d try again with the same result. In the end, I got sick of literally hating myself for not being able to do something so seemingly simple. So I stopped, and my mental health improved notably.
Admittedly, I haven’t tried it since Tim left, and since he was a major stressor, it’s possible that cooking is something I can do now. I’m actually open to trying it in the future, but I haven’t discussed it on here because I didn’t feel like getting the well-intentioned but almost certainly overwhelming barrage of advice when I’m not yet ready to do it. For now I prefer to stick to my current diet, which includes diet meals. Well, “stick to” in that while Mom’s here I’ve been eating some of her cooking instead. But when I’m on my own, I prefer to stick to my current diet for weight-loss purposes and don’t really want to explore culinary stuff just yet.
As for FaceTime, I’ve actually relented on that, and doing it is part of the plan for when Mom leaves. Still not a huge fan the second time I did it — starts and stops in conversation make me uncomfortable, the same with phone calls — but I’ve accepted that it’s as close of simulation to in-person interaction as I’m going to get. I’m praying that it gets easier as I go along.
I’m also trying puzzles with Mom even though I’ve said I wasn’t a fan. At the same time, I’m remembering why I don’t do puzzles, as I’ve almost cried a couple of times in frustration — not exaggerating, actually felt tears welling up. Again, I’m remembering why I was lukewarm at best about puzzles, but I’m going to give it a second puzzle — if we ever finish this one — before calling it quits for good because this one just has sooooo many different shades of brown that I’m willing to admit we may simply have started with a bad example. Might try adult coloring books instead if puzzles do indeed prove not to be my cup of tea. And I’m trying to get back into logic puzzles too.
Other hobbies… I’ve tried several of the most common hobbies multiple times and/or for a sustained period of time (yarn work and beadwork being two key examples), and I’ve proven mediocre at best and very frustrated by them. Gardening I’ve done in the past in Seattle. It’s not that I was bad at it, though I wasn’t stellar, but some did die due to insufficient watering up there. So I’m really worried whether what’d happen down here. Anyway, here in Arizona frankly I don’t want to waste water on non-native plants, given that I foresee a water shortage in the not-too-distant future (5ish years). I’d only want to use water if I were growing food. And I’m just not that into vegetables/salads/gourds. And those are the things I could most easily grow from what I can tell. I guess I could try growing strawberries though that would require me to build some beds, which just seems overwhelming at present, and also those take a couple of years to literally come to fruition in any meaningful way. But I’ll consider it in planting season next year.
Sewing… Beyond being avoidant of a sewing machine’s repeatedly jabbing needle that (rational or not, probably “not”) I’m convinced I’d manage to stick my finger under, I have no interest in making clothes and it’s too hot down here 8+ months of the year to need something like a quilt. Besides, the main issues I have with most productive hobbies I’ve tried is that I tend to miss small details — and those end up being big deals. It’s the same reason I stopped trying to rehab and resell furniture.
I could go on, but this comment is already excessively long. So hopefully you get the idea. There are very few things I’ve tried just once or very briefly, let alone have considered without actually trying, and decided just aren’t for me. (Except chickens. I definitely didn’t even bother giving that much thought because a) I don’t really eat eggs, b) don’t want to sell eggs to neighbors and c) feel like I have enough lives on my hands with just me and the cat.) Just because I have negative answers to most hobbies doesn’t mean I’ve dismissed them out of hand. I’ve given most serious consideration and/or attempts and concluded that they’re not for me.
Besides, plenty of people have just one hobby, and I blog. So I’m not sure why that doesn’t count in so many people’s minds. Admittedly, sometimes I even have to remind myself that it counts.
Anyway, I’m definitely going to read the article you linked to, for what it’s worth.
I personally am a glass half empty, self sabotaging, low self esteem gal. I have been finding silver linings here and there, but mostly want everyone to realize they are lucky (which you do, and you say this enough – but you also work hard – not luck there) and to just stay safe.
this is your blog, you have a therapist who you seem to have a good rapport with. if you wanted advice on how to change your outlook, you would ask for it! it’s ok that you’re not looking for silver linings, and you’re just trying to be yourself!
I think we all have to do what works best for us. Some people cope by seeing only the good, some by just focusing on the good, others look at both sides equally, and some see only the bad. As long as we’re still functional, whatever works for us… Well, it works for us.
I am sorry to hear about the self-sabotaging/low-self esteem thing. The latter is definitely something I work on a lot. And it seems I might need to work on the former? I guess I’ll have to keep an eye out. Take care of yourself. And yes, those of us who are lucky need to be aware of it — and we all need to stay safe, regardless of what our cities choose to do. (Inasmuch as some people are being given a choice when it comes to staying away from offices.)
Thank you!! You continue to take care of yourself too. I think if you think you self sabotage, work on it – or explore it if you want, but people shouldn’t just assume that you are doing x, y and z – you’re working on yourself quite well i think.
once we are functioning and actively working on ourselves that’s what matters. i think it just grinds my gears when people leave certain comments on your blog, we as readers only see a small glimpse!
Yes, once we can stay safe that is the most important thing!
Well, sometimes small glimpses are illuminating, but sometimes yeah they could obscure the real process (for better or worse). I’ll probably ask my therapist since I have an appointment coming up whether he’s noticed self-sabotage because then we could discuss ways to work on it if he comes up with examples.
I’m fairly optimistic, but when people point out ‘silver linings’ that are good for them, but catastrophic for others, it grinds my gears!
We have an intertwined economy, things ripple. Your super-low gas prices are someone else’s lay-off. You might be eating out less, good for your budget, but detrimental to small business.
I just want everyone to be thoughtful & kind, there’s a lot of people struggling right now.
I do think some kindness has been evoked in this crisis. Unfortunately, that puts the small percentage of truly selfish people into stark relief. It’s a mixed bag, as are most things.
I’m glad you’re fairly optimistic. If that’s what works for you, then that’s all that matters!
I’m an optimist.
Well, we definitely need some of you guys around to balance the rest of us out. It’s all about balance, really.
I also noticed an uptick in domestic violence or should I say arguments between couples especially living in an apartment complex but I’ve had to call the cops because one guys was yelling at the top of his lungs to his girlfriend. I don’t know what the situation is but at least the cops can cool off and separate people. I cant stand domestic violence or even child abuse. If it was me I would like someone to call the cops. It causes me so much anxiety to hear that. I know personally I gotten annoyed with small things more than once being in close quarters with my boyfriend. The longer this pandemic goes on the more even the nicest people will start to crack.
I also don’t want to be happy about the money saved from going out.
I also don’t want to want to be stressed about weight gain (which I have from March)
I also don’t want to be happy or thankful that I still have a job and income coming in when I know even my best friend and her partner don’t have no income as of now. Just a timely post Abby and really good read. Thank you for that
Glad you enjoyed the post! Also very, very glad you called the cops. Because screaming at someone is abusive, and no one should have to deal with that. And if he does that routinely, she’s not going to call the cops herself probably unless it escalates (and even then). I hope she finds herself a better guy.
I am generally a pessimist but I get annoyed when people accept the status quo on big political or social issues ( as in we will never get gun control , don’t count on social security, etc). If we all give up hope and expect the worse, then things will stay the same.
Middle class revolution recently posted…Backyard Landscaping Cost and other updates
So you’re a progressive pessimist, I guess? Haha. I’m not sure we’ll ever get gun control, but that won’t stop me voting for people I think have the best chance of getting it done and hoping fervently.
I’m convinced society needs both optimists and pessimists.
The trouble is, I’m not sure optimists understand why we need them. It isn’t to cheer other people up. It’s to take risks. For example, most businesses fail, but we want people to keep starting them!
Similarly, pessimists need to realize it’s not their job to convince others any specific impending disaster is probable. It’s their job to build resiliency into the system. For example, a personal finance blogger shouldn’t go around telling other people they might lose their job, but instead just emphasize the different ways emergency funds are great! That kind of pessimism doesn’t wear people down.
I certainly skew pessimistic in my outlook (though sometimes I’m just *realistic* and people don’t love my way of saying it). I do both the silver-lining finding thing and the focus-on-what-you-can-control thing to compensate a bit for, I hope I don’t come across as relentlessly negative (I probably did at one point in my life).
I don’t think you’re all that negative. You’re hard-nosed about spreading the word on Twitter about the realities of science/health stuff, but that’s just news that happens to be depressing. You’re not finding the depressing stuff in it. You’re just trying to educate people. So I’d call that being realistic for sure.
I love the point about society needing both optimists and pessimists! It’s true that if only realists and pessimists were around, no one would ever start a new business unless maybe they were already rich. And pessimists definitely need to maybe sure think about the worst outcomes but not scare the bejeezus out of everyone with that information all at once. Like you said, emphasize things necessary to avoid those worst-case scenarios they foresee.
I don’t really know whether to consider myself an optimist or pessimist or if those terms probably even matter since I largely have moments of both. I cried when I read about the ER doctor who survived covid and took her life. I read the VDH website daily and examine the numbers over numbers previously posted in my region and worry about my family. I am sad for people struggling. Does that make me a pessimist? I also put up a birdhouse that now has tenants that make me smile. I put a container garden on my porch and go to check on my plants wellbeing. I listen to music like Nichole Nordeman’s Sound of Surviving and sing and dance(mainly offkey). I watched Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist and reveled in the extraordinary cast and the extraordinary story. I’ve discovered I love Katherine Center’s writing and am hopefully looking forward to her July book release. Does that make me an optimist?
Ultimately what I’ve decided is to not label my behavior and just do the best I can taking things day by day. I think the best we can do these days is offer ourselves the same amount of kindness we’d offer others and just do the best you can go make it tomorrow.
I don’t think worry makes you a pessimist necessarily. I think pessimism is a bleak look at the future — especially if you don’t think there’s any hope. Also, I don’t think being moved by human interest stories (especially tragedies) keeps you from being classified as an optimist. That just makes you human.
You’re right that labels don’t necessarily matter in the end. We are who we are — whatever that looks like — and that’s about all that matters, as long as we’re still able to function in that mode. And I’m glad you’re finding good things amid the awfulness, even as you acknowledge it exists.
Incidentally, I may or may not have cried through most of the season finale of Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist.
I am an optimist married to a pessimist for nearly 50 years. Our children are one of each. My daughter always says she is just being a realist, but it certainly seems to me that her reality slides into negativity! Our son is much more optimistic and the pessimists in the family say that he and I look at the world through rose colored glasses. We all have our ways to cope with the world.
Hmmm that’s quite the interesting family dynamic. I suppose most pessimists consider themselves (ourselves?) to simply be being realistic. Whether they/we are or not… That’s a whole post unto itself, I’m sure. Maybe a whole book.
Like you said, we all cope however works for us. I’m glad you’re pretty accepting of your daughter’s and husband’s different views and they seem pretty accepting of yours, aside from the occasional rose-colored glasses remark.
My husband & I joke that I can find the silver lining in (nearly) any cloud, while he enjoys the dark fluffy cloud wrapped around every silver lining! But over the years I’ve been learning to give him space when he’s in the mood for a gloomy wallow; he’s been learning to apologize if he rained too hard on my parade. And the world needs both our viewpoints.
I think that sounds like a great balance for a relationship!
I’m a pragmatic pessimist.
I have next to zero faith in other people (friends and chosen family are not “other people” of course) but I also care about systemic issues and things out of my control that I think need to be better. Even if I have no faith, I’m still going to work for better.
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life recently posted…Money & Life Report: April 2020
As long as we’re working for change — or at least funding people who are — I think we’ll be okay. I hope. We’ll see.
Pessimist all the way. I’ve tried the other side and it just didn’t stick. I do often wish I could be of an optimist – more for mental health reasons. It’s the same reason I wish I was religious. Ignorance and denial really are bliss. Alas, it’s not for me. When I think about how insignificant our lives truly are in the vastness of the universe, it becomes abundantly clear how meaningless everything is and that death is the great equalizer. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t fear death. It’s the natural order of life. My husband argues that if everything in the grand scheme of things is meaningless and you only get one shot at this, then why not be positive and happier? But happiness isn’t our main driving force; it’s survival and procreation. The universe doesn’t care about our feelings. So I think to be someone different would mean going against my nature and my intellect.
Well, it’s certainly difficult to go against one’s own nature, so I can’t fault you there. I guess in the end, whatever works best for you is what you have to go with. I don’t know whether I could survive with quite that bleak a view — but will also readily admit that it’s probably due more to denial than rationality — but I’m glad you know yourself well enough to know what works best.
And yeah, sometimes I wish I were religious too. I think it’d make me more of an optimist for sure.