When I lamented on Saturday that I had no idea what to write about — everything seems so trivial right now, compared to the pandemic, civil unrest and rollback of healthcare protections for LGBTQ — someone suggested I do a dating post because those had always been fun in the past.
Well…
I said that I totally would — if there were anything to talk about. But the fact is that I haven’t had a dating life since mid-March.
It’s not just because my asthmatic, 62-year-old mom was here up until 10 days ago, and I was worried about bringing COVID-19 back to her.
No, it’s because Arizonans, by and large, are being idiots in the face of a pandemic. So I can’t trust someone on a dating app not to be meeting with an untold number of other people.
That was a fear even when new case numbers were “only” around 200-300 a day. Now that things are significantly scarier here — especially as a nightlife of some sort seems to have resumed for far too many people — that’s even more of a worry.
Some would-be contenders
I have one guy I was talking to pre-pandemic who has wanted to meet for a while. He says he’s playing it safe, wearing a mask and not going out much.
But who knows if I can believe him? And I haven’t even asked how many other women he’s talking to/meeting — and I don’t know whether I should believe him if he said “none.”
It doesn’t help that he tried to argue the actual likelihood of my getting sick. Which was a bad enough sign, but he did so by taking the number of cases and dividing it by the whole state’s population. That’s not how you figure that particular probability, and makes me think he’s not taking the pandemic seriously.
So he’s pretty much out.
Another guy who I’d had one date with shortly before the lockdown has messaged a couple of times. He’s been working from home and not going out, so I would probably have been willing to have over… Until he suggested that, once the bars reopen, we meet for a second date.
A bar? Are you kidding me? Major red flag.
And when I mentioned that, given the circumstances, I needed someone who wasn’t seeing a bunch of people, he replied that with the bars closed, he wasn’t meeting people. Which kind of suggests that when the bars reopen for business, so would he.
Then he said he couldn’t wait until the gyms reopened. I’d forgotten he was a dedicated gym-goer. Three strikes and you’re out, bud.
One possibility… maybe
I’ve been in sporadic contact with a guy I saw a few times before the world imploded. He wasn’t really seeing anyone else even before all this, and like me he hasn’t bothered with dating apps out of infection concerns.
As for risk, he says he wears a mask at work — which is mainly in the open air — and has spent his free time hiking or reading. In other words, he has no interest in going out into the public unnecessarily.
I consider him trustworthy, so I believe that he’s taking those precautions. Though I’d feel better if he were someone working from home — and who lived by himself. (He shares a place with his sister and her fiancé.)
He and I have talked tentatively about having him come over, but we’re both somewhat hesitant, especially while case numbers are so high. His wariness makes him more trustworthy, of course, but… I don’t know.
App danger
What’s scary is that I’m sure the dating apps are still plenty popular. Yeah, most of them are now trying to popularize the idea of virtual dates. And that’s lovely in theory, but are you going to only virtual-date until a vaccine is created? Really?
And of course, some people aren’t looking for a relationship. So virtual dating is pointless, and that’s not while they’re there.
Plus, as already mentioned, plenty of people are being idiotically cavalier about resuming normal life. So I’m sure there are still plenty of hookups or at least first dates going on — the latter probably at a bar or restaurant. And models have shown that those establishments’ A/C systems spread the virus around like crazy.
An example of idiocy
I have a friend whose friend had to kick out her live-in tenants for carelessness. They were each having multiple partners over. Even if she weren’t concerned about herself, the woman has a small child with a health condition. So out they went.
And sure enough, about a week after they got kicked out, the tenants tested positive for COVID-19. So their partners and their partners’ other partners (they’re part of the polyamorous community) were almost certainly infected too.
So many obstacles
At some point, I guess you take a calculated risk or are otherwise alone — without any human physical contact — for the next year or so while they work on a successful vaccine. Realistically, that’s too much to ask of most people. That’s probably why apparently some European countries have asked their citizens to be careful and choose just one partner — two max.
But if you’re being safe enough not to go out to bars or restaurants, where are you meeting these people? Again, you can’t really trust strangers on apps. Half the point of the apps is having multiple matches.
And even if you do find someone you trust on there — specifically, who you trust not to be meeting/sleeping with other people — where do you meet for the first time?
I’m a firm believer in not inviting someone you haven’t met in person to your house. So I guess you meet in the park and take a walk? In Arizona summers, that’s problematic. And summer temps last til about mid-October here.
One real-life example
I have a friend who is still semi-active on dating apps just to see who’s out there. “Semi-active” in that he doesn’t have the best luck with them. So he’s trying not to get too excited about a recent match, lest she ghost him. But anyway, apparently she seems cool, and she isn’t meeting people yet because she lives with her mom and is concerned about bringing COVID back with her.
Which is great, in that he can trust she’s not dating a ton of people and risking infection. But then, I asked him, how long was she thinking they’d talk before she felt comfortable meeting? He said he honestly had no clue.
So…
I guess there’s really no answer to be had. Except, again, to be extremely selective and then take a calculated risk.
Or to settle in for celibacy and skin hunger for the next year-ish. Not an appealing prospect. Then again, neither is being on a ventilator.
Are you single, or do you have friends who are? What’s the solution you/they have cooked up?
Here are seven ideas for remote dating: https://www.businessinsider.com/virtual-dating-id…
Maybe you could virtually date until you find out whether or not you can trust the guy.
Thanks for the link. Unfortunately, it’s hard to get a good sense of someone til you meet in person (at least in my experience on dating apps). That’s doubly true when it comes to how much of their life they’re sharing with you inre: going out, let alone going out with multiple people.
Also, even if I did find someone who seemed trustworthy and was obviously staying in (which is hard to gauge, really, because they can tell you anything), there’s still the problem of where on earth I’d meet him for a first date. Can’t do bars/restaurants. It’s too hot to meet for a walk until around 10 p.m. and I’m not meeting anyone for the first time at that hour and wandering a park or whatever. And no way I’m inviting anyone directly to my house or going to his without meeting in person.
The other issue is that, while the tips are useful for people looking build something long-term, I really still don’t think I want the emotional weight of a relationship. My picker is still off when it comes to getting serious with someone (as evidenced by Darryl and that debacle).
I guess never say never, but I feel like virtual dating is just best for people looking for commitment. Which isn’t me at the moment. But hey maybe that’ll change over time, in which case I guess I can head back to the dating sites/apps.
But I feel tired at just the thought of wading through a veritable crap ton of people who are back to dating/living as normal. And the problem with dismissing those matches as I find out they’re going out is that, if/when things go back to normal, we might be a good match for casual dating, even if they’re acting stupidly now. Or maybe that *should* rule them out forever, but I don’t know right now.
I think it’s difficult to tell at the beginning of a relationship how things will end. I feel you did the right things with Darryl and it just didn’t work out. Sometimes bad things happen and we just need to grieve and then move on.
If you’re feeling tired at the thought of online dating at the moment, I think maybe you should consider giving it a break for awhile until you feel better? I believe that when I feel tired at the thought of doing some activity, it’s time for a break to refresh. Then later, you can come back to it with more energy. I feel this is especially important for an activity that may impact your health, with the pandemic.
Eh, I knew going in that Darryl and I had no future, but I went ahead with it anyway. He actually proved to be an increasingly bad boyfriend, despite insisting when we weren’t serious that he’d treat me well. (Someone later pointed out that the guys who treat you well just do. They don’t brag about it. Lesson learned.)
And I’ve already had a 3-month break from online dating, so taking a break isn’t the issue. It’s not the thought of online dating that tires me out per se. Just wading through the number of guys who are probably back to life as normal. Who might be good post-pandemic but for now… No. Do I really want to burn through them now and not match up later when life is back to normal?
And I just don’t really “get” virtual dates. It can be difficult to tell whether you’ll be attracted to the guy in person, since guys are obviously cherry picking their pictures and those pics could be out of date. And again, my concern is that the whole point of a dating site is to make multiple matches, so there’s just no telling how many women these guys would be meeting. Even if they’re virtual dating at first, they’re probably still meeting *some* women in person. (And also, do I just wait until “the one” seems to come along? Especially when I don’t really want to meet “the one.” And how many guys is it safe to meet if the first guy I take that risk with proves disappointing in person?) And once again: Where would we meet for an in-person date once we decided the other person was trustworthy?
But anyway, we’ll see how things go. If I do decide to try virtual dating, I guess I’d try a regular dating site, where guys looking for hookups — ie guys meeting plenty of people and not being careful — are less frequent. But then we’re back to the issue of whether I want anything approaching a relationship. Maybe due to the lack of options to date around I’d be okay getting in one, but I don’t think my heart would be in it. And that’s not fair to the guy.
I was on Hinge right before everything went left with Covid19. One guy was super young, I wish I had messaged him earlier to get my freak on. Another guy seemed nice, but lost it on me when I was going to a soca fete (like scarily lost it on me)
Other guys who were texting me, I would not have seen them even if things were normal. I feel you, I don’t wanna wade through random dudes right now, if I cannot see them face to face. Many of them are not worth the bare effort that would be required, TBH!
Ouch, sorry you missed your window! There are just so many unknowns. Even guys who *seem* trustworthy could just be good liars. I guess since we’d be forced to meet outdoors (in AZ summer temps, ugh) the exposure risk would be less. And we can both wear masks obviously, but it just seems like that would interrupt some of the attraction I’d feel toward the guy and vice versa.
But also… What’s an acceptable number of people to meet? You can’t really expect the guy to ONLY meet you in person. Or even if he does, what if there’s just no chemistry in person (especially through masks)? How many times do you chance it? What if he seems like a nice guy but ghosts you after you sleep together? Then you’ve had considerable exposure for nothing. So many uncertainties to be had!
I agree with everything you have said. I cannot be certain of anything, but for now if someone can at least give me good conversation, maybe as things ease up here in Toronto I would meet up with someone – I usually don’t talk to multiple guys at the same time – but I can also now keep myself busy otherwise 😀 i just wanted a few rounds with a younger and taller guy *sigh* (i told him if after covid he still thinks i am fine, he call let me know)
Yeah I get cautiously meetings if it’s just with one person. And hey I don’t think most single people are getting any so chances are he’ll still be available as things settle down in your area. I wish you many happy rounds with a tall youngin’!
I’m just curious about how this will work going forward? Just no dating until a vaccine is reached? What if you meet six feet apart while wearing masks? Which doesn’t make more a romantic or sexy first date but I don’t think being alone, living alone, and no dating is a good recipe for people who need some person to person contact. Eventually we all are going to take risks but I understand the underlying medical conditions and how sick this could really make you so it’s a very hard situation. The only thing I could remotely think of is to interact with people that you’ve already met then you would have been previously exposed to but I don’t think that would work because the blog above explains it. I know here in Hawaii they had drive in movie special which sold out in minutes but that seems to negate the six feet apart if your in the same car and separate cars what’s the point? As this goes on longer and longer it will get harder. Keep us updated.
Yeah, it’s all pretty confusing. My first date would definitely include masks, which would probably not be great for in-person chemistry on either end. I guess you can verify over the phone that you’re attracted to their face. But you know… Some of those photos are pretty out of date (especially now that so many people have gained pandemic weight — I would definitely need to take some new shots) and video chatting is generally only from the neck up. So what if you go through all of the trouble of getting to know each other and then find out one or both of you have gained enough pandemic weight that you’re not attracted to each other? Superficial, but it does matter to an extent.
And yeah, a drive-in would be no good… Maybe with masks and the windows rolled down. Which you can’t really do in AZ heat. Also it’s just not good to run the car (needed for the A/C) for hours. I guess you could go to a museum or something. There probably aren’t a ton of people there. But I think mainly I’d have to just say vaguely that there’s a park near my house (they don’t need to know I’m right next to it) and we should meet for a stroll or something. In 100-112 degree heat. Fun.
So I don’t know what the answer is. Singlehood/celibacy for a year is doable but unappealing. So I guess like everything else during this time it’s about making compromises and taking calculated risks. And hoping for the best.
I don’t see any way around it – even if you could meet in person, I don’t see it being possible to assess chemistry in a mask/at six feet. I know skin hunger is a thing but I think you’re going to have better luck with a massage, when that feels like an option.
Fortunately for me I’m really comfortable with being single, because I don’t see any way to meet a new person organically, and online dating seems impossible for all the reasons you listed!
Good point about massages ameliorating skin hunger, at least to an extent. I actually booked my first one for next week. But if cases keep going crazy, I might chicken out. I guess we’ll see!
It’s all so complicated! I wish I had good useful ideas to share but I think the other single folks in my life are also all hunkered down just working through the spikes and trying to wait it out. It sucks 🙁
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life recently posted…Money & Life Report: May 2020
Yeah hunkering down seems like the best option, especially right this moment. We’ll see how case numbers go (up, I’m sure) and decide from there I guess.
I just discovered your blog! I agree with hunkering down and waiting this out. I am trying to think of it as a nice excuse for a long break given that online dating can be exhausting 🙂 Lots of lovely solitude activities to do instead!
I’m not great with solitude, but FaceTimeing with Mom and my trivia group helps. Plus a socially distanced visit with a friend once a week. And far, far too much work on puzzles.
And yes, online dating can be exhausting. If you need a laugh, look up my posts about my Tinder adventures. They proved pretty amusing (more in retrospect, though).