At this point, I feel like most of my OKCupid interactions end with my thinking, “Well, at least this will make a good blog post.”
Here’s what’s been happening in my would-be love life.
The unavailable mask-doubter
People following my spending diaries have seen mention of a 41 year old. Well… Turns out that’s not gonna work out.
We saw each other once, and it went well. Though it turned out that, despite his protestations otherwise in an earlier conversation, he was rather unimpressed by COVID-19 — even if he was following the social distancing/mask rules.
For example, he tried to tell me there were peer-reviewed studies proving that masks are bad for you. Sigh.
I said, “No, there aren’t. And at any rate, the WHO and CDC are both recommending them.”
“Oh the WHO and CDC?” he said, rubbing his fingers together to indicate money.
“What’s this?” I said, mimicking his motion. “Do you think they’re somehow in the pocket of Big Mask?”
He dropped it after that.
Since we, um, got along well otherwise and I’d already been exposed to any cooties he had and knew he was at least being careful (if only for the sake of the rules) I decided to just see how it went. Also, the thought of getting back on the dating site and sorting through even more men seemed exhausting.
I didn’t see him again for a full week and barely talked to him in that time. He runs his own business (social media marketing), and he got very busy.
The next time we saw each other, we avoided COVID talk so that my head wouldn’t explode. And we had a nice time. Unfortunately, he was planning a trip to the East Coast, which I also didn’t love for obvious reasons. But he was going to see his father who isn’t in good health — though isn’t that a good reason not to go? — so I guessed I couldn’t begrudge him too much.
A few days went by, so I asked whether he was on the East Coast. No response for multiple days. So I messaged again to see if I should be concerned. I’d told him I had been ghosted a lot this year. He replied quickly that no, he was just super busy (and not on the East Coast yet).
About another week went by. No messages, no indication of wanting to meet or whether he was finally on his trip. Ugh.
I messaged him to say that I was concerned how busy he was. That I’d been pretty clear I’d wanted a guy who was relatively available. I said I absolutely understood he had a business to run and that needed to take priority. But unless the recent too-busy schedule was a blip, maybe this just wasn’t a good fit. It was wordier than that (because I’m me) but that was the gist.
He wrote back to what was essentially a yes/no question with the fact that he’d “take it under advisement” (???) since he was finally on the East Coast and would be there for “at least a few weeks.” (!!!)
I mulled it over for the better part of another week, and I really didn’t like the ambiguity of that last bit. Exactly how long did he expect me to wait around for him to get back here — all while having to hope that he’d be more available upon his return?
And that was when I realized that was the problem: He wasn’t respecting my time.
I understand that I have an almost obscene amount of free time. I’m happy to work around schedules that are busier than mine, since that’s just about every single one.
But that’s not what was happening. Instead, he was treating me as though, since I had all this free time, it was fine to just leave me hanging with no idea when I’d see him next.
So I sent him a message saying basically that I didn’t think this was a good fit. He was fun, but I needed someone more available and apparently he wasn’t even sure when he’d be back in the city, let alone have time to see me regularly. I said that I thought it was just basically a “Call me when the pandemic is over, and we can see more than one person.” situation.
And then with a deep, deep sigh, I got back on the dating app.
The fungus-obsessed mansplainer
I was texting with a 39 year old, and among other things I explained that I was a little paranoid about COVID exposure. This turned into me giving him a brief overview of the Guillain-Barre incident and that it left me with chronic fatigue.
We talked a bit more and… Then things went off the rails.
To preface: Yes, we were talking somewhat about sex. Because right now you have to try to determine all compatibility before you meet and expose yourself to that person’s potential cooties. Fun times.
So here’s the incredibly problematic conversation that ensued.
First of all, he called it a vajayjay. Multiple times.
Second, well… I’ll spare you the exact details of what he said a healthy aroused “vajayjay” should be but “odorless” was mentioned.
Third, he asserted that most women don’t know how to keep a properly balanced “vajayjay” — then he added “(pH)” in case I was unclear what he meant and was I guess thinking of a vagina on a high wire — and so they were prone to “re occuring” UTIs and yeast infections. Because the poor balance would result in Candida overgrowth.
But right after that he said “It’s always bacterial.” And Candida is a fungus so…
He then asserted that UTIs are usually caused by an overgrowth of Candida. In fact, this is usually the exception. (I looked it up during the conversation.) Most are caused by E. Coli bacteria, which I told him. He then replied that “Both cause UTIs.”
He rambled a bit more and mentioned that doctors only treat bacterial issues, not fungus. Actually, in my experience, UTI tests include determining the cause of the infection — and for me it’s always been E. coli.
But hey, what do I know? I’ve just had a series of recurring UTIs — despite drinking a ton of water, never waiting to pee and even resorting to a cranberry supplement — including one UTI that hospitalized me. He, on the other hand, has a penis. So I will obviously have to defer to him on this one.
He then said that fungus causes many issues, “neological too.” Which I assume was in reference to my story about my neurological illness. Which, again, I’d told him was temporary and more than 20 years ago.
He repeatedly referred to my “medical issues.” But he never answered directly when I asked what he was talking about. He just said fungus was the cause of many things, doctors were leading me on a wild goose chase, yada yada.
He then called doctors a a bunch of shoemakers, which I had to look up later because I’d never heard that one before and thought maybe footwear specialists were reviled and no one told me. Or that, given his spelling issues, he was going for “Shoemachers” and it was an anti-Semitic “all doctors are Jewish” thing.
But apparently it actually stems from kitchen slang for someone who cuts corners and others does a half-ass job. So at least I learned something from this exchange.
His next statement was that prednisone is horrible for the immune system. Um… yes. It’s a steroid, and steroids’ purpose is to suppress the immune system. So I’m not really sure what his point was there. Not sure he did either because he never mentioned prednisone again or tie it to fungus in any way.
At this point, by the way, I was screenshotting the conversation and tweeting it. Because it was too good/awful not to share.
Next he told me that fungus hides in the lymph nodes, “mucuous” membranes, nerves and blood stream and muscles too. I said that I didn’t understand why he’d decided to lecture me on medicine, let alone women’s medicine.
Which is when he assured me that it was not a lecture. It was for me. If I want to get well. But he’s not telling me what to do. And to please not take it personally or turn it into an argument.
I said there was nothing to get well from because I wasn’t sick. “Ok then.” So I said no, I was genuinely confused. What condition was I getting to the bottom of/getting well from?
“No need to get to the bottom of anything. U r not sick. Void everything we discussed.”
I said I was very confused by the conversation.
“Sorry. I’m glad u r well.”
And then the devastating news came:
“Sorry I think you are a nice person however we would not be a good fit. Just being honest. Good luck.”
Obviously, I started mourning our would-be relationship immediately. But I briefly took a break to let him know that a) I completely agreed about compatibility and b) if he had been referring to my chronic fatigue, that was caused by neurological damage and wasn’t fungal.
He told me fungus was the source and to trust him.
“To neurological damaged caused by a neurological disease that attacks nerves?”
He then explained that I’d been brainwashed by my physicians and there are only a few things that cause problems in the body: virus, bacteria, yeast, fungus, molds, mildew and parasites. (Yeast, molds and mildew are fungus though?)
So, he said, the doctors just gave what I had a name but failed to get to the source. But again, not to take his word for it. He didn’t know anything. At the end of the day, it was my body and life, I was an adult. I knew what I had to do. Peace out.
Yes, his last words to me were “Peace out.”
I think it goes without saying that I’m still getting over him. But one day I’ll heal enough to put myself back out there.
The idiotic liar
I told this guy — an ASU student — that I was concerned about COVID exposure levels for whichever guy I met. He let me know that all of his classes are virtual. Then he said his apartment building was offering free weekly tests.
Then — and I cannot stress enough that I didn’t ask him — he told me the name of the complex.
Obviously, it seemed highly unlikely that an apartment complex would pay for weekly tests. Or even bother to organize free testing through the local county or whatever.
So I did the only logical thing and called the leasing office. No answer, so I emailed them as a potential tenant. I asked if they had any one-bedroom units available and whether it was true they did free testing. (Yeah, I feel slightly bad for wasting their time, but the whole thing couldn’t have taken them more than 10 minutes.)
A leasing agent got back to say that as far as she knew they weren’t doing tests, and that she was attaching some floorplans.
I asked, since she didn’t seem sure, if there was anyone she could doublecheck with since one of their residents assured me they did. She got back to me about an hour later and said they definitely don’t offer that option.
So I wrote to the guy and said that I’d confirmed his testing story wasn’t true, and I needed a guy I could trust.
He wrote back saying, “Well maybe not weekly but here” and sent a screenshot of a group message that mentioned expecting to take a test “again.”
Alas, he’d continued his idiocy by leaving the sender’s name visible. So of course I looked her up.
According to LinkedIn, she’s a business school student who works for Amazon Prime. So the only thing I could think — since he very clearly said his apartment building, not school or club, was testing — was that she’s also a resident of his building. But why would a resident be in charge of that? Especially if the leasing agents were unaware of the free testing — which would be far too big a perk to not have them advertise to potential tenants.
Anyway, when he sent the screenshot, he said that he’d actually still want to also see women his own age, so he didn’t think this was going to work out. Since we’d already talked about my requiring monogamy and him seemingly having no problem with it, I think it was just his way of saving face.
Moral of the story: If you’re going to lie, never give anything more than the basic details unless specifically asked. And edit the sender on any email/message screenshots.
Okay so… The start of this is a bit murky because apparently it was shortly after I met the 41 year old for the first time.
As best I can tell, a couple days after meeting the 41 year old (who we’re going to call Frank in this tale), I’d swiped on a guy from the app and sent an intro. But when I got a message back from him later, I distinctly remember telling myself not to open it and really wanting to open it. So I must’ve played around on the app out of boredom and then realized that it wasn’t fair to Frank.
Anyway, when Frank didn’t pan out, I messaged this guy (39) back (along with a few others) and added, “Sorry for the delay, I took a break from the app.”
He replied that in other words, I met some guy and he sucked and now I was back.
I said haha well the guy didn’t suck; he was just super unavailable but otherwise yeah. Then I asked if he’d met anyone interesting — or hilariously terrible — off the app.
He responded nah but that he liked being right. Presumably about my having met someone and it not working out. So I said well yeah it’s a dating app, why pretend you’ve never talked to or met anyone else?
He then said he just thought getting ghosted mid-conversation while someone else “got the goods” blows.
To review: I sent him one message. He replied only a couple of hours later, and I didn’t get back to him. Apparently that’s “mid-conversation” to him. Also: “got the goods.” Blech.
But I figured I’d see if he got better. Because he was hot and I was bored.
We talked a little bit more and he said he was sorry it didn’t work out with “Brad.” I said “Haha, Frank, actually” and changed the subject.
I asked what he was looking for and he said, “Considering Frank already got the goods, nothing serious.”
Like… what goods did this guy think Frank “got”? Did he think Frank took my virginity? That my vagina was a finite resource and had evaporated?
So I said that it was nothing serious with Frank either, described what I was looking for and then said basically “Look, if you’re just giving me a hard time about Frank fine. But if you’re genuinely upset that I chose to meet a guy I’d talked to for two weeks before ever seeing your profile then let me know because I don’t want to waste my time or yours.”
He dropped it after that, but then he suggested we meet. We’d been chatting for maybe 15 minutes. Yet another red flag.
But again: bored. So I explained that I wanted to get to know a guy before meeting. We chatted more and even switched to texting. After a little bit, I called it a night.
He texted in the morning, and pretty quickly said again that we should meet. His excuse was that it was his birthday that weekend. *Eye roll* I reiterated that I needed to get to know a guy, so we went back to chatting.
Except he asked zero questions in return. No even a “You?” to his answers. So eventually I said that it seemed like he had zero actual interest in knowing me at all. He replied that texts were just impersonal and agreed when I suggested a video chat.
However, he didn’t reply when I asked about his schedule. Well, not until 5 p.m. (the last message was at 10 a.m.), at which point he didn’t reference times to chat and just said it’d been a hectic day.
I told him that I’d just been mansplained yeast infections and UTIs, so I thought I won. (And then had to explain mansplaining to him.) He said that was definitely an odd strategy to get in my pants and moved on to why his day had been hectic. I replied, but he didn’t respond to that for the rest of the night.
I was pretty much off of him, so I didn’t bother to text the following day. I figured if he were interested, he’d message me and we’d go from there. Didn’t hear from him all day — until 15 minutes into my 7 p.m. video call with another guy, of course.
He messaged to see what I was doing. By which I mean I got a whopping “Wyd” text.
I obviously couldn’t answer, and the call ended up very long. So two hours after the first message, I was still on the call, and he texted “Lame” — even though he would’ve seen his previous messages hadn’t even been read yet.
A moment later, he messaged “F–ing Frank.” (I was increasingly sure he was drunk.)
When I finally got off the call, I messaged him, “I was on a call, chill.”
In return I got “Meh.”
I had no idea what I was supposed to do with that, so I started getting ready for bed, at which point I got, “I’m a huge fan of the read and no response.”
So I replied “What the f— am I supposed to say to ‘Meh’? [Laugh-crying emoji] I’m not even sure what you’re ‘meh’-ing about.”
“The fact that I had to bait u into a response.”
“‘Bait me?'” I asked. I then proceeded to tell him that I’d texted him right after getting off the call and briefly answering a few friends’ messages. Then added:
“You seem to feel weirdly entitled to my attention, dude. You’re angry that I didn’t text you back when I was on a call, and initially you were upset that I had chosen to meet someone else because I had sent you exactly one message as an introduction? I say again: chill.”
He answered nastily that it was fine, I could play my card and act entitled because guys were sending me dick pics. (They weren’t?) And I could, ahem, be with the Franks of the world and live unfulfilled.
He still doesn’t seem to have opened my last message, but I’m quite satisfied with it:
“Ain’t you just a charmer? I’m going to bed and I suggest you sleep it off. Come back when you realize that no woman ‘owes’ you anything even if she converses with you and certainly not when she sent just one single message, which in your mind still apparently claimed her in the name of [Caveman]. Grow the f— up, man.”
I think that about sums things up, no?
So the search continues. There are currently two contenders.
One is was also a 23-year-old PhD mechanical engineering student. He’s smart, continually compliments me (even when I was video chatting with him unshowered, in my glasses, a ponytail and sports bra) and seems fun. He’s also looking for nothing too serious, but still some companionship rather than just a physical thing.
Unfortunately, it turns out he doesn’t have a car and lives 20 miles away. And even if I were willing to drive to Tempe multiple times a week (I’m not), he has roommates.
He offered to Uber here, but that would be $35-45 (before tip) each time. Meanwhile, I want someone I can see at least twice a week. He’s insisted repeatedly he doesn’t mind the expense when I expressed concern.
But I’m not sure I’m comfortable with a guy spending that much to see me. My friend Leila says that it’s not my responsibility to govern how he spends his money. And as she put it, “So let him pay to sex you up! Wait…”
I told him to give me a few days to mull it over.
There’s also a 36 year old — the guy I had the three-hour video call with Saturday when The Caveman texted. He’s cute, nice, not looking for a relationship (he’s relatively newly out of one), but does want some companionship, not just physical.
Also, at the end of our first video chat, he mentioned our “next” one rather than just saying, “Okay, we did this. Can we meet now?” Also also, he’s Israeli so he’s got a sexy accent, which isn’t the worst thing in the world.
Our next chat was Tuesday night. And ran four and a half hours somehow. We’d discussed meeting in that one — we’ve talked enough and he’s expressed enough concern about safety that I think I feel comfortable with him — but his last text mentioned our next chat. So I’m not sure what’s going to happen. And given my dating luck this year — not just pandemic dating, but the whole year — I trust nothing.
Anyone else trying to date? Anyone want to take bets on how long the next video call with the 36 year old would go?
Related reading (laugh at my pain!):