I know I just did one of these last week. But so much has happened since the stuff in that post that I have to do another one.
Anyway, I wouldn’t say I’ve given up. But good lord it feels like the hits keep coming.
I did everything right, folks.
I found a cute, funny, even relatively age-appropriate guy (six years younger). We had two video chats. The first one lasted three hours. The second lasted four and a half.
He was more or less housebound and very concerned about COVID. He agreed that most people weren’t taking it seriously, and that their attitude was terrifying.
He was just out a seven-year relationship, so like me, he wasn’t looking for anything too serious. But he did want some actual company, not just physical.
And even after our second video chat, he referenced our next one. So he wasn’t in any way pushing to meet the way, oh, pretty much every other guy I’ve talked to has.
He was just about perfect — except for the fact that he planned on visiting his parents in Israel for a few weeks. But I figured that while it would he could quarantine when he was back. And while I think it’s dangerous to visit older people right now, I also get being concerned about maybe never seeing your older parents again.
So we met.
He’s only been in the country for 13 years, so there are a lot of movies he hasn’t seen. Thus I showed him My Best Friend’s Wedding, which he enjoyed.
Then the movie was over. And he started talking. And it all fell apart.
He said that he’d been thinking, and he wasn’t sure he could promise monogamy.
I said that this would have been nice for him to bring up during the seven and a half hours we video chatted. He apologized and said it was mostly something he’d been thinking about that day and maybe the wine had brought his concerns up even more.
He was afraid that just seeing one person would lead to attachment, and he was in no way ready for that. He suggested that if I were amenable to moving forward, he would obviously always let me know if he’d met someone new, so I could stay away. And that I’d obviously do the same.
I said uh no.
First of all, even if I wanted to operate that way, that would lead to him meeting someone, my biding time by maybe meeting someone (restarting the clock) then maybe him doing the same until we saw each other super sporadically.
More importantly, I didn’t want to go meeting other people. I wanted one guy I could count on not to be meeting new folks. Besides, I told him, they’re estimating that as many as 40% of cases are asymptomatic. Meaning that the two-week wait didn’t actually guarantee safety.
I agreed that attachment is always a danger for either side. But in that case you just have a very crappy conversation of “Okay, I guess we need to call it quits.” And it hurts, but oh well. It’s better than risking exposure with multiple people.
He kept saying that he just couldn’t say for sure what would happen. I pointed out that he doesn’t work outside the house and isn’t going to bars, clubs, the gym or even restaurants other than takeout. So unless he was actively on the dating app, it’s not like he’d be meeting new people and just oops, have sex with them.
In other words, he’d have to actively be looking. So no, it’s not a “I’m bandied about by the winds of fate” scenario. Either he’d be meeting people because he was looking, or he wouldn’t be meeting people.
We went back and forth a bit, and he was apologetic since I was obviously very annoyed that he hadn’t brought any of this up before we risked exposure.
I honestly don’t even think this was him trying to play the field, as one friend suggested. I think he was genuinely terrified of getting too attached to one person. His relationship before this last one was five years and apparently there wasn’t much of a gap between the two. So clearly he’s a serial monogamist. And apparently the breakup was more recent than I initially thought. Like two or three weeks, max.
I sent him a text in the morning. I said I got where he was coming from. That attachment is always a danger. But that I think risk of hospitalization vastly outweighs the risk of a very unpleasant “Well, one or both of us are starting to develop feelings, which we didn’t sign up for and we need to stop seeing each other” conversation. I said that I think he’s simply too freshly out of a relationship to see that right now. Because when you’re right off a breakup, it’s hard to know what you need/want even without a pandemic in play.
I concluded by saying that, since he was leaving shortly for a trip, he should do some more thinking during that. If he comes around to my way of thinking (which, since he isn’t stupid and is clearly aware that COVID is serious stuff, I think he will once he can calm down a bit from the breakup), he should just get back to me after he’s been back for a bit.
I made it clear that I wasn’t going to stop looking in the meantime, but given how bad my dating luck has been this year, I had no idea what things would be like in six or seven weeks (he’d have to quarantine once he was back, after all). If I was available, we could talk.
This refers to the 23-year-old PhD student.
I was already skeptical because this is the guy with no car, who planned to Uber to me multiple times a week. Minimum $15 each way. No way that’s going to last long-term.
But given that he was smart, cute, had a brain and routinely told me I was hot (even when I was in my glasses, a messy ponytail and a sports bra), I decided to give him a chance. I made it clear that I’d just seen someone else, but the youngin’ wasn’t concerned. And I know the other guy had been basically at home almost exclusively except for groceries. So I wasn’t too worried.
It’s… not going to work out.
First, of all, conversation was a bit more stilted than I had hoped. It was a little awkward on video chat, but I’d hoped that was just the format. It was not. Conversation, such as it was, was halting and just didn’t flow.
In addition, I’d made it clear that I was interested in companionship among other things, and he’d assured me he wasn’t just after physical. But he was only here about 90 minutes. Then he had to meet his roommates.
To be fair, they’re furnishing a new place, and it was the only day all of them were off. But in that case, he should’ve scheduled another time.
Also, I’d said I wanted someone I could see at least twice a week. But as he was leaving, he said he probably couldn’t see me again until next weekend thanks to having to get started on a new project. He said he’s always very busy Monday to Wednesday, somewhat less so on Thursday and Friday and free Saturday/Sunday.
That doesn’t sound like twice a week is going to be very viable. I’m very tired of guys saying whatever they need to to meet up, guys.
And finally, um… Let’s just say there was some stuff in… other areas. Nothing completely crazy enough to worth getting smutty for (sorry), but just… I don’t think we’re a good match. Let’s leave it at that.
The blast from the past
I was headed to bed Saturday night, and I got a text. I actually said out loud, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Remember the guy who’d say he was going to shower and then come over and then ghosted? This is the same guy who, three weeks later, texted at 11 p.m. on a Sunday saying that he knew it was late but he wanted to “rekindle this connection.” (I’d texted when he ghosted that if his social anxiety were acting up, to let me know when he felt better and we could talk. I hadn’t meant almost a month later.)
When I’d gotten the “rekindle” message the next morning, I texted back asking okay, well what’d happened because that was pretty awful of him. No response, not even showing as read. But I figured since it was a short message, he would’ve read it on the lock screen.
The next day I sent a “?” to make sure he knew it wasn’t a rhetorical question.
Still no response — not showing as read.
I’d initially really liked this guy — he was cute, smart and super careful about exposure, even getting his groceries delivered rather than going out — so I figured eh what the hell, I’d give him one last chance not to be an irredeemable jerk and see if he could explain himself.
So a few days later I sent one last text. I said I guessed either he’d lost interest or thought the question was me shooting him down. But that no, I was genuinely curious. Even if the answer was “I was talking to someone else and decided to explore that.” Because much as it would sting, we did meet on a dating site and, uh, that happens.
At any rate, I said that I just needed any guy I considered to be upfront with me — and honestly, hadn’t he known he’d have to answer the question? — and anyway I guessed he’d either respond to that text or he wouldn’t.
He didn’t even open the message. So irredeemable jerk it was then.
And now it was three weeks later and he was texting. I guess he’d finally found a spare moment to read my texts?
The conversation is too good to summarize. So I’m just attaching pics. I did black out one thing that was a bit too smutty. And since I feel like it’d be crossing a line to show his face, I also edited out a picture he inexplicably sent me with the caption “Got a haircut” in the middle of the conversation. (I guess to remind me that he’s cute?)
Unfortunately for him, I was severely sleep-deprived when he texted. So any filters I may have had were pretty much gone. In other words, he got the full attitude he deserved. (Warning: some swear words.)
I think one Twitter follower summed it up best in her two tweets:
“What did he really try to sext in the middle of a ghosting explanation?”
“‘Can you explain why you panicked and disappeared’
“‘MMMMMM want to lick you all over’
“READ THE ROOM DUDE”
Honestly, I just want to see if he’s ridiculous enough to actually follow up. In less than three weeks anyway.
So if I suddenly stop posting, you’ll know that he texted back later in the week and I died of shock. Just in case, I guess it’s been nice knowing you all.
The latest candidate (eventually)
So now I’m talking to a 26 year old. He’s bi, so he’s also experienced the full onslaught of male grossness. (Might even be worse for him because they think he “gets it.”) And fully said that men are trash.
He also mentioned, appropos of nothing, that he’d gotten the most hilarious reactions when earlier in the pandemic he’d suggested putting off meeting while cases were so high. Apparently, people acted like he’d called them a plague bearer.
So we’re talking. So far, we had one video chat but it was a little halting because of a lag. We’re going to try Zoom next time instead of Snapchat. But we still seem to have good banter. And he’s being very careful, obviously.
I also very clearly explained that I was looking for more than sex. No deep emotions are required, but I want some actual company. He said that yeah, just sex gets weird after a certain period of time, so he was looking for someone he had good overall chemistry with. Time will tell if that’s just lip service, I guess.
After a few days of talking back and forth, he sent a very impressive message. Basically, he asked when I was thinking of meeting — but he wanted to be clear he wasn’t pushing to meet. He was just hoping to get a general idea of the time frame I was thinking of. So I explained I’d just met someone who didn’t work out, and it’d have to be two weeks. He was unperturbed by this, and we’ve been texting up a storm during the day.
Also, I sent him some pictures of me in a super unsexy sports bra and old, loose, ratty shorts because I wanted to give him an idea of what my belly looks like, since apparently some guys don’t really see it in my profile pics. He said I looked great, and was it too much to say he was a little turned on?
I told him that was literally the tamest response I’d ever gotten to any picture I had ever sent. (Granted, those aren’t usually in unattractive workout clothes, but still… And also a good sign that he can find me sexy in super unsexy garb.) So I assured him he was fine.
I asked for a recent picture because he’d mentioned having gained a little pandemic weight. So he took pics for me right then and there. His “weight” is like two pounds on his belly. It’s frankly adorable he even bothered mentioning it.
I should add that two of the past debacles I’ll call “men who I’ve met” showed up at my place 10-15 lbs heavier than their pics without ever having mentioned that they’d gained weight.
I mean, it’s a pandemic, which is stressful and has closed gyms. So a bit of weight gain is to be expected. But tell a gal! Especially one who went out of her way to let you know that she was about five pounds heavier than her pics, thereby giving you the perfect window to provide her with accurate information. Ugh.
I guess we have lots of time to keep getting to know each other. Maybe this time I’ll be able to tell ahead of time whether it’s going to bomb.
Right now, I’m just praying that this doesn’t turn into another entertaining story for you guys. But statistically speaking the odds aren’t great.
Anyone know of a guy living in a hermetically sealed house who would only ever leave to come see me? It’d be nice if he could cook too.