I mean… I have been. We all are.
But up until this month I was clipping along decently, all things considered. And then… this malaise.
Putting things off
Last Thursday, Aaron came over and we had some Indian food. I hadn’t put the dishes away from when I’d done them Tuesday, so I put the plates by the sink.
They finally got put away Wednesday. And only because I really forced myself to do that and fold laundry. And I haven’t even been running the Roomba because I just didn’t feel up to it.
I’ve been pushing aside these warning signs as not having had enough sleep or some other random thing.
But Tuesday and Wednesday, I thought about the fact that my check was coming and I’d be figuring out monthly money stuff and… I just felt tired and slightly overwhelmed.
So clearly there’s cause for concern.
Although in my defense, there is a lot to sort out this month. I spent significantly less this month, so there’s a surplus. But also $1,100 that my insurance needs to withdraw from my account, the guest house rest, the remaining stimulus funds I haven’t spent/donated, and probably some other stuff. So… this month’s money math is going to be more difficult than usual.
Still, I should feel some excitement.
The real clue, though, came Tuesday morning when I suddenly felt like I was going to cry with absolutely no provocation. I just felt on the verge of tears.
My first thought, of course, was that my depression was flaring. Which it may well have been.
But my cycle is completely out of whack right now, so there’s also the chance it was PMS. Though I don’t get that much anymore.
I’m also dealing with some frustration at work as I try to contact people who aren’t getting back to me, which keeps me from helping our customers.
So maybe it was that. But it could be even more than those.
A situational issue?
It may be that my depression is worse, but not for organic “your medication isn’t working sufficiently” reasons.
First of all, there’s the isolation factor.
I didn’t see Aaron for two weeks thanks to a variety of factors, and I realized recently that I’ve been leaving my house a lot less than usual, even by pandemic standards.
So some of this could be isolation-induced depression. Aaron is going to try to come over today (Wednesday) or Thursday if possible, so that will be a) nice and b) a good way to see how I feel after I see him a little more regularly. (Also, he just adopted two kittens, who he’ll be bringing along. Which should be good for my mood.)
Second, there’s the food factor. I’m not really eating, but it’s hard to decide whether that’s a symptom or a cause.
It’s now uncomfortable to sit in my jeans and even standing, I’m in slight muffin-top territory. Reasoning with myself to stop eating junk food wasn’t working. So I’m now wearing my jeans every day. When cravings rear up, I concentrated on the fact that the jeans are slightly digging in and tell myself no.
But my brain/stomach are basically a petulant child and if they can’t have what they want, they don’t want anything for dinner. So I’m eating the first two or three small meals of the day, but then it gets harder when the fourth meals is a salad and the fifth a frozen dinner that definitely isn’t delicious fried food or pizza.
So I haven’t been taking in a ton of calories, which yes I know is terrible in general and definitely for my metabolism but… There’s only so much I’ve felt capable of getting myself to do lately.
The issue, as I said, is figuring out whether the food issue is a cause or a symptom.
- Is the disinterest in food because I have yet to accept that I need to eat better? Or
- Is the disinterest due to depression? Or
- Was the disinterest originally diet denial, but insufficient calories are now exacerbating any depression symptoms?
I guess we’ll see
The problem is that right now, there’s no way to tell for sure.
I can figure out a way to force myself to eat, I’m sure, but it’ll take a couple to few days of that to see whether my mood improves. Or whether my appetite comes back in general.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 23rd, though I’m sure I can move it up if that proves necessary. But he’s going to ask pretty much the same things I’m asking right now. So I need to take a little time to figure out what is causing the depression.
If I do all the right things and the emotionality and brittleness continue, I’ll talk to him about going to a higher dosage of Seroquel. If things get better and stay that way until the appointment, I’d prefer not to toy with medication levels.
So yes, I need to figure out a way to make myself eat while still being conscious of calories and the general healthiness of the food.
Also, I need to be less isolated. Which could be difficult.
Aaron and I keep having things come up that have kept us from seeing each other much. It’s been health stuff and work stuff for the most part. And while I think he’s allayed his health concerns, work is still hard to predict. I know he’ll be here if he can, but it seems to be a bad idea to count on him more than once a week until things die down a bit and the starts stop aligning against us.
But my friend Leila — who lives about five minutes away — is concerned and has said she’ll happily come sit outside, six feet apart if I need to see someone in person. So I will likely have to take her up on that somewhat.
And as I alluded to earlier, I’m going to try to force myself back into my old routine. This means making the bed in the morning, running the Roomba daily, dealing with things like dishes or unfolded laundry expediently and keeping up on cleaning, though that’s more of a Saturday morning thing.
Hopefully, a combination of these factors will prove that the symptoms are just temporary and don’t require a higher dosage of Seroquel. But if I do all of this and am still struggling in a week or so, I guess I’ll have a talk with the psychiatrist.
How’s everyone else doing?