I try not to swear too much on this blog. But there’s really no other word for it.
On Friday, a friend messaged me irate to see that I had given out details of her personal life on the blog. That not only had I not asked her permission, I had very stupidly (I was rushing when I edited the spending diary, but that’s no excuse) even used her real name in the last one.
And she was absolutely right to be furious. It was unconscionable.
My only explanation — not excuse or justification, there are none of those — is that after blogging for 12 years about the intimate and (sometimes literally) gory details of my life, I genuinely forget that most people have boundaries. I talk in depth about things like MRSA boils and the blow-by-blow accounts of the actual miscarriages and the emotional pain they caused — all without compunction.
So as stupid as it sounds, I forget that most people care what gets shared about them, especially with strangers on the Internet. Because of course they do.
So just because none of you know and will never meet her doesn’t mean it’s okay for me to share her life with you. Hers is not my story to tell, let alone broadcast the most painful parts of it.
I guess there is one second explanation (but again, is in no way an excuse) is that I got very wrapped up in the emotional rollercoaster that was going on. It brought back some past things for me. So naturally — “naturally” — I vented here. Because that’s what I do.
But that’s what I can do when it’s my life. Not someone else’s. I had no right to do that.
And I’m at the point in my mental health where I can’t blame emotional issues as though I couldn’t fight against them or was unaware of what was going on.
On some level, I recognized that I was too wrapped up in everything and staking too much of my own mental health on the situation. So I should’ve taken a step back. I should’ve said I needed a break. She even suggested it at one point, and we did actually both de-escalate how much we discussed it.
But I should’ve stepped back before that. I knew she had other friends. Though as one of two people in her life she told about any part of it, I also knew she was loath to tell anyone else. So with that and talking things through just being a big part of many days (which is what my spending diaries recount) and, of course, probably ego (“She chose me out of everyone!”) and the aforementioned issues from my past, I didn’t say I needed to create emotional space. Instead, despite knowing that clearly she wanted to keep this utterly private, I mentioned it here.
The last spending diary notwithstanding, I think I kept it pretty vague in earlier references to a friend with relationship issues. (I don’t know that she even saw those, but if you’re going to admit to a fuckup, admit to the whole fuckup.) Still, when going through and editing it all out — she understandably demanded that all references to the relationship and just her in general be removed from here — I did see places where I probably could’ve just left details out at all.
Again, I think I was trying to explain why someone else’s breakup was such a big part so my life, but I could have just said, “I talked more to my friend who’s going through some heavy relationship crap. It’s a huge part of my life by proxy right now. Sometimes it’s hard on me.” And in most cases I didn’t offer any form of detail, but there were posts where a couple of unnecessary details were in there. And that was horrible of me.
So yeah I should have recognized that this wasn’t okay and, if necessary, backed away from the situation, rather than let any part of it out on the virtual page for strangers to read. That is inexcusable.
Especially the last spending diary (now redacted, obviously) where I offered far too much detail to properly convey the ludicrousness of her ex’s move-out. Because it was mind-boggling, but also because I was angry at him yet again hurting her. But those things were not mine to tell.
I guess it also didn’t occur to me how stupid and awful spilling those particular details was because the whole time I saw her, she was furious. So I didn’t realize that sadness would obviously come later, that she would consider it, as she said in the angry message, probably the most upsetting/stressful day of her life.
But knowing her — and talking to her even intermittently in the days following — I really, really should have known.
So while I don’t know that I necessarily agree that, as she told me, I shared the most intimate details of her life and relationship, I do know that even without that extreme a view, what I did was horrible. And of course, I don’t get to dictate how someone feels. She feels the information I shared was intimate and a betrayal. Thus that’s reality.
I messaged her to let her know I’d done everything she asked, like returning her house keys and picking up mine, plus removing her entirely from the blog, and I added that I’d had her taken off as a referral of mine on a cash back site, so I wouldn’t receive any bonuses moving forward. And of course I sent a long apology which said that I understood there was no excuse for what I’d done — I explained the obliviousness issue but said that obviously it wasn’t an excuse — and that I knew there was no coming back from it. But unfortunately, she blocked me before I sent it. So she’ll never see it. I guess since I didn’t dispute anything she said, it’s moot.
So yeah, because of my thoughtlessness and carelessness, I have lost the person I was closest to for the last three years. Who supported me and sat with me through rough patches (which I’m quite sure she didn’t vent about to strangers) and messaged with me nearly every day.
But it gets worse.
On Saturday morning, I left a message in the group chat that I wouldn’t make it to that night’s event. (Obviously, I was trying to give her space, though I didn’t specify that.) Three hours later, the message still showed as sent but not delivered. So I spent the weekend thinking my friends had sided with her.
I’ve since heard from one person in the group who saw an Instagram post that not blocked in the group and as far as she knows, no one actually knows what’s going on.
So I don’t know what’s happening. I filled o. That person and they and the others can decide how to handle that information. I don’t see how she will agree to be at anything I’m at, so I don’t know that the ultimate situation won’t still be getting ousted from the group.
I want to be clear that this post isn’t to garner sympathy. I made my bed and now need to lie in it. This post instead is because:
- Everyone deserves to know about just how badly I acted
- Obviously the guilt of how much I hurt her and the loss of my closest friend is taking a huge toll on my mental health.
The latter means that I genuinely can’t find any way to not talk about the situation. I’ll have to say why I’m struggling, and if I simply say a friendship ended, you might feel that I was wronged. That’s not the case.
But to update you on the bed I’m lying in:
I’ll be calling my psychiatrist first thing today (Monday) and explaining that this is an emergency. Because it is.
When I first thought my whole group disowned me without a word — that I had two friends left in the city — I had a couple of hours where off and on my brain told me that if the people I cared most about in my life hated me, life wasn’t worth living. That at least 70% of the reason I was so happy in life was because of those friendships, and was the remaining percentage really enough?
I know that might sound dramatic. But that’s absolutely what I thought and felt whenever I wasn’t actively distracting myself. By the evening, the feeling was no longer coming at me full-blown. But I still heard am occasional faint whisper. And I don’t know if/when the volume will get loud again.
So I will make sure the psychiatrist sees me ASAP, and thankfully medication affects me usually no more than three days later (usually only one to two). Because I know I will get through this, but I honestly don’t know how.
What I do feel is that everyone I was closest to in the city no longer wants anything to do with me. That they clearly have decided I’m a horrible person, unworthy of even the fraction of a percent of the benefit of the doubt. And could four people who know me so well really be wrong?
Again, I can’t stress this enough: This post isn’t seeking sympathy. I don’t mention the suicidal ideation for attention or so that you’ll overlook my egregious error in judgment. I’m saying it because this is where I recount my life — though obviously more carefully now, when referring to other people — and right now a big part of my life is this pain and guilt.
But also to be clear: No one needs worry about me hurting myself. The pain may make me think about it, may make it tempting, but I also promise you that I do know the pain won’t go on forever. And that by the end of the week I will probably have a better balance of brain chemicals to banish — or at least greatly decrease — the thoughts.
So please don’t let the mention of those thoughts detract from the awfulness of what I’ve done or make you think that I believe my guilt should make it all okay and I should be forgiven.
I’m just updating you because… this is going to be a rocky time for me for a while. And you all should understand why — and how my I dug my own grave here.
Again, please don’t tell anecdotes about friends eventually forgiving you or vice versa. Hope will kill me right now. As far as I’m concerned, my friends are lost for good.
But if you’re worried, know that I haven’t given up on ever having friends again.l, even if I am indeed ousted from the group. When I’m more stable, I’ll start going to MeetUp events and see if I can find anyone I like. There’s also apparently an app by a dating app company that is specifically for finding friends. So I’ll try that too.
*hug* that is all I can offer you, *hug*
It’s appreciated, trust me.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Part of being an adult is owning our messes and apologizing for them. Some people never grow to that point.
Yeah, I am a firm believer in being honest about my mistakes, especially when they hurt other people. I guess we’ll just see what the future holds.
We absolutely all make mistakes. Thank you for being open about what you’re doing to try and put things right, as much as possible. Sending you positive vibes for better feelings ahead.
Thank you. And yeah, there isn’t anything I can do that will undo that person’s hurt and sense of betrayal. But I could at least follow her wishes to erase any mention, casual or otherwise of her or the breakup. It doesn’t fix things, but at least more people won’t read about her further.
I know the whole Aaron part of your life is messy and you’re trying to move on, but it might not be the worst thing in the world to call him. You trust him, he is a real friend, and he would probably be happy to be there for you until this difficult time is over.
You’re Wrong About did a good podcast about Cancel Culture in the past couple of weeks. It changed my mind about how society “cancels” people who make mistakes, and it’s applicable to our friendships as well.
I believe that people deserve a chance to learn, make amends, and grow. Here’s to a tough fresh start.
Haha, I’m one step ahead of you. I called Aaron on Friday because I was distraught and needed someone to hug me and tell me it was okay. Partially because I thought he was my only friend physically in the area. Later, I learned the second friend was in town from his summer house (there are wildfires in the area). But yeah letting Aaron back in my life was the right call for now. We’ll see how things go moving forward.
Sending big hugs…. this must be very hard to go through, especially when your friend was your closest friend. Just take it hour by hour, instead of day by day.
Yeah, that’s basically where I’m at. Monitoring mood over time rather than by day. I’ve been trying to keep distracted til I could see my psychiatrist about med adjustment. So we’ll see how I do once I start a different dosage. In the meantime, try to get back in my exercise routine, as that’s also good for positive brain chemicals — and so any emotional eating doesn’t take too big a toll. Though honestly I haven’t pigged out as much as I would’ve thought.
Even if we don’t know you in real life, I feel as if I’m part of your life because I’ve read your blog for so long. I feel so sad for you. I wish she might have been a little more forgiving after making her feelings known. I appreciate that you’ve apologized and done everything you can to try and make it right.
I honestly thought your references were so vague that I’d never have been able to figure out who she was, though people that know you both obviously would. Some life lessons are especially tough. I’m sorry.
Because some of the group read this blog from time to time, I was very careful when all the relationship/breakup drama to keep it extra vague so they didn’t connect the dots. I guess I got careless after the group was informed because it wasn’t anything she hadn’t already relayed to them. Still incredibly poorly thought out though.
Really sorry about that; it’s really hard to have that knife in the gut feeling when you suddenly realize how something seemed.
I would say to be careful telling the friend group what happened because that might feel, in her current state, that she’s now forced to talk about it more.
I agree on Aaron. I had an emotional one like that where I wasn’t certain if I had done something and the best advice I got was from an ex.)
Yup, I called him on Friday. Partially because I thought my other friend was at his summer house still. But it was the right call. We’ll see how we do for now.
And she’s since left the group chat, so I have to assume she’d assume I’d tell them what I’d done to make her so angry.
Sorry, i didn’t mean to share ancedote about me and my best friend. It’s just that it was very serious and very real at the time an we did break for two years. Also, i’m VERY stubborn one of the most stubborn people i know. I’m glad your seeking help. I’ll just try and see if you’re ok if that’s possible? Hugs Abby we all make mistakes. Space and time, space and time.
Oh, I wasn’t criticizing. I appreciated all the well-wishes and support on Twitter, including anecdotes. I know you were being supportive. I just meant I couldn’t handle any more because they might give me hope, and since at best forgiveness wouldn’t be coming for a long time, hope a bad thing for my mental health right now. And yes, I appreciate your reaching out via Twitter. All the support people have shown really means the world to me.
This too shall pass. Very raw and gripping post–mistakes are going to happen. You owned up to it and learned from it, which is all there is to do. Hang in there, fellow human!
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It will pass, indeed. As in, “It will pass like a kidney stone.” But it will pass — and as you once said, Abby, pain has a purpose.
I just wish it weren’t hurting YOU.
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Well, technically it was a wise mental health professional on Instagram. But yes, pain has a purpose as part of the healing process overall.
Thanks, and yes the only way out is through in this case. All I can do is own my mistake, see what the group decides it wants to do about the situation and if necessary, go to some MeetUp events/create a MeetUp group to get to know more people.
I am sorry for the pain that both of you are experiencing. You owned up to your error and tried to mitigate the damage. You didn’t do it to intentionally hurt her, you were upset at the way she was being treated. I’m afraid the group may be collateral damage. How about privately journaling the things you would like to tell her? Give her some time to decompress and then send something small with a note letting her know that you are still there if she wants to talk.
She’s blocked me in WhatsApp and all social media. And if she doesn’t want to hear anything from me, I don’t feel comfortable invading her inbox (or her home with a letter). I feel like that’s crossing a boundary to apologize for crossing boundaries, and it could come across as being done just to make myself feel better. So if at some point she decides she wants to talk to me, even just to bitch me out, then I’ll apologize as is due. But as long as she doesn’t want to hear from me, I think it’s important to respect that.
Hey, it makes sense for you to vent here. Many of your readers are bloggers and can relate. It is a balancing act between sharing our lives and maintaining and respecting privacy.
I am amazed at how much you do share of your private life. I’ve always thought of myself as a private person. However, if my family knew about my blog, they would not understand at all. Everyone has different boundaries.
Yeah, I definitely share A LOT that others might not. The medical stuff just because I’ve been more or less desensitized to the ickiness ever since I got so sick. But also because yeah, this is where I share my life, and if something affects me a lot in my life — intimate sex details aside — I figure it’s good to explain it so people understand where I’m coming from if I’m particularly happy or if I’m struggling or whatever.
But I also respect my friend Revanche’s approach which involves a ton of privacy around herself, her kids, etc. Everyone has to decide what they feel comfortable sharing. The key is I have to remember that “sharing” only counts about stuff in MY life. If it’s in my life because it’s a part of other people’s… That I need to be very, very careful about.
I’m so sorry. I hope things get better soon and the meds help you balance out a little. Virtual hug.
Thanks, me too. I was mostly numb Sunday and yesterday I think. But as I find more and more instances where I would’ve messaged her, I think the pain and guilt will come back. So hopefully an increase in dosage will help so I feel appropriately sad/guilty, not paralyzed and hopeless from sad and guilt.
You have already gotten some great advice, so I won’t repeat it. Hang in there, Abby, and take all the time you need.
Thanks, I’m going to do my best to stay on an even keel. Obviously, there’s a certain amount of sadness and guilt that’s normal and correct. So my aim is not to avoid feeling any of that but instead to keep myself from nosediving into paralyzing hopelessness about the situation. And hopefully just take the loss in bite-sized pieces so I can properly digest it.
I saw you mention this on Twitter and I didn’t have much else more to add than the virtual hugs that everyone else already added.
I thought back to several months ago about living in places where climate change could be a problem going forward. I remember you saying that you wouldn’t move for a reason like that because of your circle of friends. So I know this must be extraordinarily difficult. I am thinking of you.
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Thanks, very much appreciated. Granted, also I’m too used to a low cost for housing haha But yes, one of the reasons I would stay is because I have good friends here. But if absolutely necessary, I know logically that I can make new ones if I have to. But… don’ wanna.
While I do believe your friend was justified to leave I’m not so sure about the other four friends.
I had beef with a close friend of mine (was the groomsman at his wedding) but I just had too much and I told him we’re done, He apologized but at that point I had zero interest anymore.
However, I didn’t force his other friends to form sides. I actually was the one to bow out of the friend group and didn’t take any others with me. So, I’m not really sure if the other friends of yours who weren’t really affected should have cut off ties with you but that’s still their decision at the end of it.
Hope you get through it. It’s not easy to lose a close friend.
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Well, they haven’t cut ties at present. I think my friend may have done something to the settings that blocks me from seeing group messages — but to be clear, this is only conjecture. and it’s only based on the fact that one person in the group said that (as far as they could tell) no one else knew what was going on with us. So I don’t see why they’d have a reason to change the settings on me.
And in the ex-friend’s defense, best I can tell she didn’t ask people to choose sides. She left the group without a word as far as I know.
Since this posted, one of the group members has reached out to let me know I haven’t lost them as a friend but given how touchy the situation is, they hoped I’d understand if they took some time to figure out what to do next. I said absolutely, take your time to figure out how you want to proceed and let me know.
I am an occasional drop-in to your blog, not a regular follower by any means. And have never commented before. But I have to tell you that your complete honesty about your financial and emotional life just blows me away. And that the lost “friend” who took umbrage at your sharing about her just really needs to examine why it was such a huge deal to be mentioned to people who do. not. even. know. either of you. Mentioned in a caring, empathetic way, as well.
Please don’t clobber yourself any more over this situation! Sure, you shouldn’t have . . . .but you did, you were totally not trying to hurt anyone, and losing a long-term “friend” is punishment enough. Remember, though, that this “friend” has also lost YOU.
She deserves to, and will be very, very sorry about that. You rock, Abby.
That genuinely made me tear up a bit. Thank you so much.
I think the issue is that she was extremely private about the breakup. For obvious reasons, I won’t get too detailed, but let’s just say I was one of two people privy to what was going on for quite a while. So it makes sense that to her (and really, probably most people) broadcasting any details of the process to strangers would feel like a huge betrayal.
I obviously don’t “get” it since, as you said, I spill most details on here, and none of you will ever meet her — few will even meet me. But I do get that she wanted utter privacy around almost everything to do with this situation, so I should’ve foreseen how even ranting on her behalf and having readers be sympathetic would not be remotely enough of an excuse to give out details, let alone so many.
Oh, the problems we get ourselves into, with all the good intentions in the world…
I am not allowed to mention Brother or his family on either my blog or FB. Even if they mention us or our daughters. I cannot use (for personal use, this is) — let alone see — any photos of them, however innocent, without their permission.
If you read either my blog or my FB page, you’d swear I don’t even HAVE a brother or sister-in-law, let alone their children and grandchildren.
This especially hurt when a very young family member died. I was not allowed to even see the photos at their memorial service — even though I made a special trip, from thousands of miles away, to attend. (Years later, I saw their photo — but only accidentally, because it was framed on the wall.)
I felt so badly about this that I ‘unfriended’ a number of family, reasoning that 1)they weren’t interested in my posts, anyways, and 2) if they read them, they’d find something to complain about, however minor — and I’d get yelled at again. Ironically, no one noticed for months — until sister-in-law tried to put a birthday message on my FB page. She then promptly unfriended me, as well.
And that’s where it’s stayed, to this day. We have cordial relationships with them, but only because we have gone far out of our way to do it, including messages, gifts, cards, special trips, compliments, etc.. I even wrote an apology note, saying I was sorry for whatever was offending them. (No answer.)
I was finally allowed to use one photo — but only because the family members were so far away that they couldn’t be recognized, anyways. (It was a landscape.)
Any apologies forthcoming from any of them? Naaaahhhh. I have stopped even hoping for one. I don’t know if this will help you, coming off from a horrible situation that you unknowingly found yourself in the middle of — but it happens. You’re not alone in that.
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Well, thank you for letting me know I’m not alone, but ouch that sounds very hard for you. I’m sorry that things are lingering like that.
It has been a while since I left a comment on your blog. Eversince I lost my dad in March of last year, I haven’t really been up to anything much; I am hurting and it still is very sad.
I don’t know what to say except that to me, you still are a wonderful person. And I pray that it stops hurting, soon. I understand what pain is like, the kind that stems from a loss. We may have different experiences but it is still pain and it sucks. Big time.
Take care of yourself Abby. I am still a HUGE, HUGE FAN of the spending diaries and monthly updates so please, please, continue writing them. They are such an inspiration, for me.
I hope everything becomes better soon.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Of course it still hurts. As I understand it, I don’t think that pain ever completely goes away — how could it? — but I hope it’s getting easier to live with. Thank you for your kind words. I am definitely taking care of myself, and it’s so great to hear that my money stuff helps you. It means the world to me.
Abby,
I’m going to be a bit contrary and state that I think your friend has taken it too far. You made a mistake, remedied as much of the mistake as you could, apologized profusely, and have learned a big lesson. No one died from your mistake! No one is in prison because of your mistake – or homeless or lost their job or had to leave the country for crying out loud.
Plus, I read the post before you took it down and barely remember it.
It would be nice if your friend could forgive you and move on – life is too short to be so freaking angry!
You are an amazing person – not perfect, but pretty darn amazing…so please don’t let this one mistake derail you. Forgive yourself and move on:)
Off my soapbox now:)
Aw, thank you Den, that’s very kind and really lovely to read.
I have had some people say that they understand her being angry but completely excising me from her life is a bit extreme. That they would feel betrayed but get over it after some time away. I can’t really speculate what I’d do because I consider very little about my life not shareable (though ironically she did share one such thing with the group when tipsy, somehow misremembering that I’d already told them).
I think it’s this violent a reaction because she was extremely private about the whole relationship situation, so she’s outraged that I could share any part of it with strangers. I should’ve realized she’d feel that way, even if I can’t understand it myself. And in the end, it doesn’t matter whether we would feel that way/to that extent, only that she does. So I’m just respecting her wish to have nothing to do with me.
But it’s always very nice to hear kind, supportive words so thank you.
Dredging up an old horse here, but I realized I didn’t post the comment I meant to at the time.
I think her anger (still justified, I agree) may have had less to do with the violation of privacy and more to do with, as I remember the post, the revealing of the bad behavior she’d been putting up with from him for a long, long, time.
It’s disturbing to think of oneself as a person who puts up with bad behavior from a significant other, and having that clearly spelled out can be hella painful.
She may have to deal with that before you’d hear from her, and that may never happen.
Yeah, that was part of my suspicion, and was seconded by another person (not connected to the friend in any way).
In which case, it’s a tad frustrating since about a month before, she slipped and told a secret to the only people in town I saw socially. I knew they wouldn’t judge me, but I wasn’t ready for them to know that particular aspect of my experiences.
Since I know what it’s like not to take something back, I think perhaps I was a little too convincing when I assured her, “I was probably close to telling them anyway.” So maybe she didn’t think it was in the same area as telling people she’d never meet.
Or maybe she was just blinded with rage, for a variety of reasons, including a justifiable sense of betrayal.
Unfortunately, sometimes we learn things the hard way. Which is especially embarrassing when it’s something as obvious as “Don’t talk about your friends’ personal lives — especially accidentally leaving their name in.” (I do think, in retrospect, the stress of dealing with all of the hot/cold, up/down — and knowing she was telling only one other person — had caused some low-level mania, but I should still have recognized it and bowed out sooner.)
So all I can do is take the lesson to heart, accept the consequences, and be better in the future. Which I’ve being doing at least semi-successfully these last 2 years.
And as much as it hurts to admit, honestly I probably wasn’t that great a fit for the group. I liked doing trivia and checking out cool bars with them, and game nights at my place were fun. But a LOT of other proposed group activities weren’t really my thing: they loved wine trips (I don’t drink wine), they loved Disneyland (it’s fine but not a huge appeal), they wanted to check out country line dancing (I was afraid it’d remind me of my grandfather who’d died the year before), they wanted to check out axe throwing (I get anxiety just thinking about the sharp objects being hurled, even though I know they wouldn’t be at me), etc.
As a result, one person I’d reached out to after the implosion with the friend had said she had already been planning on telling me that she needed us not to message for a while (which, up until that point, we barely did anyway). That I consistently brought a not-great dynamic to the group and, while it was fine to not to want to do something due to cost/location/etc., I frequently was negative about proposed group activities. Which was only partly true — and usually it was in cases where they were polling for interest or where multiple options came up and I’d say one didn’t really work for me. (And if it was an activity I didn’t have any interest in, I would say why but also never implied they shouldn’t go without me.) But I guess there was something about me that rubbed her the wrong way to only really remember the times I wasn’t into an idea.
So maybe it’s for the best overall — and I am still friends with 2 members (a couple), who I see from time to time — but I do wish the impetus for my departure had been something that didn’t hurt a friend.