Ah, dating. Which is to say ack! dating!
It’s time for yet another installment of everyone’s favorite voyeuristic, “Thank god I’m married/in a relationship” bit: my experiences on dating apps.
A fitting start
My first conversation one back on the app was with a guy who after a few exchanges, asked whether I considered myself a sexual person and put a devil emoji.
I said yes, but before we go down that particular rabbit hole, let’s see if we’re compatible on other fronts too. I asked his interests; he replied and then asked mine. I mentioned a few things and said it could be hard for my group to find restaurant for all of us and explained our various dietary restrictions.
His reply: I like to eat ass.
Yup, just like I remember.
Another guy and I messaged a bit and then a few days later he asked if I wanted to Netflix and cuddle.
I said that first of all, I always meet in public the first time. Second, I was exhausted from being out the last three days and wasn’t able to leave the house.
Two days later he suggested a date. By which I mean he messaged “Date tonight?”
I said I had trivia that night. I added I was pretty sure I was busy the next day and wasn’t sure about the day after that and would let him know.
No response again.
The next day I said that I did have the following day free if he wanted to do something. He said he unfortunately already had plans. I said it was no problem, I knew it was short notice, then told him what days I would be free in the near future.
He replied, “Yeah I dunno. I feel like I keep getting put on the back burner.”
Yeah I’m not wasting time anymore with this fragile, entitled male BS. So my reply began “Okay, first off bold assertion of a right to my time for someone I’ve only exchanged maybe 15-20 minutes of conversation with.” I then pointed out that I gave him more notice that day than he’d given me either time and, when he wasn’t available, offered up my availability — unlike him, who had just gone quiet each time. So how, pray tell, could he consider that remotely “back burner”?
I’m sure you’ll be surprised to find out he didn’t reply.
Not an actual interaction but a good reminder that problematic profiles aren’t just men being stupid or gross. Some are so overly proud of their vocabulary that they subject women to overblown, navel-gazing, forcibly polysyllabic drivel. For example:
Or this, even worse gentleman:
Honestly, I’d never seen two fellows suck their own verbal dicks quite that enthusiastically. At least their pomposity is staying limber?
Not mine but…
A guy I was talking to showed me a screenshot he saved from his weirdest dating app interaction ever. So I guess this is a good reminder that we women aren’t the only ones suffering.
Before anyone asks, the guy was nerdy cute. But not “Okay go ahead and take my life while I gaze at your chiseled features” cute. You’re gonna need to be pretty damn hot for me to open that up as an option. And I’m gonna need to be already dying — like really close to the end — and you’re just hastening it. And even then you’re still gonna need to look like Wolverine-era Hugh Jackman.
Also, I love that she was worried enough that her typo could be confusing that she had to correct it.
The age factor
A repeated issue I’m having is that the guys my age tend to look so old. So old.
I dunno if I’m biased by celebrities, by my Tinder fun with 20-somethings or if it’s that men just aren’t taking care of themselves. Maybe its some combination thereof.
All I know is that when I first got back on the app, I kept messaging friends with a screenshot of a profile pic and “How is this guy only 3 years older than me???” Or “How is this man YOUNGER than me???”
But there’s another age issue: old photos.
One guy I met… Hoo boy.
His profile pics were already clearly spanning at least a decade — probably more like two — so maybe I should’ve known better. But I didn’t.
So when I met him in person, I found that he looked — if I’m being generous — at least three years older than his last pic. Like, a hard three years. His skin was looser on his face and he had gray that wasn’t in the pics. (Yes, some men can pull off gray, but it should still be in the pics.)
He also had adult braces. Not a dealbreaker, but warn a girl! I guarantee you, they will matter less if a woman knows about them ahead of time.
Finally, despite saying Fit in his profile, he had a small belly and a bit under his chin. Nothing major, but Fit was the wrong choice.
And in case you’re about to remind me about the pandemic 15, he mentioned during the conversation that he made his profile three weeks prior.
Speaking of body type descriptors…
Men are taking their options veeeeery liberally.
The choices you can choose for body type on OKCupid are:
- Average Build
- A little extra
There’s also Curvy for women.
So given those options, it seems pretty clear to me that Average Build means no extra weight, just not toned/muscular.
Look, I know that the average American is now overweight. But that’s clearly not what this means. If you’re carrying an extra 10 to 15 lbs (or in some cases more) then A Little Extra feels like the pretty freakin’ obvious option, no?
No. Apparently not. And the great thing about men’s clothing is that it can be well-nigh impossible to tell from pictures whether they’re being honest or not.
Well, unless Average Build is egregiously incorrect. I’ve seen a few guys who were at least 25 lbs overweight — some look closer to 50 — who are choosing Average Build. Oy.
Look, I’m not trying to body shame. I’m still struggling with an extra 15 lbs (and even 15 lbs ago, I still had an extra 5 to 8 lbs). Not everyone can be fit and toned — or at least not everyone has the physical ability/time/willpower to be. But you’re not going to trick someone into dating (or just sex) by ticking the wrong category or piquing their interest with outdated pics.
If anything, it’s worse to surprise someone by showing up looking notably different.
Despite my general shallowness, I admit there are guys who can pull off a small belly. But if a guy shows up looking different than his pics, I’m going to be annoyed that he wasn’t honest — and probably focus on the differences whether I want to or not.
Of course, I suppose the other possibility is that these guys are in serious denial about their bodies/fitness levels. And given my own dysmorphia issues, that’s a whole lot of baggage I’m not going to be able to handle well.
But really… I think we can all agree most of them are just being dishonest. (And from what I’ve heard from men, women aren’t all that great about this type of thing either.)
Can we all just be clear so that we don’t put in effort with people who aren’t going to want to sleep with us? Jeez.
I don’t think you know what that word means
Another fun issue: men’s basic grasp of vocabulary. It’s a growing concern of mine.
A guy thought it was appropriate after only 28 total messages between us (I counted) to ask about a profile answer where I said I couldn’t have kids. He asked if it was an issue of principle or physiologically. (I feel like “can’t” very clearly implies physiological.) I said it was the latter, gave him a brief rundown and then added that I wouldn’t want to just start raising a kid at 43 anyway. His response:
Sir, miscarriages only happen when you get pregnant. Also, yikes.
And of course wading through dating apps, there are inevitably a fair number of “Dying alone doesn’t seem so bad” moments.
For you, sir, my body is Fort Knox
Where did they see the conversation going from there?
You can’t make my ass clap
And for most out of the blue…
My previous comment to the guy below was about how many men have said they’re going to wait a while for the vaccine. That was — and I cannot stress this enough — THE ONLY THING mentioned.
Sometimes there’s nothing to do but scratch your head — and roll your eyes, of course.
I… I can just open the door? Or you can. Or if it’s locked we can just go somewhere else. Please don’t knock down doors around me. It sounds very loud. And like property damage. Expensive property damage. (Also, unless you have a TARDIS I have no interest in getting lost in time with you.)
Okay, so much to break down here.
First, viruses were discovered in 1892. And since I haven’t seen any daguerreotypes of bemasked Victorian families, I’m gonna have to disagree that virus discovery caused man to “make a mask fashion.”
Second, if a virus made “mask a fashion, when necessary” — uh, there are viruses everywhere. So we would all have always constantly worn masks. At least after the Spanish Flu debacle, I’d think.
Third, I don’t think “vib[ing] against” masks is quite how you should describe anti-masker vitriol.
Fourth, we live more than one life? This has been confirmed?
Fifth, if those people don’t know we (apparently) live more than one life, wouldn’t they be more prone to mask-wearing, to make sure they live longer?
Sixth, I’m going to need you to never share your thoughts again. With anyone. Ever. Like, give me your Venmo handle; I want to give you your two cents back.
All in all
I still have a few good anecdotes, but this post is long enough and I’m already deeply questioning my choice to do anything more than use hot 20-something Tinder guys for sex. (Hi, Mom!) So I’ll stop here and start compiling another post for the near future.
I will say that at least 30% of the guys I’ve talked to aren’t vaccinated and are either “waiting a while to see” or just aren’t going to get it. Which I guess is actually pretty low, given that my county — the county where about 4/7 of Arizona’s population lives — currently has only a 34% vaccination rate. OKCupid now has a stack you can use of people who have been vaccinated, so that’s made it a little easier. Granted, people could lie, but that’s a whole different headache.
Anyone else trying to date post-pandemic? How’s it going?