It’s Sunday afternoon and I have almost zero actual money stuff I feel up to talking about. And I know the post two weeks ago might have some of you concerned about my mental health.
So here’s how things are going.
I saw my psychiatrist the Tuesday before last, and he agreed if I was having that tough a time, it would be a good idea to increase my Seroquel dosage by 50 mg.
He also wrote me a prescription for 1 mg of Atavan, which he said I should only take if I’m actively having trouble sleeping that particular night. Since I’m wary around benzos, this was already my plan.
He said to see him in two weeks, so I’ll be checking in with him Tuesday.
I take the Seroquel at night, so I was able to start my increased dosage that same day. Normally, I feel the effects of a new med or increased dosage within 48 hours, but this one didn’t really help until around Friday.
Still, it did kick in, and I’ve been feeling more stable. So no more suicidal ideation, thankfully. And while I of course still feel terrible about posting details that made my friend feel betrayed, it’s not the only thought in my head over and over.
Quiet is good (sometimes)
Honestly, I feel like for the most part I’m actually emotionally drained, so kind of neutral. While I miss my ex-friend abstractly — I see something funny online and realize I can’t send it to her the way I used to, can’t share a funny thought or occurrence, etc. — the space has actually been good to me.
Even before the post that ruined everything, we’d been having some friction. (Well, I’d experienced friction. I don’t know if that’s what she considered it. Most of her bandwidth was wrapped up processing the breakup. So she may honestly not even have noticed.) So there’s some relief in knowing we aren’t going to clash (even minorly) about something random again.
But more importantly, being there for a friend during relationship issues. let alone a breakup, is a lot for most people. Add in the fact that it brought up some issues from my past — one reason I should’ve taken a few steps back long before I did — and yeah, it affected me a lot.
Even once I did step back, I still worried about how much she was hurting/how she was coping. I haven’t stopped worrying, mind you; but it’s not as at the forefront of my mind. Partially because I figure the righteous anger toward me probably helps her feel more clear.
So for the most part I feel a bit… hollow. I think the sadness of losing the friend will hit me more and more as those “Oh, I can’t send this” or “Oh, I can’t tell her” moments come. But for now, I’m just sort of emotionally depleted, so the moments more like vague pricks of a needle than a stabbing pain.
I have no idea whether that’s healthy or not, but oh well.
But this whole situation with shared friends is pretty dicey.
People have more or less said this is between me and her. But I’m not sure they realize this isn’t a temporary thing. She has excised me from her life, and since I couldn’t respect her normal boundaries, the least I can do is respect this one. This isn’t going to blow over. In the very, very unlikely event she decided she could move past this, we’re talking many months — probably years.
So I don’t really know what’s going on there. Maybe they’re all sort of holding their breath or maybe she created a new group chat and things are back to normal there, while they just hope at some point I can be brought back in. And it’s not my place to ask that.
So the only way I addressed the situation since my last post was a message on Sunday to a team member asking about dropping off the bar cash I had from times we won. I said that since this isn’t going to be resolved in the near future, it was entirely likely they’d start trivia up again. (I emphasized that I wasn’t asking whether they were; I wasn’t trying to put them in the middle of anything. I was stating a probability.) So I thought they should hold onto it. I’m sure they’ll agree that’s prudent.
Even before all this, I was trying to branch out and make more friends, so I’ve been signing up for MeetUp events and a couple new groups have started up that could be good for meeting women around my age.
I did go to a board game event last Saturday and signed up for it again this coming Saturday. I met one gal there who seemed fun, so we have been texting back and forth. Last week, she let me know that she was going to a Sunday 4th of July event, so I signed up for that too. To meet more people and maybe chat with her more.
But a lot of MeetUp groups are for 20s/30s or 50s and up. So the pickings are still a bit slim.
Thus I’m working my way up to starting a trivia MeetUp group. It was something the group had been discussing before all this. And a trivia group is how I met my current friends. So maybe lightning will strike twice. Plus, as organizer of the group, I can specify vaccinated people only.
The gal from the board game event brilliantly suggested I say that some of our members have auto-immune issues. So people are less likely to lie just to get into the group. (And technically the Guillain-Barre was an auto-immune disorder, so it’s almost sorta kinda true.) I wondered if MeetUp would have an issue, but she said that lots of groups are strict about members, including a MeetUp group for lesbians that only accepts people assigned female at birth.
But I’ll need to vary events’ days (and therefore locations) to get a feeling for what’s most convenient for folks. So I need to work up to being ready to deal with that. Once I’m mentally steeled for that, I create the group and tell my friends they’re welcome to come along. But that if they can’t, I’ll understand.
I’ve also been chatting with a gal who messaged me on OKCupid. I don’t have “friends” in my profile but for some reason I got suggested to her anyway. She thought I seemed cool and asked if I wanted to chat. So we’ve been conversing and, presumably, will meet at some point. She’s an interesting gal, so that gives me hope. Both in general, and in regard to maybe trying Bumble BFF.
This is… Not on hold, exactly. But a lower priority than it has been.
OKCupid sends me emails two or three times a week with some match suggestions. So I click through those and see who is interesting. And there will be men at a lot of the MeetUp events. But beyond those, I’m not really doing much.
Right now, I need to add to my friend pool and get a stable, more varied base of people I can socialize with/turn to. Having friends is, for me, more important than having a partner. So I want to get that squared away more before I go looking for a guy I like.
And now that Aaron is back in my life, that’s sort of a good placeholder, for lack of a better term. In that we’re not together per se, but we’re affectionate to the point that it’s sort of a pseudo-relationship. And (because the universe has a mean sense of humor) he actually has sufficient time to see me at present while it’s too hot for most hiking and any outdoor volleyball.
But with some space, I’ve been able to see that there are enough personality differences that a full relationship probably wouldn’t be workable. So it’s best to keep things light. We get the benefits of a relationship without much of the heavy lifting.
That’s about all the news that’s fit to print. That isn’t related to money.
I’m doing okay, if not stellar:
- I miss hanging out with my group, but I’m hopeful about being able to widen my social circle.
- I’m getting out, not holing up at home feeling like the worst person in the world. (If nothing else, enough bloggers have said they’ve done something similar that I at least no longer feel like the dumbest person in the world.)
- I’m still getting some pseudo-romantic affection, which is always nice for emotionally stability.
So while I’m not ready to give it the ringing endorsement of “great” my life could certainly be much worse.
How’s everyone else holding up?