For those who are new, my style of “spending” is a little convoluted. I have two checking accounts. I keep the majority of my money in the secondary account, transferring $250 a week into the main account. But I charge everything to the card to maximize rewards. As charges accrue, I transfer money out of the main account into the secondary one. Then I make a weekly payment on my credit card.
A tad confusing, perhaps, but it works for me. Anyway, here’s how spending went this week.
I woke up incredibly groggy. I had taken something to help me sleep, and apparently it hadn’t worn off properly. I stumbled through emails, then crawled back into bed.
Thankfully, I felt much better when I woke up.
I had decided to skip trivia after an upsetting conversation the day before. So I texted with the guy I was supposed to (finally) meet. We chatted and agreed on a time.
I ran to the store to load up on cheap strawberries: $1.77 for two-lb cartons. I picked up some of those and some frozen meals for a total of $17.56.
Unfortunately, not too long after I got back, my date texted to say his ex-wife needed him to take his son for the night. He also had the kid for the weekend, so we agreed to try for Monday.
I went and got blood drawn for my yearly tests.
Since I no longer had anything to do and was kind of antsy, I decided to go to trivia. Things were fine, though we tanked. I paid $22.90 for a meal and a brownie, plus tax and tip obviously.
I came home and did a little swiping on the dating app, despite my vow to abstain from swiping until I’d see all the current guys I was talking to. I ended up chatting some and then went down a rabbit hole looking up some information. So I didn’t fall asleep until 1 a.m. Oops.
Total spent: $40.46
I woke up to an irate email from a friend. It was due to a huge error in judgment on my part, and the friendship was clearly over. So I spent the morning crying, editing all mention of her from the blog per her request and being generally dazed.
I needed a hug and someone to tell me it was alright. Since I didn’t know how much the group knew, I couldn’t go to them. Which left me a friend out in his summer house 90 minutes away.
So I messaged Aaron. Given that I’d cut off contact, this wasn’t necessarily the best idea. But I needed someone who would distract and comfort me. Thankfully, he was still happy to hear from me and to come over.
I finished out the workday, and earlier had messaged the guys I was supposed to have dates with that weekend, explaining what was going on. I said I wasn’t sure if I’d be desperate for the socialization or a wreck and unfit to meet. They all wished me well and said to just keep them posted.
I had cancelled my personal training session earlier in the day. So I just showered and got mildly presentable for when Aaron showed up at 5 p.m.
He nagged me to eat something — I’d had a 190-calorie protein bar all day because I wasn’t hungry — which he paid for. Then around 8:30 p.m. we went bowling with a two-hour session Groupon he had.
We called it a night around midnight.
Total spent: $0
I woke up without much of an appetite. So when Aaron insisted on ordering breakfast, I didn’t want any. And despite my saying that multiple times, he was upset when I didn’t eat anything. So I had some of the potatoes to placate him. He still didn’t like that I didn’t want anything else, but he gave up eventually.
Neither of us had any real plans for the day, since I was obviously going to skip the group event that night. We napped for a bit. I woke up while he was still napping, so I did a few chores and messaged the group to say I wouldn’t be able to make the event that night.
Three hours later, the message still showed as sent, but not delivered. I did some online searches, and that appeared to mean that I was blocked from the group. So I just lay there dazed and intermittently crying that I’d lost all but two of my friends (including Aaron) in the area.
Aaron tried to comfort me, but “You can make new friends” wasn’t really helping. And I was intermittently having the thought “Life isn’t worth living.” I shut it down each time, but doing so took a large amount of mental effort.
The intrusive thought did let up eventually. Aaron left around 6 p.m. because he had to do some studying and make his flight plan for his flight the next day. I watched TV and forced myself to have a protein bar along with the fresh strawberries I’d had.
But at 7 p.m. that meant I’d still only had maybe 500 calories. And the only thing I could think that sound even slightly appealing was some sides from a local barbecue place. The mac ‘n cheese and mashed potatoes (and cornbread which is included when you dine in) are amazing. So they sounded vaguely promising, even if I couldn’t muster much enthusiasm.
I ordered the sides and asked them to put some cornbread in too. The total was $16.53 and I tipped $2 cash that I already had in my wallet.
I came home, ate and played on the dating apps for a bit. I went to sleep around 11 p.m.
Total spent: $18.53 ($16.53 out of weekly funds)
I got up around 9 a.m. and waited for the pharmacy to open at 10. But then I got sidetracked, so I didn’t go pick up my prescription until about 11 a.m. The med was $30, and I picked up $6.11 of munchies (including more strawberries) plus $1 ginger snaps at the dollar store.
I came home and FaceTimed with Mom for a bit to vent/cry/assure her I’d be okay and was going to call the psychiatrist the next day.
I needed a distraction, so I set up a date with a guy for when his kid got picked up by the mom. Which was 8:30. Oof.
I watched TV, chatted on the app and just generally killed time. Then I showered and made myself up. Right before I started getting ready, I had posted on Instagram and Twitter about suicidal ideation (the gist was: I had it, it’s gone for now, but really just a reminder that there’s no shame in it, seek help if you have it).
As I was getting ready to leave for the date, a group member messaged me to say I wasn’t blocked and they could still see my messages — and that no one seemed to know what was going on. Also that they were glad I was staying safe.
I filled them in on the situation, since at that point there was clearly no way around it. I wanted them to know so that they could explain to the other members. But it was a long explanation, so coupled with some uncommon but very recent messaging we had done… The member said they felt they needed to step away from the friendship for a bit.
I got the message after arriving at the bar ($15.84 for Lyft), and it included information about an issue they had been having with me. They apologized for the unfortunate timing but were telling me know because they didn’t want me to think the distance was an issue of picking sides.
Obviously, it stings to find out you’ve been doing something that annoys/upsets someone. But I told them I was glad they let me know. So I said that if everything settled and I was still in the group, I would work on the behavior — and that yes they should absolutely take as much time and space as needed. They could reach out to me when they were ready.
Unfortunately, given everything else going on, my anxiety was up, so I spent part of the date spiraling about how maybe others had felt the same way and was the group sick of me and all sorts of (almost definitely) overreacting.
But the date did finally prove enough of a distraction that I’d settled down some by the time we switched from pool to darts. The two drinks probably helped too.
Since we started so late, the date wasn’t over until late, and then it took me some time to fall asleep. So I fell asleep around 1 a.m.
Total spent: $15.84
I had taken a pill to help me sleep, so I had a grogginess that didn’t go away until I crawled back into bed for a while after catching up on work.
I called the psychiatrist’s office and said I needed to get seen ASAP. They had a Tuesday appointment at 10:30, which I gladly took.
I messaged the guy I was supposed to meet that night (the one who’d had to reschedule on Thursday) about which time he preferred: 6 or 6:30.
I went through my day and through my personal training session and still didn’t hear back from the guy. Strange. He was usually busy during work but would message once he was done.
I sent a new message saying given my pace that day, 6:30 would be better and to let me know if that worked for him. I ate a little something, then got ready for the date.
And he still hadn’t messaged back. Silence from him all night, actually. While I know dating app guys ghost from time to time, this was just very strange because we’d been talking for a few weeks off and on (he had to take a trip to deal with family affairs — which with a ton of siblings took a while). But we talked on the phone twice, and he was super eager to meet. And when he’d had to reschedule he said he figured I would think he hadn’t wanted to go on a date and when I assured that no, I just thought he was a parent, he was very relieved. So… this ghosting was very surprising.
I played around on the dating apps but didn’t find anyone to occupy my attention with a date. So it was TV, app scrolling and some conversations. I got in bed around 10:30 p.m.
Total spent: $0
I got up and got through work, then went to the psychiatrist ($25 copay). After hearing what was going on and my emotional turbulence, he agreed we should increase my Seroquel dosage.
He also wrote a prescription for a few Lorazepam pills, which he instructed me to take only if I lay in bed for a while and still couldn’t sleep. I’m careful with benzos, so that was already the plan.
On my way home, I stopped by Fry’s to hit the last day of the strawberries sale. Peaches were $0.97/lb so I got a few of those too. The total was $5.05.
I came home, caught up on email. I messaged Aaron to say hi. We had been messaging sporadically to say hi/check-in, but nothing too in-depth, which was fine since we weren’t back to seeing each other or whatever you want to call the pandemic situation we had.
I got through the workday. I had hoped I’d be up to working out but… no. I didn’t feel bad, but I definitely didn’t have the wherewithal to get my butt to the gym.
So I stayed home, hungry and not wanting anything at home but also not waiting to go anywhere or pay delivery fees. So I just gave up and ate a frozen meal. Maybe I can lose weight with the Laziness Diet?
I just chilled out and watched TV. I messaged a bit with a couple people but mainly just played on social media and visually imbibed Netflix.
I got into bed around 10 p.m. but couldn’t shut my brain off. I took a Temazepam I had from a prescription months ago, since I hadn’t been up to picking up the sleeping pill prescription.
I was asleep around 30 minutes later.
Total spent: $30.05
I’d had a crick in my neck since Saturday, but it was far, far worse that day. I could barely move my neck, and just bending over to put my lapdesk on the floor when I stood up caused pain. I put some ice on it and tried to work out the knot a bit. But I was seriously considering just forking over money for a massage somewhere. (My usual place rarely has last-minute openings, unfortunately.)
I got through work. The guy I’d had a good date with the Saturday before last messaged about setting up another one. (He’d been in Vegas most of the previous week.)
I confirmed with Aaron that we’d do something that night. Given the neck crick, I told him bowling was probably not a good idea. He said we’d do something else, no problem.
As I was finishing work, Aaron messaged to say he’d gotten pulled into something last minute. Presumably a technical issue at work. Those tend to happen at inconvenient hours.
I told him it was no biggie.
I was still spiraling about what the trivia group member had brought up with me Sunday. Pretty sure the emotional stress of the whole situation had my cycling manic. (Thankfully, my manias are very low-level.) Since it hadn’t gone away after a few days — not constant but annoyingly common — I decided to just give in.
I went back through not just the post-pandemic stuff I’d already reviewed, but from 2019 until the pandemic and put it all in a spreadsheet. Then color-coded cells where the frustrating behavior had happened — when it was clear-cut poor interaction, humor that clearly misfired, etc. And yeah, the instances were almost all post-pandemic.
I understand that this project was absolutely insane to do this. But given that according to the DSM I’m insane… I guess that tracks.
But seriously, as ridiculous and overkill-y as it sounds, the process really did soothe me and give me perspective. And assured me I hadn’t been displaying this unlikeable behavior for years, just off and on for a few months.
By this point, it was past 9 p.m. (!) and I just… hadn’t eaten anything. Yay mania?
As I was starting to get ready for bed, the group member from Sunday got back in touch and said they appreciated my message from a couple days before, wherein I acknowledged seeing the behavior and promised to work on it. They said I could contact them whenever. This was greatly appreciated, but startling. When people say they need space, I assume weeks at the very least.
I’m glad I am OK to contact them again, but I’m also hesitant to do so too much. Besides the fact that we didn’t message a ton before all this, so I don’t want to overwhelm them. They’re still my ex-friend’s friend as well.
It was nice to hear from a group member, but it was then past 11 (oops) and I finally called it a night.
Total spent: $0
Total spent: $104.88 ($102.88 out of weekly funds)
Wow, I guess severe emotional turmoil — causing me to not want to go anywhere or do anything — can lead to pretty low spending. Not quite how I’d like to achieve that goal, though.
How did everyone else’s spending go?