For those who are new, my style of “spending” is a little convoluted. I have two checking accounts. I keep the majority of my money in the secondary account, transferring $250 a week into the main account. But I charge everything to the card to maximize rewards. As charges accrue, I transfer money out of the main account into the secondary one. Then I make a weekly payment on my credit card.
A tad confusing, perhaps, but it works for me. Anyway, here’s how spending went this week.
I woke up and got started on emails.
Once I caught up, I messaged Aaron to see what time he planned to come by that night. He had a day off, so he said around noon or one.
Once I was done with that, I started working on a post. Aaron was running later than expected, so I got a bit more of the post finished. Always nice, given how behind I’ve felt with the blog lately.
Ultimately, it was about 2 p.m. when he got here. We chilled out for a bit, then left to bowl. Aaron had three Groupons that were close to expiring, so we were going to be doing a lot of bowling for a bit.
We played for a couple of hours and were very hungry when we got out. I was trying to finally start sticking to my diet, so we chose Rubio’s quinoa and brown rice bowls. Tasty and a pretty reasonable calorie count for takeout. Especially if, like me, you ask for no avocado and no almonds.
We came back to my place and chatted for a while. Suddenly, it was past 9:30 p.m. so I said we should start getting ready for bed. (He’s an early riser and I just need a lot of sleep.) It still took a while to fall asleep, but we were both blissfully unconscious before 11.
Total spent: $0
I got up and started work, and Aaron had to take off because some expensive packages were due to arrive that day.
I told him I’d probably head out as soon as work was done. Once he was gone and I was caught up on emails, I finished the post from the day before. Then I edited and scheduled the spending diary.
I finished up work and left for Aaron’s around 4 p.m. We chilled out for a bit, and Aaron had some basketball games on that evening.
I ordered us some food. I had forgotten to put Aaron’s apartment number and gate code in when I placed the order, meaning the guy had to message us for the gate code, then got lost even after we did tell him where the apartment was. So I increased my tip by $3 as an apology, meaning the total was $34.98.
We conked out around 11 p.m.
Total spent: $34.98
And for some reason, I woke up around 4 a.m. and couldn’t get back to sleep. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular and I may have briefly dozed a couple of times, but mostly I was awake.
By the time Aaron got up at 8, I was grumpy and frustrated because I was supposed to finally start working out that day. But on five hours’ sleep that wasn’t going to happen.
He wasn’t particularly empathetic — didn’t say “Aw, that sucks” or anything, which made me grumpier. I was able to doze for maybe 40 minutes not too long after he left, which made me feel slightly human. But when he got back from the gym, he said hi to me then started talking to his cats. He didn’t ask me how I was feeling — had I gotten any more sleep? — but did ask one of the cats how he felt.
I was… not pleased.
I’d promised to help him with a project, so I tried to suck it up. We went to get some items and then we stopped for food. Aaron got a specialty drink, so between that and two meals, the total was $30.10. I’m glad minimum wage has been raised but ouch prices are hard to stomach. Aaron was off trying to figure out if he liked and wanted one of the teas when the cashier rang it up, so I paid $30.10. Which is fine, since it’s usually pretty 50/50 about who pays, so I knew it’d even out.
I felt mildly better after food, and we headed back to work on the project. Unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking all that clearly from being so tired, so most of my input ended up not being helpful.
And that day he’d announced that he no longer wanted to be mentioned on the blog. He got pissed that I’d mentioned his pinkeye. I asked how he had expected me to explain our not seeing each other for two weeks. He said I should’ve said “health issues.” Which I told him sounds way worse than pinkeye.
I also told him how much it was impossible to not mention him in the blog when we spend many hours — and sometimes whole days/weekends — together. He didn’t care. He only cared about his “privacy.” (For the record, a year ago I asked him if he wanted me to use a fake name for him. He said no.)
I was tired and frustrated, so as we worked on something for the project, I ended up having tears streaming down my face while I tried to help with some things. I know he saw it, and he said nothing.
I abandoned the project and just waited for it to be a reasonable time to leave for trivia. And made it clear his callousness was why I wasn’t interested in helping anymore. Didn’t phase him.
I finally said I wanted to talk and that I wanted to do it now, since his project didn’t have to be done for four more days. But he insisted on keeping working.
When I said my feelings were hurt, he said he was sorry to hear that and hoped I’d feel better soon. I asked if that was really all he had to say. He said well it was my feelings, so I had to sort them out. I said I was going to need the tools I lent him for the project. NOW.
He handed them over, and I got ready to leave. We exchanged a few sentences, where I said I wasn’t trying to pick a fight. I just didn’t want things to fester since I was definitely not coming back that night or having him over to help me the next day as planned. He said the change in plans was “probably for the best” and later added that even if we talked I wouldn’t get what I wanted. I asked what he thought I wanted. He said that he couldn’t concentrate on that with the project.
I get being consumed and stressed about completing something with a deadline I’ve utterly made up in my head as being that day. And yeah, when he gets like this, he’s cold. But I was pissed and hurt — and livid about him asking me to edit out swaths of my life for his convenience. Especially when I gave him the choice to stay anonymous and he didn’t take it.
His being so divorced from his own feelings sometimes and definitely from empathy at times had been an off and on issue already. I left his place feeling about 80% sure this was the death knell for us. But I also knew I was exhausted and so allowed for the fact that I’d feel it was less dramatic after some sleep.
I had fun at trivia, though we didn’t do very well. Usually we’re pretty good, but sometimes a night’s questions are just mainly out of our knowledgeset. Sigh.
We finished up at 10 p.m., and I headed home. I messaged a bit with a friend while I got ready for bed. Then passed out around 11:30.
Total spent: $30.10
I woke up at 8:30 a.m. still pretty pissed at Aaron and still not sure if this was something we’d get over.
I had already decided I’d be putting my foot down about the blog. I’d tell him I’d keep it as vague as possible, but I’m not going to omit 3/4 of a day — which can often also include spending I need to talk about — just because he doesn’t like the fact that I mention his existence in my life. If he wanted to be part of my life, that meant making peace with being mentioned.
Based on a previous spat, I was pretty sure he’d wait for me to reach out. But I knew I wasn’t going to be ready to deal with him that day anyway. I needed to talk with a friend and process more before I talked to him.
I decided to put my anger to use and get some errands done and finally do a couple more things toward finally getting the bathroom remodel underway.
Toward the evening, my friend Jen got my message about having a fight with Aaron, and she called to help me talk though things.
She calmed me down a bit, though agreed he had been a huge jerk, and made some suggestions about how to best present some counteroffers about the fact that I couldn’t not mention Aaron in my spending diaries.
Feeling a bit better, I messaged Aaron that I didn’t think either of us had been our best selves Saturday and I knew he was probably still working on the floor; but I hoped we could talk when he was done and rested.
He replied not too long after to say sure we could.
I watched some TV at night and went to bed around 10 p.m.
Total spent: $0
I woke up and got through emails, then chilled out.
I remembered that I’d had Mom order me some items from Costco, so I sent her $43.03 via PayPal.
I went to my dentist at 11 a.m. for a fluoride treatment. Which I could’ve sworn was covered under my insurance, but they said they didn’t think so. Still, they agreed to at least try to bill my plan and would send me the bill if they were denied.
On the way home, I went to Fry’s to drop off a prescription. I also picked up a small bottle of flavoring for $2.19. The collagen I take every morning is in powder form (you have to take something like six pills to get the equivalent), and trying to just drink that and water does not go well.
I then went to CVS to return some razor blades. I’d bought the wrong kind, so I returned those and then bought the right ones. There was a BOGO sale, so two eight-packs were $43.14.
On the way home, I had to fill up the car ($41.23).
I waited for a bit to see if Aaron would reach out and want to meet up to talk. When he hadn’t said much by early afternoon, I messaged my vet friend I’d met through trivia to see if she still wanted to hang out, since it was her day off.
She said yes, so we met up for a bite. The restaurant has some delicious lemonade flavors, so I actually got a drink. (I usually just have water since I don’t really like soda.) Totally worth it but it meant the total was $15.96.
She needed to go to Trader Joe’s, and I went with her so we could chat a bit more. Afterward, we said goodbye, and I got back home around 6 p.m.
I had messaged Aaron to let me know when he was rested and ready to talk. Around 7 p.m. he messaged. He said that I needed someone more emotionally available and that he couldn’t be on a blog.
I answered those, and then he complained that I had taken the tools with me when I left even though he wasn’t done, whether or not he could afford them.
First of all, two of the tools were borrowed, and I’d only asked the owner permission to take them with me to Aaron’s. Not to leave them there. So yeah, I took them with me.
Second, the tools in question were a box cutter, a level and a carpenter’s square. I’d be shocked if they came to $40. Maybe $60 if you got one of the big levels like the one I’d bought.
Third, even if they had been more than that, Aaron makes at least 40% more than I do — and I have a high salary. So the question of whether he could “afford” the tool was… weird.
He also said that I pulled the tools out of his hands. No.
I’d said — admittedly, rather pissily — that I was going to need them back immediately. At which point he extended his arms, holding the tools, and I took them. There was no pulling. I don’t know how he got to that conclusion.
I asked him to please just call as it was hard to address the multiple points in messages. He didn’t and sent a couple more messages, so I videocalled him.
When he picked up, he was watching a basketball game and thus was only looking at me part of the time.
He said that he couldn’t have his life on a blog and then mentioned the emotional availability thing again.
To the blog issue, I reminded him that I was usually quite general — there are several things I’ve been careful not to mention — and I could offer a nickname moving forward and contain my comments about him to the fact that I saw him and we hung out or got food or went bowling.
He shook his head.
Somehow we then got back to the tools issue. I reminded him that two of the tools were not mine, so I wasn’t comfortable leaving them there. I hadn’t gotten permission from the friend who’d lent them to me.
He said then I could’ve asked that evening — as though his behavior had made me want to do him any favors — and then said anyway he could’ve brought the tools to me the next day when we worked on my place.
I said no, because I hadn’t wanted to see him Sunday. At which point he claimed that I was using future facts to back up past actions. But no, I had been quite certain before I left that night that I would have no desire to see him the following day.
We went around that topic at least once more but I think twice and each time he insisted that what I was saying wasn’t the case and I was making up facts based on stuff that happened later.
He also said I “project” my bad feelings onto him, and he can’t be aroundthat kind of negativity. It’s bad for him.
I said no, most people’s feelings would be hurt from his behavior. And that he should’ve at least asked me — before the cats — if I was feeling any better. He said I was sitting at the table typing, so clearly I was fine. I said most people would still have had the decency to show concern and ask. He replied that he’s not most people. Oh, well that makes it okay then, I guess.
Finally, I asked him to please turn off the game so we could talk. He said no, it was okay. I said it very much wasn’t. He replied, “Well, it’s not okay for you. But it’s okay for me.”
I said a couple other things but then said that it sounded like he was just done. He nodded, without actually looking at me. I waited about 40 seconds, sure he would say something, but he didn’t. So I said, “Okay, have a nice life I guess.” Still not looking at me, he said, “Yeah, you too.”
I hung up and burst into tears. Then texted a couple of people.
My friend Jen ended up calling me and staying on the phone with me for at least 90 minutes, bless her. We talked about things other than Aaron — because there was only so much to say — but a lot of it was her consoling me.
She did gently point out that he might not have been wrong about needing someone more emotionally available. I agreed and said intellectually, I knew this was for the best. Heck, I’d been having some doubts as it was, since some of his behavior had been annoying me lately. It just hurt, which she said was perfectly understandable.
I got off the phone with her around 9:30, I think, and fell asleep around 11.
Total spent: $145.61 — insult to injury!
NOTE: There seems to be a misunderstanding in some cases so I want to be clear that the douchery I am referring to was how he treated me during the process, not his request to suddenly be off the blog. Also, the other bit of douchery is that he got angry at me for breaking rules he hadn’t told me were in place. I routinely told him about mentions on the blog, and he never batted an eye. Including my mention of COVID scares. So I had no reason to believe pinkeye was a step too far. He’s allowed to change his mind about his comfort level with being mentioned on the blog. He’s NOT, however, allowed to blame me for not magically knowing that level had changed.
I got up and started work, feeling slightly sad.
But it got worse about 20 minutes after I started work. Because it hit me that Aaron is so good at divorcing himself utterly from his emotions, he is completely done with me. As in, it’s not just that he no longer has feelings for me, he won’t even think about me.
And before any of you argue that surely that’s not the case and he’ll have some thoughts about me… Nope.
I’ve seen him and heard him talk about being done with people before. When he cuts someone off, he cauterizes the area. And they are out of his brain for good.
So yeah, he won’t feel anything for me at all. He won’t even let himself miss me. I will have been more or less completely erased from his conscious mind.
That — and how coldly he ended things — hurt like hell, so I spent the next 20 minutes crying as I went about answering emails.
I messaged with some people, including the trivia friend who has been helping me with home improvement but who has also been lending an ear to my Aaron woes. He talked to me a lot to try and be supportive.
Some of the sadness passed — I try to take hurt and other negative stuff in bite-sized pieces — and I started a laundry. So $3.50 went into the Washer/Dryer fund.
I had a massage that day, and I made a command decision to extend it to an 80-minute one. Luckily, the gal had the availability. Because I really needed it.
My phone was being annoying — it’s been glitching more lately — and I felt crappy. So I checked my iPhone fund balance and found that I had enough for a new phone. So I went online and got one and scheduled pickup for the same day. I guess it’s retail therapy? But not really.
The phone was $905.27, which obviously isn’t counted as weekly funds.
I went to Lowe’s to make some returns of items I turned out not to need, then I drove out to pick up my phone. On the way home, I returned a drill to Harbor Freight. I’d thought Mom could use it while I used mine when I’d been under the delusion that the patio project was going to get done during her visit. It didn’t get used, so I figured I might as well get my money back.
I was going to stop at Best Buy on the way home to get a case for the phone, but I was weary. So I figured I’d just do it the next day.
Work was quiet, and after I was done, I left for my massage. Which was wonderful. I had still been a little knotted up from the power tools two weekends before, and the Aaron thing hadn’t helped. So it was much needed.
The gal’s rates are very reasonable, so after tip it was still only $100. Amounts of $60 or more don’t come out of my weekly funds.
I got home around 7 p.m. and messaged a bit with a few people, eating dinner and watching some TV.
Around 8 p.m., I decided to try out my paint sprayer — the one I’d won on the auction site. I brought the iPad in with me so I could keep watching the show — I’m really enjoying Big Sky — but I took down the towel hook and towel ring, then masked off one wall and the area over and around the door. I didn’t take down the light fixture or medicine cabinet because I figured I’d do that wall once I was able to take the vanity cabinet off.
Then I got out the paint sprayer. I put it in the shower because, as I suspected, the paint did not immediately go in the container when I was pouring. I’m going to get rid of the current fiberglass shell, so it didn’t matter if it was a mess.
It took a bit to figure out everything, but once I got going, I was in love. I covered one wall (about 35 square feet) in around three minutes. I did the second area and, since I was giddy (and not with fumes — the fan was on and my bedroom window was open) I did the area over the toilet as well.
My aim was inexact, so I got blue on the ceiling in spots despite the masking. But I was going to repaint that anyway, so I wasn’t too concerned.
Cleanup was also a mess, and in the future I need mineral spirits to make sure the sprayer is completely cleared. But overall, it was a success.
I didn’t finish cleaning up until almost 10:30 p.m. Even once I got to bed, I wasn’t all that sleepy, so I started the book Die With Zero.
I fell asleep around 11:30 p.m.
Total spent: $1008.77 ($3.50 out of weekly funds)
I woke up and got to work. I still felt a bit sad, but nothing too terrible. I messaged with some people, which helped.
It was a pretty uneventful morning/afternoon, except that Orkin was able to come out to deal with some termite activity. So glad I have that service.
I finished out the workday then rested for trivia. Since I could no longer crash with Aaron, a Tempe area trivia meant driving 25 miles each way. Blech.
But I got myself to the complex the restaurant holding trivia was in, but first I finally stopped at Best Buy and got a case for my phone ($54.04). Since this is part of the expense of the phone (which is coming out of a savings account) it doesn’t come out of weekly funds.
After that, I went to meet the other gal. A couple people had had to drop out, but she and I have gone it alone before and had fun.
Unfortunately, when we got to the venue, they said they had actually stopped having trivia. (I schedule a few weeks at a time, so it must have been a recent change.) But we found another trivia nearby with a different company and went there.
We did pretty well in the first half but tanked in the second. Still, we had fun. And happy hour specials! I tipped based on the full price, so two items were $14.74. Still quite a deal!
I got home around 9:30 p.m. and went to bed not too long after. But I stayed up reading some more of Die With Zero. I hit a patch that was kind of ageist/ableist, but I decided I’d keep going because the concept itself was interesting.
I fell asleep around midnight.
Total spent: $68.78 ($14.74 out of weekly funds)
Total spent: $1,288.24 ($228.93 out of weekly funds)
Well… on the bright side, my spending was down a bit? And if I’m not seeing Aaron two or more times a week, that’s less takeout I’ll be buying. So I guess financially that’s a win?
This sucks, though (since the spending diary has a lag between the events happening and the post getting published) I’ve had some time to sit with it more and become more used to the idea. It still stings, even if I knew we probably weren’t forever anyway.
So anyway, I hope everyone else’s week went well in general — but at the very least, I hope yours was better in comparison to mine.