Still alive — and with good news

Heeeeey, I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I posted. Sorry about that.

Life was a bit crazed, but mostly I was just fighting to make myself do anything. I wasn’t getting much done on my to-do list, so writing posts felt particularly overwhelming.

Plausible explanation

At first, I chalked up my inability to do anything to the fact that the anti-narcoleptic my nurse practitioner described was only making me feel more awake, not actually giving me energy.

And I figured the stress of having to cook most of my food from scratch — often with at least one ingredient I also had to cook — and the lack of extra energy were the issue.

But I realized a week and a half ago that I’m not actually all that stressed about cooking anymore. I mean, I need to try some new recipes to make sure I don’t get bored, but I’d more or less settled into having to cook so much more often.

Then I realized that I was only getting things done when it felt like it was right up against a deadline. When that wasn’t the case, I had to psych myself out to feel like it was crisis time. (For example, “Hey, emissions test results are immediately sent in, but you still have to get the tabs in the mail before the 15th. So… you can’t wait any longer to go test.”)

This feels familiar

Finally, it struck me that this isn’t a new thing. It just hasn’t been one in ages.

In high school, I kept myself constantly busy: at least two honors/AP classes (usually three) plus two extracurriculars plus working about 25 hours a week. And no matter how much time I had to prepare, I’d have trouble starting any reports or papers — or I’d start briefly, but then abandon it until it was due the next day.

I remember there was a period of time where I’d make a list of everything that needed doing that day, cry in despair of getting it all done, and then would have the mental wherewithal to dive in and get things done. But there had to be a feeling of urgency or crisis.

And details for me have always been a bit iffy. I tend to forget one step. Sometimes a small one, sometimes… not so small. When I was back on break from college once, I once found a note my mom had written to my elementary school teacher. The note said that I tended to rush through and miss details, so to please watch out for that.

Fair but… ouch.

Other issues

I also realized I’d been ditzier than usual.

It’s not just that I’d forget steps. I was also losing far more things than I used to — and far longer than usual.

Sometimes, I’d lose something for a few hours or maybe a couple of days. But in the past few months, I’ve been losing things for much longer stretches — if I even found them again.

Once, I found myself looking for my phone while it was in my hand. And not just in my hand, I was intermittently looking at the screen.

I was also having a harder time keeping track of my thoughts. I was losing my train of thought more easily — and it was taking me longer than usual to get it back.

Oh and a biggie for me: I’ve also been increasingly avoiding social media. I used to love scrolling Instagram and Twitter and sending stuff to my friends. But the idea of the constant refresh — or even just my two friends in a chat on Instagram where 7-12 posts got shared a day — made me feel like I’d drown. And wouldn’t you know it? That started a few months ago.

There has to be another answer

I know that some or even all of those can be symptoms of depression. But I didn’t feel depressed. Except by how often I was losing things/putting things off/having my brain go off on a tangent.

No, I just felt like I was unraveling. And it occurred to me that the feeling started in the past few months — which is when I’ve been off Adderall.

So I went online and looked up ADD symptoms in women. They can be different than the ones in men. Societal norms tell women to fix or at least hide “bad” behavior. And women are more likely to have the inattentive form of ADD without the hyperactivity.

And… yeah, most of those described what I had been dealing with.

It me

While not all symptoms fit me, most of them rang true.

Poor sense of time: For the last few months I was running behind more often than I used to, ending up getting anywhere 10 to 15 minutes late. In the past, I’ve avoided this by choosing a time 15 minutes before I actually needed to be ready. But now even that wasn’t working.

Being emotionally charged and easily upset: Yuuuuuuuup.

Either hypo- or hyperactive: As I mentioned earlier, I was having trouble making myself get things done. Until it felt like an emergency, anyway, and then I’d blitzkrieg my cleaning or my to-do list.

Starting projects but not finishing them: Big time. I’ve always been great about diving into a project — often without the proper preparation — and then losing interest partway through.

Taking on too much: I mean… the high school situation I just mentioned. Because of this tendency, once I had chronic fatigue, I spent years fighting very clear limits on my energy. I didn’t make peace with it until about 10 years had passed.

Difficulty remembering names: Um, okay this one I take issue with. I feel like all adults’ brains are so filled up that almost no one is good with names. But yeah, definitely me.

Hypersensitivity to criticism: I may or may not have started crying when a teacher told me that I needed to work one thing about my approach in her class.

Yeah, even constructive criticism feels devastating sometimes, and I just have to remind myself that they’re trying to be nice and that ultimately I would like to be actually be aware of the issue.

Poor handwriting: My handwriting is terrible. Sometimes even I can’t read what I wrote. Last spring, I posted a picture on social media of my actual to-do list, because one item was “Give up on men.” Another item on the list was “Change sheets.” But due to how the S and the T were written, almost everyone who commented on it, asked why I was talking about sheep. Oof.

Mental/physical disorganization: My place is a wreck half the time. Things left out, things put in places that I’m convinced will let me remember, but they don’t. I really only get organized when either the mess reaches a crisis point for me mentally or when I’m having people over and want the place to look better.

Inability to focus: Fun fact: During some of the worst bits of depression in college, my train of thought would jump the track and when I’d finally come back to come to earth, 15 to 20 minutes had passed, and I had no idea what the teacher had said.

At one point, I had to read a book in class because then my brain would focus on what the teacher was saying. Otherwise, my mind would wander away. It was only by trying to occupy my mind with something else that my brain would actually focus on the lecture.

During most of college I had to listen to music when reading schoolbooks. I had to make sure my brain was occupied with at least one other thing to ensure it’d focus on the thing right in front of me.

We need to talk

So I suspected the Adderall had been helping with not just my chronic fatigue, but also symptoms I’d forgotten were even an issue. I made an appointment with my psychiatrist. Then I wrote up a list of ways so many of the symptoms fit. The list was to make sure I’d have reference during the appointment. And sure enough there were multiple things on there that I’d have forgotten to address.

Thankfully, the doctor agreed that it sounded like ADD, and he agreed to put me back on Adderall. We’re going back to the 20 mg I was on for years. My blood pressure went crazy once I had upgraded to 30 mg — even though I was only taking one tablet most days. So I didn’t want a repeat of that, and 20 mg had clearly been enough to keep most of the symptoms at bay.

But just to be extra cautious, I’m only taking one pill most days. I want my body to reacclimate to that before I start taking the second pill. So far, so good.

I feel like my mind is back. And of course the bonus is that Adderall gives me actual energy. So hopefully this means I can stay productive and maybe even go back to the gym.

So that’s why I’ve been gone so much lately. I’m hoping I can go back to having at least the faintest version of a posting schedule, but I’m also just trying to not put pressure on myself. So please be patient.

Do those symptoms sound familiar to anyone else?