So the weird dude from a few weeks ago — the one I threw the prism metaphor at and who completely whiffed the actual meaning — got me thinking about all of the weird things I say (out loud or in texts).
And it just so happens that Pirate Party Guy (PPG) keeps a list of funny/weird/profound things people in his life say.
I knew I was featured prominently on the list, so I asked him to send me all the Abbyisms (as he called them) to hopefully make you all laugh.
Warning: There’s some cursing and semi-naughty stuff. But we’re all (at least outwardly) adults, right?
Random comments
On trying to explain the magnitude of how much PPG cares about his friends/family: “He cares about people vividly and emphatically.”
On what to do with my cremains: “Please don’t keep me in an urn in the house. I find it creepy and I will haunt you.”
On PPG saying he should really work on his music that weekend: “‘Should’ is a creativity boner killer.”
On PPG admitting that in his youth, he’d been guilty of toxic positivity: “[shrug] Being human is a learning curve.”
On having bought gifts for 2 birthdays and 2 holidays: “Knowing people is expensive.”
On how exhausting monitoring my mental health can be: “I think by now I deserve a different brain. That would be nice.”
On having grown up with cold rain /being stuck with Phoenix’s warm variety: “I love proper rain. The rain down here is bullshit.”
Comments about sex/dating
On PPG and I dating other people: “I’ll do my best to give you a run for your slutty money.”
When PPG sent me this meme:
“I’ll help you live your best life 😏”
On lamenting a really hot guy (who was interested in me) wasn’t vaccinated: “I’ve railed against unvaxxed people (and dating them) far too much to… actually rail one.”
On PPG’s bewilderment at some of my dating app men stories: “Y’all decent guys don’t know to make heads or tails of… guys who just want head and tail.”
(Old one from college) On a friend suggesting an oral fixation as I complained about still biting my nails even while chewing gum: “Nah, if I had an oral fixations I actually have dates.”
Okay so…
The next part is full of more graphic comments.
Therefore, I’m putting these lines in here.
To make sure no one is exposed to the crudity accidentally.
Ready?
Okay.
Somewhat more graphic sex comments
On the peach emoji: “I really thought that was a pussy for the longest time.”*
On how weird it is that only about half of Phoenix-area men perform oral sex: “In Seattle, all guys go down on you. It’s a point of pride.”
Rolling my eyes about men who seem to need to believe their partners can feel them ejaculate: “I’m not going to pretend that your cum is so mighty that I might actually feel it.”
* In my defense, someone in my 12th grade English class asked about the meaning of the “Dare I, dare I eat a peach?” lines from “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.” And our teacher went quiet for a second and then said, “Well… it was once a well-known metaphor for… a certain part of the female body.” And quickly moved to a different part of the poem.
I think by now I deserve a different brain. That would be nice.” 🙂 🙂 LOL i love that one! That’s funny. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could trade in our brains. This one seems to have high mileage i would like to trade it in for a newer model please.
Haha yes “high mileage” is definitely one way to describe it!
:D:D:D:D gold, thanks for sharing!
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