Revanche over at A Gai Shan Life posted an interesting piece a few days ago. It’s an excellent post — and not just because she manages to reference both Lord of the Rings and Firefly.
She talks about attitudes toward charity and giving, having recently learned that a friend is opposed to it. He apparently feels that he’s done all the work himself and doesn’t owe anything to anyone.
I find the attitude very frustrating, and I know I’ve talked before about invisible privilege. Even I, a depressive with a physical disability, had so very much help/luck that it’s nearly impossible to list it all.
But what really got me thinking was – and here’s where I sound like a navel-gazing douchebag – my own comment.
I mentioned that I keep meaning to give to charities. But other than Goodwill donations, I just don’t. But as an afterthought I wrote, “I just feel like we’re constantly pummeled by bills. Plus we’re saving up for Tim’s dental implants which will be between $15k and $30k. And double pane windows. So I just never truly feel financially safe.”
And after I hit the Submit button, the last sentence kept running through my head. Thinking about it caused me a flurry of panic, which then caused an overwhelming sadness.
I used to be exasperated by my mom’s bag lady syndrome. Granted, her finances have changed somewhat (though, ironically, she may be calmer now about finances than ever); but at the time she looked panicky whenever she was discussing saving and retirement.
I thought it was so sad that she couldn’t accept and enjoy how far she had come in a few years. I hated that she spent time and energy being upset and uneasy about her financial future.
Physician, heal thyself.
As I pointed out in my comment, I have some very valid expenses to be worried about. We need to tamp down our ridiculous energy bills – and, living next to a park, some sound insulation would be swell too – and Tim needs oral surgery within the next three years.
So in the next few years we’re looking at expenses equal to a year’s tuition at Harvard. Once we’re done with that, we can start saving just for the sake of saving.
And there will always be bills we didn’t anticipate. Like, say, the cost to brick up that wall so we can refinance. Or car repairs. (Though those come out of the car fund, thank goodness.) Or $300 to get the yard tamed. Or $400 for insulation. Or plumbing bills. Or… you get the point.
Having the big bills looming over me can sometimes be debilitating. It can be hard to feel sane, let alone safe.
It feels like we’re never putting much away. Part of that is because we’ve divided savings into the car fund, vacation fund, etc. But I know that the saved savings account will help make sure we’re stashing something away.
Still, once this flurry of contractors, yard work and insulation gets done, we need to focus on avoiding putting things on the credit card other than a few basics. Lower credit card bills will mean more of the paycheck can go into savings.
Maybe I’ll feel less anxious as the savings grow. But maybe not.
Do you guys feel financially safe? Do you think you ever will? How do you calm the panic?
Kat says
To me, there's a real quandary about the idea of financially safe. We get so pressed about how we're not going to have enough money, we're not saving enough, etc. I really had to take a step back and consider what I could take care of at the particular moment I'm in. What all of that pressure does is make you anxious about not having it all done by the time you read the article. That's not really practical- we save up through our working lives for retirement, and we are saving towards goals along the way.
So, for my own sanity, I had to build a mental defense system. I talked to a couple of financial planners and asked them what their projections were based on what I had so far, my illness, etc. I then outlined how I could work what they were suggesting into my budget, and looked at how things like various insurance types could help me in the long run. Finally, I also had to put a cap on both sides of the savings game- minimum and maximum. I also review how my savings are growing each month from being added to, and the approximated interest. This allows me to remind my head that I'm doing okay- my financial outlook is good, even if I hit a major road block tomorrow, I have enough in long term and emergency funds to fall back on, and that doesn't even count state unemployment or disability benefits, my various insurances (including one with a famous duck for a spokesanimal). I also remind myself that I've got several months of nonperishables food in the pantry, along with about a month's worth of precooked frozen meals. Having that mantra, and that knowledge, means that I feel secure without obsessing and beating myself up over every little indulgence.
The other thing I do is give back. By hitting sales, we donate goods to local foster children. Halloween candy goes to the food bank, along with the contents of the piggy bank we drop loose change into. When we use the buy 3 get 1 free at our local pet food store, that last one goes to a pet food pantry. Same with litter I buy dead cheap on sale. Finally, I also give time. I work with a local spay neuter clinic, a few cat rescues use me as a kitten feeder, and the like.
I'm not able to do a lot in terms of actually being on the front lines (my energy isn't up for that), but what I am able to do makes me feel better, and falls in with my way of thinking. Being poor in this country is like being chronically ill. People look at you through the "Just World" bias. This bias insists that you wouldn't be there unless you did something to take you that low. It has to be your fault, or it might happen to them. It's broken logic, and plain idiocy, but it seems to be pervasive and common. Until we get past it, as people and as a country, I don't think we will see much headway in the compassion we need to have for each other.
Abigail says
As always, excellent points.
Unfortunately, I don't have the energy/wherewithal to volunteer. I truly wish I did. But I think it's wonderful that you find a way to. And you're right: I could start stocking up when things are cheap and give some of the surplus to shelters or whatever. All those extreme couponers make me forget that you don't have to get something for free just to justify donating it.
I think it's great that you thought to set a min/max of saving to keep yourself sane. It's true that we're all inundated with the idea that we're probably not saving enough. But if you've put the right kind of plans in place (especially disability insurance — is yours through Aflac?) then you can save enough without going too crazy.
I actually need to switch to a SEP IRA now that we will actually be maxing mine out. That would allow us to contribute more than the regular IRA maximums, assuming we ever managed to get there financially. .
Kat says
My disability insurance policies are with Northwestern Mutual and State Farm. I have short term disability coverage through Aflac, which would cover me until the actual disability insurance claims can be processed and kick in. Now that I can, without being turned away, I out of health coverage through my employer, and bought an individual policy. This will allow me to purchase a second long term care/life insurance policy at a discounted rate. Between that, the IRA and 401k, two money market accounts, and SSI plus California disability and retirement, we've got most worst case scenarios planned for. I was incredibly lucky in having the parents I had- any time I got a significant amount of money (birthdays, graduations, inheritances, etc.), they put stuffed it away in a money market account. They also taught me to contribute from my first paychecks when I was a teenager, having me put two thirds away. Before my disorder caught up to me, those cushions meant I had the confidence to ask for the money I was worth, or walk away from a job that had issues that couldn't be ignored. Now it means I know I'm protected from what my illness could do to my finances.
As for charity work, I actually don't need to leave my bed to do most of what I do- I coordinate lists, make phone calls, and maintain a few spreadsheets for tax purposes. It's about an hour a week, and can be spread out, or condensed, depending on how I'm feeling. The kittens I end up bottle feeding are the solitary kittens who tend to just need a chance to get started, and caught up to the weight of a similarly aged litter. Once I get them to that point (and that doesn't take long), they're integrated into a litter for socialization and an increased chance to thrive.
With what I donate, most of it isn't free (California doesn't have doubling coupons), but it is bought on the cheap. Most of what goes to the pet food pantry is stuff that we feed our own pets- since a lot of people buy cheaper pet food for donation, an animal who needs a limited ingredient diet can be in trouble if the owner falls on hard times (plus, the pet pantry out here often provides food for foster families). Since the store has a buy 3 get 1 free, it makes it simple to just drop that extra off. We do it with food, treats, toys, litter, and even flea, tick, and other prevention meds (including ear mite drops). The stuff we donate to foster kids in the area is bought on the revolving sales aimed at parents throughout the year. Ten or twenty dollars can get a huge bag of clothes, or two back packs, pajamas, school supplies, or even stuffed animals. I consider the cost part of my mental health budget- because you can't beat the feeling of knowing you helped someone.
Crystal says
I feel financially safe for now. That "for now" is the important part. Last year, Mr. BFS needed $12,000 of dental work done over 2 months. That zeroed out our main emergency fund (we also have side accounts for specific goals and padding in our account we use to pay ourselves a biweekly paycheck). But while that emergency fund was below $10,000, I was a mess in my head. Should I have been? No. We are good. Compared to most, we are great. But when we are not exactly where I want us to be, I freak out. Money is personal and emotional on different levels for different people.
I don't donate much actual money to charity, but that's a combo of wanting to save and not trusting others with cash. But I give a ton of hours to charity. Over the last 10 years, I've volunteered tons of time to different organizations and people. I've been at the Houston SPCA, Angel Food Ministries, Meals on Wheels, and even hospice care. We were a foster family for a Pug rescue. Now I'm a "Big" in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program and spend time and about $15 every week hanging with my Little Bro'. I also foster again for a local pet rescue and donate my time to their local fundraising events.
So even if Revanche's friend feels like he did it all on his own, that's generally BS. No one makes it anywhere without someone's help in some way. Even if it's just the bosses deciding to hire you instead of someone else. There is contact and support from others. I think everyone should give back, even if they rather not do it with money.
Abigail says
Sounds like you definitely give valuable things to charity: your time. All the donations in the world are great, but don't do as much if they don't have enough people.
And I think that spending $12,000 would make anyone panicky — even people who are financially secure overall. Glad to hear that things returned to normal. I'd have been breathing into a paper bag if it'd been me.
Neurotic Workaholic says
A year's worth of tuition at Harvard, yikes! I feel confident, though, that you and Tim will work it out; it's clear from reading your blog and from the fact that you were raised by a frugal woman who taught you how to live frugally that you will get through it. Honestly, I think you're smart and prudent to consider all of these things; think of all those celebrity millionaires who blow through their fortunes and then declare bankruptcy, though they often still refuse to change their lifestyles and sink further into debt. You're the opposite of those people, and I think you'll come out better financially.
I've always struggled with money, because I'm an English teacher. I managed to avoid debt for the most part by working multiple jobs, but that made me very tired and stressed for years. So now I've learned to live more frugally, and my only splurges, really, are books and coffee, though I pay for those with gift cards earned from Swagbucks.
P.S. I had to put an old, inactive e-mail address down because every time I put my regular e-mail address and blog URL it ends up linking back to my account, so that anyone can access it if they click on my username.
Abigail says
I don't feel very frugal these days. Too much fast food and having to rely on people to do home repairs for us. Not that I'd have attempted masonry, but yard cleanup would probably have been in my purview. If I had normal energy levels, that is.
Books are always a good splurge. And I'm told that a nice coffee drink can feel very indulgent indeed. Glad you're making use of Swagbucks to help even more.
LeesieG says
Like most folks… at least I "think" it's like most folks… I waffle between feeling like we're doing alright to feeling decidedly financially insecure, particularly with regards to the future. We've paid off debts, adopted a frugal lifestyle as a life choice, save what we can, etc. We donate a small amount to charities. Our 2 sons are in college locally, still living at home, both of them working as well as going to school. Tuition at the local university has just about doubled since son #1 started. Mostly, though the panic sets in when I see grocery prices ratcheting up at an alarming rate, along with costs of everything else.
Abigail says
You're right. I think a lot of people go back and forth as prices rise or a nasty unexpected expense rears its head.
Linda says
I will never feel totally financially secure. I have no children and am already retired. I do work two part-time jobs.
I do volunteer work, which is mostly from home. I am a representative payee helping people who can't pay their bills do that. I do this through an agency here in town. I currently have two people in nursing homes and one lady who has schizophrenia as clients. The latter is much more time consuming than the two women in nursing homes. Title 19 makes paying their bills easy. Their only bills are their share of the nursing home bill and health insurance. They get to keep $50 per month. Takes me a couple of hours per month to do.
Abigail says
It's great that you can find a way to give back without stressing yourself too much. Sometimes just getting to and from the charity is enough to discourage people.
I'm sorry that you don't feel financially secure AND have to work 2 part-time jobs. Though I suppose if you did feel secure, you wouldn't have the jobs. Point being, it sucks and I'm sorry.
mmms says
We do what we can both retired, but a daughter who works and works and never seems to get ahead at all, she is 36 but not worried about her future, we are though, we help her out a lot, but she is our only, never given us any trouble, a talented creative type who lives simply, one cat, no boyfriend or children..we love her and will help her anyway we can. she prefers the most expensive city NYC but who knows..I am a softie for the kitty cats and others who barely live at all, I was a foster child most people treated me like crap except one family and they were not the religion of my mothers and we were not allowed to stay with them, I say people who really care and love children should adopt the foster kids cause they have so very little..I help many who are hungry, I am an excellent cook and a skinflint buying protein my hubs retired from the food industry, I double coupons to get food for practically free and know when the meat and poultry and fish will be 50 percent off, it is still good to cook or freeze and food places, pantries get little protein donations..It helps me to live a good simple life, the kiddies at the holidays and teens I get Target gift cards so their parents and the teens can choose what they want at after holiday sales, they still get the gift before the holidays…One never knows how much time one has on this terrestrial it cannot be about consumption and acquiring material possessions but caring and loving others..ciao
mmms says
I meant to convey my thoughts about loving our fellow man, isn't that really what life is all about, and not getting, but giving..My mom passed early and she always said it was better to give than to receive..all are the same in God's eyes, ALL, she never met anyone that she did not love and care about, she was a saint on this earth I cannot tell you how I have missed such a beautiful human being full of LOVE, she would have adored Pope Francis, it was her favorite saint Francis who adored the little animals..She felt all would see God and no sin was not forgivable, she was a real loving human being, in her honor I do a lot of things to help alleviate suffering, why are we here on this beautiful earth than to LOVE!!!!! Her birthday tomorrow St. Josephs' day to boot, so I get weepy and sentimental she did not live long but she really really LIVED AND LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abigail says
Phew, sounds like you make the most of what you've got.. and then some. I need to work more on getting coupons up and running again. Stores here in AZ round coupons up to $1 which can really save. But so many of the coupons I find are for food we just don't eat. And it's dangerous to get Tim hooked on a new product.
I am going to be doing more purposeful grocery shopping for the next week or so. (Can't really promise much past that.) So let's hope that lets us live a little leaner.
Revanche says
*hugs* LOTS of good points here too. I know I am miles away from feeling actual safety, but the fear has receded a little bit, from that white knuckle grip of five, even three, years ago.
I give money now, tiny bits of money but money nonetheless, because I can afford it better than the energy but I don't forget how precious any feeling of safety is and I certainly don't begrudge anyone the need for it. how could I?
When I'm feeling very strapped for cash, I look for ways to give to homeless shelters and such, it rarely costs me anything to do that and it helps us both: I clear out some space and the shelters give perfectly good things new life. Just keep steady, you'll get there. You've made so much progress over the years already.
Abigail says
Yes, I have to keep reminding myself that we're very blessed thanks to the world's best boss. And that the bonus I'll probably get in December will probably go a long way toward shoring up our savings for Tim's teeth. At least enough to (probably) get his lower jaw taken care of.
I just have to remind myself to breathe. And to not weep when the masonry bills come in.
Funny about Money says
Yup, I hear ya!
The annoying thing is, just when you finally DO begin to feel financially safe, some new damnfool thing comes along to deflate your balloon. I was feeling nice and smug, oh, just a few days ago. Yesterday the pool pump gave out.
Cheapest replacement I can see is $260 — not including installation. The newer ones, which supposedly save you on power bills — run upwards of $1500. There goes the tax refund I imagined would tide me through the summer…
Abigail says
Ugh, sounds disheartening. It's shocking how much these things cost. When our wall oven gives out, I'm going to have someone put in cupboards where it is, and we'll have them cut into where the stovetop is now and just put in a range. Why? Because even the cheapest wall oven is around $1,000.
I really need to start looking at my taxes. I think we'll get a little something back. But probably not that much. Last year we got $400 back from AZ, but even that big a refund now wouldn't show up until at least May.
TLC says
I'm up and down. I sometimes feel "hopeless".. like I'm drowing in debt and will never see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm embarrassed by my poor financial choices in the past. I live paycheck to paycheck, no real room for saving or spending, despite (now) living within my means. However, friends often remind me my situation isn't hopeless. I have a job I like, benefits, a home, a car, clothes, food on the table, etc. So I try to give myself a "break" remembering it's never too late to make positive changes. Since the beginning of the year, I've implemented a new budgeting plan and started using more cash. So far, it's working WONDERS for my peace of mind. I see where my money is going and know what to expect (for the most part) each payday. It's allowed me to avoid as many "oops." Still room for improvement, but it's moving in the right direction.
Abigail says
Yeah, I think taking stock is the best way to stay sane.
I'm glad the new budget is helping. We use debit for 90% of things. Which allows me to log in and then nearly throw up when I see how much we're spending on convenience food. I guess it'll keep me motivated to cook.
And I think everyone probably has room for improvement.
Catseye says
No, I've haven't felt financially safe for over 20 years now. But I've always worried about money, even when I was a child because mom played mind games with me, constantly complaining about how poor we were (we were lower middle-class). Also, I didn't go to college and the company I gave 23 years to under-paid me for most of those years before it went under. *sigh*
Also, I'm not working on a regular basis. The tight job market and being over 50 doesn't help matters either. When I get stressed out and depressed about the situation, I remind myself that I've been in tight spots before and came through in one piece. Also, I have family/friends I'm reasonably certain who will help me if worse comes to worst. Reading blogs like yours also helps. ;o)
Abigail says
Aw shucks. Glad to help.
I'm sorry your life has been so stressful financially. Looking back, I guess I haven't really felt financially secure since I was still in college. That's about 13 years, which saddens me. With trying to run a rooming house while not being able to work full-time, then having to go on disability, then dealing with debt from Tim's student loans and other ways we had gotten in deep… At least I can remember that we're in a better place than we've ever been. That's gotta count for something.
Punkin Pye says
I tend to be a fearful person by nature, especially about finances. Over the the years my faith has (mostly) overcome my fears. When I feel financial anxiety coming on, as an act of faith, I give to those less fortunate. This reminds me that God is my source and will always supply all my needs. He has never disappointed us and has always supplied everything we needed and then some.
arianaauburn12 says
Feeling financially safe can only be experienced in short intevaks. Even if you yave enough to live on, life can throw a few curve balls and make u spend more than u want to. If you want to save money on yard work, try doing some small plots of weeds bit by bit every day.
Funny abcout Money says
I made a weird little discovery about oral surgery: if you can get a medical doctor to do it, your insurance may cover it. Some dental procedures can be done by an MD. Literally, health insurance will cover the SAME procedure if it's done by an MD but not if it's done by a DDS. Might be worth checking into.