I’m sure it hasn’t escaped your attention that I’m posting less and, when I do post, the schedule is erratic. The simple truth is that I’m having a very hard time.
It’s not just the worry about future insurance premiums if Trumpcare passes. It’s not just my feelings about the president’s words, actions and general demeanor. It’s not even the stress of the volume of our combined appointments.
It’s everything and nothing.
It all catches up with you
Things are tough right now for both Tim and myself. It’s not something I really want to delve into, but suffice it to say that the past year has been hard for both of us. (I suppose that ought to be patently obvious given his suicidal ideation last year.)
The hurdles have made us both weary, making it even harder to keep up with the demands of a chronically ill life. It’s not great for a relationship either.
So yeah, the last 13 or so months have taken a lot out of us. And the grace periods that life usually (begrudgingly) provides seem to be getting shorter to the point that they no longer feel restorative.
Perhaps we’ve simply been putting off this bottoming out because we were too busy dealing with the latest problem. We’ve spent the last 10 years putting out fires on the financial, physical and mental health fronts. Maybe it’s the cumulative effect of 10 years of avoidance.
Of course, it’s entirely possible that things haven’t changed. Maybe the seemingly shortened respites are, in fact, the same as they’ve always been. Maybe the depression is just making them feel less restorative.
But whether or not it’s in our heads, the result is the same. We’re running on fumes, and brief, quiet interludes aren’t doing enough. It’s like putting $5 in an empty gas tank. It’ll move you forward, but not for long. And sometimes the needle doesn’t even budge off E.
It’s time for a change
I’ve known for a while now that my depression symptoms weren’t being as well-controlled as usual. But in each case it seemed like there was a root cause that was a temporary issue, like when I wasn’t sleeping enough. I didn’t want to make a long-term change to deal with a short-term problem.
But even if they are temporary problems, they keep coming one after the other, so that it’s the same as having one long-term issue. And I’m not equipped to keep taking the blows. Not to mention that it’s entirely possible that the worsening depression is what’s making each one’s impact so forceful.
In the end, it’s pretty clear that I need to change my current medication situation — and that’s a problem.
Top of my (drugs’) class
I’m at or near the top of both Lamictil’s and Wellbutrin’s recommended dosages. Which means adjusting my meds will bring a host of problems.
The best case scenario is that the doctor adds a new medication to the current regimen. But that brings a few dangers with it.
It’s not just a problem of potential side effects. It’ll require more frequent appointments to check the progress, and it’ll almost certainly require some fiddling with the dosage before we get it right. In other words, more stress and probably a waiting period for relief.
A middle ground is that I’m currently using a mood stabilizer as a sleep aid, and it’s been known to help people with Bipolar/Bipolar II Disorder. But it’s also known to cause major weight gain/compulsive eating in some patients. Lower doses don’t do much, but that side effect is more likely to kick in as the dosage goes up.
I already have problems with overeating. In fact, I’m trying to determine whether my current, rather nasty bout is from the new medication or the depression. It’s hard to tell, but I suspect it’s just the depression killing my willpower.
Finally, the worst case scenario: The psychiatrist changes one of my medications altogether. That process requires you slowly wean off one med and slowly increase the dosage of the other. Which is to say that for a certain period of time you don’t have enough of either one in your system.
It could be different if he just changes the Wellbutrin, but I don’t know. And I suspect switching off Lamictil would be a horror show.
But at this point, I don’t have much choice.
An uncertain future
All this is to say that I don’t think my erratic posting is going to stop any time soon. But I’m hoping that getting my meds squared away with help get me to the point that I can just even, as the kids today (don’t) say.
I want to come back to you guys. I feel like I’ve left you high and dry, though some of that is probably the depression talking. But I can’t think of subjects, which means I can’t think of what to write — or motivate myself to stop bingeing stuff on Netflix to escape from reality.
I want to get back to talking about finance since that’s half of what this blog is supposed to be about. But right now finances aren’t stressful enough to break through the fog of depression. And if they were, the depression would probably make me run and hide from them.
The cat has just decided that my outstretched, typing arms are a good place for a nap, so I’ll leave it here for now.
Just know that, as weird as this may sound, I miss you when my blog is quiet. I just don’t quite have the wherewithal to fix that right now.
Mrs. Picky Pincher says
We’re here to support you, whether you post every day or once a year! I love that you’re so candid about your struggles. More people struggle with these things than we all care to admit, so it’s good to see you working your way through it. Keep kicking your depression’s ass. 🙂
Mrs. Picky Pincher recently posted…What A Frugal Weekend! July 9
Abigail says
I’ll do my best. And thank you for your support. I’m glad my openness helps people because your guys’ support truly helps me.
teinegurl says
I miss your blog too. Even though I don’t know you personally I feel like I do and your an old friend. Just take your time and know people will still read slowly here and there. I don’t really have any advice but I will say im also worried about “Trumpcare” as I like to call it. I’m on state medical insurance as our my 2 kids and if they got cut and I had to pay for insurance out of my pocket it would cost me and arm and a leg. I wouldn’t be able to afford it. Though we are all relatively healthy it just seems like BIG cuts to not only health but A LOT of social services which helps single parents one way or another. Not to get to political so ill leave it at that. Take care Abby and Tim as well .
Abigail says
I know what you mean — I feel like I know frequent commenters as much as any other friend I have. Your support over the years has meant more than I can say. And we’ll just keep our fingers crossed that representatives listen to their constituents about the bill’s damaging effects on the average American — given that this bill’s original intent was allegedly to lower the cost of healthcare.
Ghost Town says
Take care of yourself and know that we are here, quietly supporting you from afar. Thank you for sharing so much of your journey and letting us into your life. I enjoy your blog, and miss posts when they aren’t there, but want you to be able to focus on navigating your life and health. Best wishes!
Abigail says
Letting you guys into my life has been a rewarding experience. I’ve gotten a ton of support and insight from you folks over the years, so really I should thank you guys for being there. And I’ll do my best to keep at least a couple of posts comin’ a week so you don’t miss me too much 😉
Mrs. Adventure Rich says
Sending you a virtual hug and know that we’ll be here whether you post once a year or once a day! The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and your loved ones. You are in my prayers… keep fighting and, like Miss Penny Pincher mentioned, keep kicking depression’s ass! 🙂
Mrs. Adventure Rich recently posted…Adventure Challenge #1: Find Free Summertime Activities
Abigail says
I never stop fighting. Well, maybe sometimes I stop fighting, watch Netflix and eat too many Red Vines. But most days I never stop fighting. Thank you for the virtual hug. I feel lovingly squeezed.
Kate @ Cashville Skyline says
I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time, Abigail. I’ve been in those rocky spots with depression, too. The state of our country and healthcare certainly doesn’t help. I know it’s still a few months ago, but are you going to FinCon?
Kate @ Cashville Skyline recently posted…The Best Defense Against the Gender Pay Gap
Abigail says
Yep, another reason I need to get on an even keel (and stop eating so damn much — don’t want to have to buy all new clothes!). I’m looking forward to it, but given everything I’m dealing with, I’m definitely glad it’s later this year.
Ann says
Your raw honesty is mind-blowing! Thank you for trusting us with your story and I will be here looking for your posts, whenever you can post!
Abigail says
Thanks, and thank you for your support. I’m trying to crawl my way back above it, but it’s taking a while.
Donna Freedman says
“We’re running on fumes, and brief, quiet interludes aren’t doing enough. It’s like putting $5 in an empty gas tank. It’ll move you forward, but not for long. And sometimes the needle doesn’t even budge off E.”
And that, dear girl, is why you need to keep writing: You have a gift.
You don’t have to write every day, or even two or three times a week. Write when it’s in you to write. If other folks’ comments are any indication, plenty of readers will be waiting.
Donna Freedman recently posted…The quinoa whisperer.
Abigail says
Well, you’re biased. But thank you.
Lily He-Prudhomme says
First time commenting (although I’ve glimmer from afar via Twitter for a long bit.) I’m not going to only give you a virtual hug (totally free) but I also think you’re brave to write anything so personal. Much props!! My blog is a bundle of small jokes but never too emotional or close because I think I’m a coward 🙂 takes talent to spill.
Lily He-Prudhomme recently posted…Bad Plumbing? Slow Drainage? Ant Invasion? Should You Hire a PRO or DIY?
Abigail says
Thank you for the hug (and for following me on Twitter). First of all, we all need a laugh, so don’t underestimate a bundle of small jokes. But more importantly, I don’t think it’s cowardice not to be forthcoming.
Some things are private to people. How much you divulge on your blog is entirely up to your comfort level. Some blogs are there to dole out advice and anecdotes (and small jokes). Some blogs are there to help the blogger him/herself work through things. The world needs both. And maybe the longer you blog the more comfortable you’ll feel sharing. Or maybe you’re best off holding back parts of your life. (One long-term blogger I read — A Gain Shan Life —
blogs anonymously and holds a certain amount of detail back. She hasn’t even disclosed the sex of her kid because she doesn’t want to expose the child too much at this stage of its life. A very valid point/worry.)
Blogging is ultimately a selfish thing, no matter how altruistic the blogger’s intent. It’s there for us to announce publicly that our thoughts are worthy of strangers’ attention, and we expect our audiences to come along for our journey and be there for us when things are less than perfect. Honestly, I blog partially because you awesome folks give me so much support.
So if you want your blog to stay light, then that’s how it should be. If later you decide to expose more of your life or struggles, then that’s good too. And honestly, health problems (mental and physical) consume so much of our lives, I don’t think I could manage to keep it all out of the blog anyway.
BethC. says
Also a first time commenter (but I have been lucky enough to have coffee with your Mom a couple of times when she has been in NJ). I second her comment that you are a gifted writer, and you have a great sense of humor. Rest, try to bring a few simple things in your life that bring you joy, and be assured that your readers will be patiently waiting for you when you feel better and can start to post again.
Abigail says
Hi Beth, thank you for commenting now! Also, thank you for your kind words. It’s reassuring to know that you guys are here — waiting but also patient. It’s why I’ve stuck with this site for so long: awesome readers.
Penny @ She Picks Up Pennies says
I’m so glad you posted. And I’m so glad you’re taking breaks from posted as needed. You do whatever is best for you and Tim. We will be here ready to read whenever you need us.
Best of luck to you with the doctor and the medication. Hoping you get some answers or at least a new plan going. Hugs, hugs, hugs.
Abigail says
Thanks, that’s definitely the plan. I know I have to take a break, but it makes me sad when I do. I just know it makes me feel worse to try to push it. It’s a balancing act of encouraging myself without pressuring myself. Uneven results, I’m afraid.
You take care of yourself too, since I’m pretty sure you’re just about at the big day.
Linda G says
I hope all evens out. If you are looking for a new medication: I have been on Trintellix for a couple of years now and find it to be very effective – without a lot of side effects (I even managed to get on a diet and lose 30 lbs. I gained with other antidepressants while taking it). They even have a program that makes the copay $10 a month (a godsend). I hope I am not overstepping here – just trying to offer some help. I’m here cheering for you.
Abigail says
No, it’s good to know the names of other medications. I have to find out first which medication my doctor wants to work on. But if he mentions multiple names, it’s good to have one to pick out specifically. I’m glad it’s working for you!
Catseye says
I’ve felt that something was off with you for a long time, so you have just confirmed my gut feeling. Abby, do what’s necessary to regain your equilibrium and some measure of peace of mind. Please take care of yourself. I hope Tim is doing what he needs to do, also.
This is one of my fave blogs, but if you can’t do regular posts for a while, you can’t. Please don’t worry about us, we’ll be here when you’re ready.
Abigail says
Awwww thank you. You and a few other long-time readers really feel like old friends at this point. Tim is also doing what he needs to. He’s getting out a bit more by going to the dog park, despite the heat, and he has a therapist and someone monitoring his medications. We’re both doing what we can to restore ourselves and still be there a little for the other person.
Codee says
Thank you for once again being so open and vulnerable. What you write is important.
If it’s any consolation, a friend with a similar diagnosis had a rough year or two and has had a better five years since a medication update. We were just talking about how few people could understand how regimented his life really is and his he hides his diagnosis to function in the work situation he has. Life doesn’t have fair handouts but know when you’re able to write, it’s a gift to others. Let go of any guilt and care for yourself.
Emily @ JohnJaneDoe says
Sorry that you’re going through this, and we’re here for you when you’re ready for us. Thanks for opening up, as you so often do, but do what you can to refill the tank.
The stress of dealing with the new normal in DC is rough for me, too, especially when I have folks around me who don’t see it as a departure or anything to worry about. It’s not nothing and I don’t want it to be normal. And while I can only empathize with the rest, I send good wishes your way.
Emily @ JohnJaneDoe recently posted…Procrastinating My Way to Better Finances
Susan says
Well darn. I do understand the medication issues. My husband has made changes several times and it is like “Oh boy, here we go again”. So sorry you are dealing with this. Hang in there.
Katherine says
From personal experience the Food is a catch 22. It makes you feel better for about a minute then it makes you worse. You know more about your depression than I do but trying eating a healthier diet of veggies, fruit and protein. Avoid carbs . See if it helps any.
Amanda says
Oh, girl. I hear you. And the healthcare piece of the equation is a devastating blow to an already precarious situation. I know that when I was going through my very hard time, just knowing that there was a doctor’s appointment scheduled that MIGHT bring relief helped ease some of the angst that came with the anxiety and depression. I hope you get some relief soon.
Amanda recently posted…The Reality of My Financial Independence Goal
Jenny Meany says
I’m sorry that things are sucking right now for you guys. I do miss your posts, but will consider anything you do get out to be “bonus material” until you’re back up to your normal speed again. (I’m stuck on the car analogies now too.)
Tina in NJ says
Abbey, you gotta do what you gotta do. I’m really glad that all your hard work on the the financial front has you in a position that you can concentrate on your health without worrying about that as well (politics not withstanding). You’ve taken on a lot lately (dog, car, windows); it’s time to concentrate on the other. Go pet the critters and hug the hubby and we’ll see you when we see you.
Lisa O says
((((Hugs)))) life sucks for everyone at some point. I love that you are so honest with us on your blog! Don’t ever feel that you are letting us down but know that you have a little community that enjoys your writing and outlook on life when perfection just cannot always be.
Keep on keeping on because your writing is a gift!
Jennifer says
Don’t worry…we’ll be here when you are back and ready to write. For now take care of yourself 🙂
Jessica Bittner says
Hi Abby, You need to care of yourself both mentally and physically first. Your readers will always be here to support you and read whatever you post. So even if it’s just once every couple of weeks, we’ll still be here, cheering you on. Good luck and take care of yourself.
Punkin Pye says
Abby, I don’t know if the depression is allowing you feel it, but I’m seeing a lot of love here. Through words on a virtual page you have touched many people who genuinely care about you. Following your story has fed our spirits. Don’t worry about how often you post. We’re not going anywhere. We just want you to take care of yourself.
Never minimize your success. After the ridiculous number of adversities you and Tim have been through, it is a triumph that you are both still standing. I remember once when writing about you in her blog, your mother wrote, “Why does it have to be so darn hard?” I would give anything to have an answer for that. I would also give anything to be nearby so I could give you some more practical support and comfort.
As far as the depression goes, I’ve been where you are. I think it would have done a world of good if there was someone nearby who I could have leaned on for emotional support. Is there anyone you can call on? We all love you but I think you need someone there who can actually hold your hand and get you through this? You need to get some support around you.
You are an amazing woman and we love you. I will be praying for you.
Heather Johnson says
Hire out/in as much as you can and call Mom. And make family members use Uber so you dont have to be the uber etc. Hang in there. Plus- the summer will be over soon. The heat cannot be helping. As someone that has chronic fatigue, pain, and depressive issues myself. The summer turns me into a slug and I cannot move. For me- Its an extra layer of “Ugh”. Perhaps you need a restorative trip to go see mom? Head to Alaska- work in the colder weather?
Anna says
The two things I can think of that might help you right now would be exercise and maybe CBT.
Exercise has been proven to have mood stabilizing effects, so if you aren’t doing any but are able, maybe it would be worth pursuing.
There are two free online CBT courses I know of– one for depression and one for anxiety. I haven’t done them myself, but they’re recommended by the psychiatrist behind psycheducation.org. See: http://psycheducation.org/treatment/psychotherapy-for-bipolar-disorder/free-online-computerized-cbtcognitive-behavioral-therapy-for-depression/
(I read about them because my husband is firmly opposed to counseling. Unfortunately, I think his opposition to counseling would also feed through into an opposition to online counseling. You might be different, though. You seem more sensible about this sort of thing, at least.)
(And whatever else, don’t worry about your audience. Take care of yourself.)
Kate says
Abigail, we love you regardless. There is no objective standard of perfection that has to be met. May God(dess)/Nature/the Universe be with you at this time! We’re all pulling for you to come out on the other side of this stronger than ever!
FrugalStrong says
I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said. I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you.
FrugalStrong (formerly Lake Livin’)
Abigail says
Thank you. I definitely feel the love and support. I hope your rebranding is going well, by the way. It’s a great name.
Harmony@CreatingMyKaleidoscope says
I just wanted to chime in to say that you have a lot of followers sending well wishes. We’re all hoping your doctor’s can help improve your condition. Please keep us posted, when you’re up to it.
Harmony@CreatingMyKaleidoscope recently posted…Creative Ways To Refresh Your Wardrobe (So You Can Stick With That Shopping Ban)
Abigail says
Thank you, and I definitely will!
Lynn says
Sometimes you have to step away and take care of yourself before you can continue to take care of / inspire others. We as women have to learn that lesson and understand and accept that it’s not only OK, but necessary for all involved. Do what you need to do for you & yours. We’ll be waiting when you’re ready & able to share your world with us. Take care.
Abigail says
Yes, it’s hard to remember to leave energy/room for yourself. I get swept up in it sometimes; but years of chronic fatigue have perhaps made me an expert in how to set limits. I’m not perfect about it, but I think I mainly do okay. Thank you for your patience and support.
Becky says
I really hope things are getting better for you..all these things pass..hold on x
ZJ Thorne says
So much love and understanding for this. I hope that you’ve found the balance you need. Solidarity, friend!
ZJ Thorne recently posted…Net Worth Week 74 – Fall is Coming Edition