A couple of weeks ago I was having a ho-hum day. I made a joking post on the blog’s Facebook page/Twitter feed to that effect:
Is “lying in front of the TV feeling sorry for myself” a marketable life skill? Asking for a friend.
Shortly thereafter, sometimes tweeted back to be happy because life is good.
You don’t know me
Never, ever tell someone you don’t know to cheer up or be happy.
Even if you “know” the person through social media postings, you probably don’t know the full story of their life.
Maybe a loved one died. Maybe she just got a terrible medical diagnosis. Maybe she’s being sexually harassed at work. Maybe they’re a depressive experiencing a bad spell.
If you knew those factors, would you dare tell that person to buck up? No, because then you’d (hopefully) feel like an insensitive asshat. (Asshat being the technical term. It’s a very real, very serious, chronic medical diagnosis. But hey, cheer up.)
The damage you may do
No matter how well-meant your encouragement, telling someone to be happy is minimizing their feelings — including potentially very serious, very devastating emotional turmoil.
It’s especially dangerous if the person is depressed. Someone just diagnosed with cancer or who just lost a parent will know her feelings are valid, and they’ll probably feel more comfortable telling the person to go fornicate him/herself.
Depressives, on the other hand, already tend to suffer from self-doubt. They often downplay the validity of their symptoms. They feel like they should be able to snap out of their “funk.”
Since those funks are actually their disease flaring up, the power of positive thinking usually makes about as much dent as chanting affirmations to get over pneumonia.
Alas, the depressive rarely sees it that way. Instead, it’s just one more way they’ve failed, one more shortcoming to scold themselves for, one more reason not to like themselves.
So your cheerful urgings can exacerbate depressives’ existing suspicion that there’s something inherently wrong with them. Rather than making them happy, you may have further convinced them that they’re defective.
My situation
Most of you know my situation, but just to recap (in case any new readers find this post).
I spent most of the summer struggling with Tim while he was severely depressed, sometimes suicidal. Since I have chronic fatigue and am a depressive myself, that pretty much depleted my energy and coping skills.
Then we got the puppy, which Tim has mainly taken care of. But he did have a short (but bad) fibro spell a few days into puppy-ownership.
So for about three days I was the one mainly taking the dog to relieve herself. It’s only about 100 yards to the park, but I was doing it while very weary — and carrying a 12-lb dog back and forth. (Hot AZ sidewalks and tender puppy paws don’t mix.)
Then things went back to normal — that is, Tim taking over the bulk of puppy-tending, including cleaning up lots and lots of pee — but by then I really had nothing left.
FinCon was supposed to recharge me, but that whole sepsis thing kind of nixed that and left me significantly worse for wear. I felt pretty awful for the full 12 days of antibiotics and then several more just for good measure.
And that’s where I was when I did the Facebook and Twitter post.
I was (mostly) kidding — or at least trying to find humor in the situation. So getting even a well-meant, forced enema of positivity was not helpful. Or desired.
I know the guy meant well, and I told him so. But I also politely told him that I’m disabled and clinically depressed, so he really can’t speak to my life. And that well-intentioned sentiments like his could inadvertently minimize someone’s legitimate pain and suffering.
What it says about you
I’m about 70% sure he came away thinking I was just overly negative. That there’s nothing wrong with putting out positivity in the world.
But sometimes there is.
You are, however benignly, trying to dictate a person’s emotions. And no matter how selfless you think you’re being by spreading all that cheer and sunshine, you’re actually probably being a tad selfish.
After all, when has telling someone to be happy ever actually resulted in the person saying, “You know what? You’re right! Life is amazing and my worries/concerns/frustrations are meaningless and moot. Thank you, stranger, for this valuable perspective!”
Never. (I hope.)
Which means you aren’t really expecting that kind of reversal. Which means it’s far more likely that you’re saying it because, deep down, other people’s unhappiness makes you uncomfortable. And that discomfort is a very common, very understandable reaction. But it’s also…
Not our problem
But it’s not our job to keep you comfortable. Our job is to navigate our own lives. And sometimes life just sucks.
Whether or not you feel we’re validly assessing/reacting to said suckage is completely moot. It doesn’t — or shouldn’t — matter. All that happens when you voice that positivity is that we occasionally feel worse. Which, I assume, is rather the opposite of your intent.
So please stop telling me to be happy. That’s not your decision to make.
How do you react to being told to be happy? Does it upset you or do you appreciate the sentiment?
Sarah says
After going through some hard things myself, I decided that I would *NEVER AGAIN* ask someone certain questions, or respond to people’s feelings in a certain way. Of course, I’ve kicked myself one too many times as those very things I vowed not to say came pouring out at a time when I just wanted to help or say something encouraging. So, I think it’s so good that you called him out since we all have to rethink how we respond to other peoples issues/feelings/situations, but at the same time it can’t hurt to give people who respond that way a little bit of leeway. At least the first time.
Abigail says
Yeah, that’s why I try to emphasize, “I know you probably didn’t mean this/realize…” And yes, we all find ourselves verbally backsliding a little from time to time. But I usually just follow it up with what I think should’ve been said.
Elizabeth Vega says
I’ve never liked being told to “smile” or “cheer up,” particularly by men so deep into their privilege that they think there’s nothing wrong with trying to adjust a woman’s face of demeanor to suit their comfort level.
But then there are the well-meaning ones, the “let it go,” and “it’s not that bad” people. Except sometimes we aren’t ready to let it go. And sometimes it is that bad.
Once, when a friend wrecked his car right after buying it, I showed up and said “Well that sucks!” He thanked me, and told me that I was the only person who hadn’t said something like “Thank God you’re OK,” or “At least you have insurance.” A couple of drinks later, after having spent enough time (by his own determination) with his feelings, he was ready to start talking about solutions. And I was happy to accompany him through some lighter emotions.
Sometimes, we have to acknowledge and accept the unpleasant reality of our situation before we are well and truly ready to begin the work required to remedy it. And that happens for each person in her own time. It cannot be rushed.
I think the greatest gift we can offer is the willingness to sit with someone during their darker moments without trying to expedite their process. That takes a lot of practice, and a willingness to be uncomfortable. But it’s so worth it.
Thank you so much for this post., it’s really given me a lot to think about!
Abigail says
Beautifully, beautifully put!
I remember when I was 23 and told a new doctor I’d had Guillain-Barre. Other doctors expressed surprise, asked how severe it was, etc. She looked me square in the eye and said, “That must have been so hard for you.” I got teary and sniffly and just kind of sputtered out, “It was. Thank you.” I try to say something similar when I talk to someone who is fighting or has overcome something serious.
Donna Freedman says
“I’ve never liked being told to “smile” or “cheer up,” particularly by men so deep into their privilege that they think there’s nothing wrong with trying to adjust a woman’s face of demeanor to suit their comfort level.”
This! It is not our job to decorate the world. Some days you just don’t feel like smiling — and some days there’s a real reason that you not only can’t smile but can barely hold it together.
Being told that you should “cheer up” is hugely inappropriate on any of those days. If I needed help figuring out how to feel, I’d ask. (Hint: I don’t, and I won’t.)
Donna Freedman recently posted…Which Halloween mask is scarier: Trump or Clinton?
Abigail says
Hee hee. Go, Mom.
Taylor Lee @ Yuppie Millennial says
I generally appreciate when friends tell me point out what’s going well when I am having an anxious/depressive episode. It doesn’t change my mood much, but I know they care for me and mean well. They never flatly say “you should be happy” though (because of the minimizing emotions thing). If a stranger did that to me, I’d be annoyed. Especially if it was a dude.
Abigail says
Yeah, I think friends can approach it in a way that is helpful. If you say you feel terrible and nothing seems to be going your way, they can help by giving you some hope with concrete examples. Rather than just “be happy.”
Practical Parsimony says
People often want to be smarter, the savior, the counselor while they stand in line at the grocery or wherever. So, they intrude themselves and give sanctimonious advice.
I was in a grocery store when a complete and total stranger from several clerks over said loudly to me, “Cheer up. You look like someone died!” She had such a superior smile on her face.
Then, I turned to her and just as loudly said, “Someone did die–my mother!” Everyone gasped and looked at her. I just turned and walked away as she tried to apologize and follow to talk with me. I rebuffed her as I cried. She was just so judgmental about how my face should look. It was puffy from crying, so she should have guessed something bad had happened. (It could have been my father who died because I just don’t remember.)
Her remark made me feel worse. I would not appreciate someone telling me about how well other things were going in my life at any time I was sad or bummed out, even if it was not a death.
Practical Parsimony recently posted…Shoe Polishing…Almost One Hundred Years Ago
Abigail says
I’m glad you stood up to her, though I’m sorry about the circumstances. I hope that woman thought twice (or four times, actually) before EVER saying that again.
Susan says
Sometimes regeneration can look like laziness! I start to feel guilty when I run out of band width and do things that look to others like time-wasters. I don’t have any health problems, but am not in the blush of youth… Maybe a good comeback could be: “lay off, I’m charging my batteries”…
Abigail says
“Run out of bandwidth” — I like that one. And yes, it’s not laziness but just taking care of yourself. Which can indeed involve a bit of self-pity.
Suzanne in VA says
So what do we say to someone when we cant understand why they are so troubled but would like to say something helpful? Perhaps?
Abigail says
I think the key is to remember that you can sympathize, even if you can’t empathize.
“I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. Do you want to talk about it?”
“That sucks, is there anything I can do to make it/your day better?”
“Oh, no! What’s wrong? (If you feel up to talking about it.)”
“Life is just so unfair sometimes, isn’t it? Feel free to rant to me if you need to.”
“You know I’m here any time you feel like talking.”
“Make sure you take some time to take care of yourself during stressful times.”
“I know I can’t solve your actual problems, but is there anything that I can do to make you feel better right now?”
“You know I’m here for you whenever you need me.”
“Oof, I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a bad time. I hope things get better soon. I’ll keep you in my thoughts/prayers.”
“Remember, this too shall pass. And in the meantime, it just sucks. I’m here if you need me.” or “And in the meantime, it’s totally understandable to be upset/angry/sad. I hope it gets better sooner rather than later.” or “And in the meantime, it’s about struggling through the awfulness. I hope you don’t have to struggle through it for too long.”
And if it’s a stranger, don’t say anything. If the person is outright crying (when I was in the hospital on life support, Mom broke down a few times in public), you can ask if they need something or maybe offer to get them somewhere they can sit down.
Lila says
Our society is obsessed with happiness. One time I had something awful happen and an acquaintance told me to go volunteer at a hospital and how there are orphans in Africa and stuff that my life wasn’t that bad. WTF.
Then a couple of weeks later I saw him and he complained about his problems and I reminded him of his advice. He didn’t like it and I told him I didn’t like it when he ignored me that one day when I just wanted to talk. As if my problems aren’t valid.
I can’t act like a Stepford Wife when I don’t feel happy. Sometimes my problems aren’t that bad and I just want to talk about them because it helps me. Do I have to be an orphan for my problems to matter? Am I a non-person?
Abigail says
I love love LOVE that you turned it around on him. Maybe he’ll think twice in the future.
And yes, even when we’re dealing with First World problems, we’re entitled to a little self-pity and a sympathetic ear.
Amanda says
It’s like telling women to smile. No. Do not do it. I will make decisions about my facial expressions. Period. It makes me crazy.
Side note: Musher’s Secret is supposed to help for hot and cold surfaces. It’s a wax and I rub some on my dogs’ paws in the winter. It seems to help, especially on those super cold days.
Abigail says
Thanks, I’ll definitely keep that product in mind.
Luckily, no one has ever been stupid enough to tell me to smile. By the way, you NEED to watch this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bORO0FjKd0
Vickie@Vickie's Kitchen and Garden says
I so can understand this…we don’t know what’s going on in other people’s lives. I was talking to an acquaintance and started to say we had a bad year and I hope that next year was better (3 people from our family had passed away that year). Before I could explain he said what a good year he had. Went on to praise his wonderful trip away. I felt like saying something then decided he wasn’t worth the trouble. Some people just don’t understand. It’s funny how I still remember that! I need to forgive I guess.
Vickie@Vickie’s Kitchen and Garden recently posted…Free Kindle Books for Today 10/25/16!
Abigail says
Something like that can be hard to get over, I think. I know I’d begrudge him for a while. Then again, many folks are better people than I. I think people need to learn to sympathize, even if they can’t empathize. Even something small before bragging about a great year can mean a lot to the person who had a crappy one.
Lisa O says
When I am told to smile or be happy …. I usually just smile back. No one ever knows truly what one is going thru. I never look for others to justify my feelings. You know yourself better than anyone else and some people are blessed with almost perfect lives and some of us aren’t. It is not that you are being negative or a Debbie Downer your are just going thru something that needs to be felt.
Abigail says
I think most women, despite our best intentions, just smile back. It’s reflexive because it’s still, unfortunately, what gets ingrained in a lot of us: Be good, make others happy, etc. So yes, it’s important to at least remember that it’s the other person’s problem not ours. But I still hope to be able to educate a few people (as politely as possible) who say it to me — virtually or in person.
Impossible Girl says
To someone with depression: “Just cheer up!”
To someone with cancer: “Just get better!”
To someone who lost a limb in a car accident “Just grow another one!”
Ok so the last example is a little extreme but I feel like it’s along the same lines. To a healthy person, feeling a little tired or sad or ill is a temporary condition but not everyone is “healthy.” (I use quotations because the standard of health is different for everyone). And just being happy or just getting better can feel as likely as spontaneously sprouting a replacement limb. The bottom line is you never know what someone is going through, especially when viewing their lives through the snapshot in time of social media.
p.s., have you considered little booties for your puppy, they are specifically made to protect their feet from hot sidewalks and, more importantly, are friggin ADORABLE
Abigail says
Yep. I think my favorite explanation comes from the book Shoot the Damn Dog, where someone invites the author out for a picnic. She says she can’t because she’s too depressed. The friend asks how she can be depressed on such a beautiful day. She replies that it’s like asking her how she can have the flu on such a beautiful day. It’s a disease. Hopefully, her friend was chagrined.
And I do want to stress that it’s not just depressives, though obviously that’s usually my issue. The person could have huge financial troubles, could have had a nasty accident, could have a sick/dead relative or loved one… The possibilities (unfortunately) are endless. Perhaps the person is just having a self-pity day full of First World problems. But even that doesn’t mean she’s not entitled to any sadness. Grumble grumble.
(And yes booties are a potential solution next summer when she’s waaaay too big to carry.)
Money Beagle says
One thing to consider for the hot sidewalk / carrying the dog issue, should it arise in the future, is getting a small wagon. The dog can still get its exercise when it gets to the park, but that would save you the burden of having to carry it there, which it sounds like was a load that you just didn’t need at that time.
I’m not commenting on the actual theme of the post because I think you covered it 100%! 🙂
Money Beagle recently posted…I May Never Buy A GE Appliance Again
Abigail says
Haha, glad to know I was thorough! Ideally, as she gets bigger we’ll be taking her for walks on the paved trails, so I think the wagon idea won’t work. But it’s something to keep in mind if plans change.
Kalie @ Pretend to Be Poor says
That comment would frustrate me as well. Especially because I understand trying to find some comic relief through sarcasm about a tough situation.
I do think some people are naturally very optimistic and have a hard time fathoming why someone wouldn’t want to be told to be cheered up. I think it’s much more helpful to create a safe space for sad or suffering people to be real.
Kalie @ Pretend to Be Poor recently posted…Maximize Your Minimalism
Abigail says
Well put. As I said in another comment, I think that people just need to remember that they can sympathize, even when they can’t empathize. They may not understand not wanting/being able to be cheered up, but they can learn to give people (as another commenter said) space to be sad, frustrated etc.
Heather says
Thank you for posting this, Abigail. It was timely for me as I just lost my father today after months of fielding bizarre responses from well-meaning people, such as “lighten up! Life is supposed to be fun.” Yeah…no. Life is not very fun when your loved one is dying.
Abigail says
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, which I imagine was only made worse by the lead-up. I know when my grandmother was pronounced terminal… We were grieving well before her actual death, and even as we urged her not to hold on (she was in so much pain), we also couldn’t bear to let go.
And I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if idiots told me how to feel/look. I probably would have unloaded on a LOT of people. So the fact that you didn’t set anyone on fire is impressive.
Ann says
Thank you for posting this! Rather than a friend or stranger making those comments to me, I make them to myself! Sometimes I need a reminder to be kind to myself because I can be really hard on myself.
Abigail says
Oof, internalized criticism is often the hardest to shake off. I’m glad this helped. Just try to remember that life can be good, but real ones are also complex.
Acknowledging that life is tough is a lot harder than pushing everything bad down and only looking at the positive. And if most of us did only focus on the positive… We’d just be repressing a lot of negative feelings that will haunt us later — probably much more strongly than if you just deal with them now.
Anya says
From my experience, it seems like men do consider us emotional nutcases so they have to mansplain the world to us. I wish I had statistics to back it up though. As a depressive with a bad case of resting bitch face, I’ve been told since my teens to smile or cheer up. If it were only as simple as appearing to be happy…
Abigail says
Haha, RBF is problematic for most women who have it. On the other hand, the fact that it’s consider a thing… Well, that’s really just a symptom of our society’s obsession with making sure people/women are happy. You almost never hear a guy criticized for not smiling when he’s not talking.
And yep, I tried just thinking positively for a while. Turns out I was just pushing everything bad down, and I paid greatly for it later. So I gave up trying to appear happy. Except that I consider smiling more just to hide smile lines.
Penny @ She Picks Up Pennies says
After my grandma died, I couldn’t be happy. I COULD NOT. If you ask me what that year of my life was like, I honestly have no idea. She was like a second mom and it so unexpected. It was like I fell into a pit. Not only did other people try to tell me to be happy; I tried to tell myself. I didn’t work. Time was really the only cure.
On a simple scale, I think we can choose happiness in the sense that we can focus on the good in a general day. But if someone is struggling with depression or another mental illness or if someone has experienced any of the other life-altering events, it’s maddening. I equate it to telling a student who doesn’t understand something to “try harder.”
Also, I try to remind myself that sometimes if people say the wrong thing, it’s because they don’t know what to say.
(Also, I meant to comment on this like 8 times and am an idiot. Apologies.)
Penny @ She Picks Up Pennies recently posted…Mixed Up Meals: What Millennials Eat
ZJ Thorne says
Anyone telling me how to feel is wrong. I often tell them they are wrong. After Pulse happened this summer, my coworkers (I’m a temp) could not understand why I was sad. They asked me to explain it to them. I told them I was not talking to them that day and they should assume I was not talking for the week. It was not my job to explain to straight people why lgbtqia people were sad when 50 of us were murdered in one setting. Having never been attacked for being straight, they failed to understand rational human responses to tragedy.
Those coworkers still think I’m mean. And that I took it too personally.
ZJ Thorne recently posted…Net Worth Week 35 – You Better Work Edition
Elizabeth Bulfer says
I’ve mostly started to just respond with “no.” Flat out refuse.
Sometimes, if I feel it was particularly offensive, I’ve thrown in an additional, “my feelings and struggles are valid and I’m allowed to be miserable.” Sometimes, it’s just “no” and I ignore them after that.
(Chronic depression, some sort of anxiety disorder pending dx, several physical chronic health problems)